Tech and me - not a match

Could I be any less of a techno person? I've started a new blog to go from here and made it private. I'm happy to invite anyone who has asked so far, but I *think* I need your email address? For those of you who are followers here, you would think I could just invite you that way - maybe I can??? So, please email me with your email - or tell me how to do it easier!

Restricting blog access

I'm going to begin to restrict blog access to protect my family from hatefulness. No, there hasn't been much on this site, but I'm ready to start opening up about where we are now - which is a new place. SO...if you'd like to continue to access my blog, please let me know by commenting on this post. I have to invite you by email, so if I don't have your email address - you can also email me with that info at zougirl@comcast.net. At this time I may actually 'start' a new blog that will be different and by invite only and pick up our story.

I don't have to know you personally, but please do let me know a bit about you or how/where you found me.

Thanks! Sorry for the inconvenience, but really do want to tell the majority of you what is going on and have been too scared to do it in open forum.

Why do we cry?

I have not been very good at coming over here and posting lately. I think I'm trying to ignore so much of what's going on...and it's hard to write about it when you are ignoring it.

A few notes of late:
My grandmama is sick and not doing well overall. I'm going to head home to see her - because I absolutely cannot stand the feeling of being this far away. I feel so connected to her and while there are reasons, what I'm feeling now seems somewhat unreasonable. I cry a lot and randomly and she's still here. She hurts and I don't want her to. Anyway, soon I'll spend a few days with her - away from the rest of life and I'll always know I had that time.

DS1 and DD are both doing well. There is a calm here right now, but an underlying stress about DS2...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We are working on solutions for the long term, but it's still hard to think beyond tomorrow. He's safe where he is and seems to be doing well there - although I did find out that he and some other boys broke into the school store last night. It doesn't sound major - but it also doesn't sound like great progress from the things he's done before. I'm just not sure there is some fabulous answer that solves every issue.

I feel as though I'm grieving him lately...it's hard to look at pictures and some of those tears I'm shedding are for him or from him or over him...all mixed up.

2011 is 4 days old

First of all...second semester of DS1's freshman year has just begun and it's time to register him for his sophomore year. I don't know how they really expect us to know what classes he should take. We don't even know what classes he'll do well in this semester. So, the pressure now sits on his 14 year old shoulders to sign up for AP, College ready, Honors and basic classes. I do not remember the stress of these decisions when I was in high school. On his first night back to school he had four hours of homework. Then you read about AP and it tells you over and over that it's a larger homework committment. How is a kid supposed to feel good about committing to more than 4 hours of homework per night? Keeping up with the Joneses has never felt so scary...I hope that pushing him to do his best is not causing him to scrape the bottom. In the end, we will let it be his decision...painful as that may be!

DH spoke to DS2 last night. He was in good spirits and had no real complaints. He seemed very excited that all the new kids were coming in - school classes started there today - and was looking forward to meeting them all. I didn't talk to him. I will say that I'm sick - truly am - and have been basically sleeping for 4 days. But, deep down...I just wasn't ready to talk to him. I want to have positive things to say when I do talk to him. I'm not there yet. Christmas break was again, painful. I can say a million times that I won't get my hopes up, but I do. After they are dashed again...well, it's hard to stay positive.

DD is doing well over all. She continues to sabotage herself in tiny ways. Today she spent the better part of the day worried that she didn't know what two of her spelling words meant. She knew she would have to write sentences tonight and was so worked up before she even got home. I wish she could gain some perspective...but after five years I have to realize, she just may not ever gain that perspective.

DH is fighting with insurance companies over his mom's benefits. It's stressing him out majorly. Life becomes confusing when you have to start caring for the people that used to care for you. Full circle...

I hope that everyone is well and happy in these first few days of the new year! Can't believe it's 2011!!!