Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The "I don't even know what to title this" post

DS2 has been revealing some very interesting stories to us - when I say 'us' I mean sister and brother. He doesn't really talk to DH and I at all...at least not in a way that either of us can understand. We've learned the following in his few days here at home:
1. He was jumped in to a gang while at school this semester. He respects the boys that did it and they are more of a family to him than we ever will be. He feels that gangs are families for life.
2. He climbed up on a steel trash bin and jumped into the arms of one of his 'homies' who was supposed to catch him and the boy pulled back and DS2 hit the ground with his face first. That caused the bruising that we've been asking about since he got home.
3. He hates that people don't believe him and that is why he gets angry. He doesn't think it's wrong to get so mad so fast.
4. He believes that WE choose to pull him out of school. He thinks that everyone at school loved him very much and will be very sad without him there...we are the enemy of him staying with his 'friends' and new 'family'. That is why he isn't going back.

Interestingly, I do believe him - the whole entire story. I believe that his fight at school did have something to do with becoming a member of a gang. I am not saying that he joined the bloods or crypts while at school...but I think they called themselves a gang and I think they taught him about gangs as families. He found somewhere he felt he belonged.

The fact that these same boys used him as a scapegoat for all their misdeeds - the fact that he was, at best, a laughing stock to them - the fact that he was injured at their hands numerous times...none of this plays into his thought process. I asked him what he would have thought if we had jumped him in to our family...his answer??? "That would have been fine because then you would have gone to jail for child abuse". Fun.

DH and I are at odds right now. He believes firmly that it's all lies...that none of this occurred and that DS2 is simply trying to rile us up. I think it's the closest he's ever come to being 'clean' with us. I agree that he is saying it all to rile us up - but I believe firmly that sometimes the truth can do that. Chafe us...pain us...tear us to the bone. I sent my child away for help and he came back slightly more soulless than when he left.

I can't even grieve it all anymore. I'm lost for the next step. He goes to his new school/placement on December 30. We're all going to drive him there and have our good-byes. When we told him about where he's headed, there was no reaction at all. I guess somewhere in the deepest part of my gut, I wanted him to be sad - I wanted to see an iota of hope that he would like to stay here with us.

We are so broken and I'm not able to glue anything together anymore. I feel like he deserves so much more than me as a mother. I feel like I deserve so much more than what is happening to all of us now.

Off topic - my parents came for a long weekend and we had a lovely time. We got along and talked and enjoyed each other...I do miss them very much and I'm so happy that we were able to have that time. It renewed my faith in a million tiny little ways.

Then it led me back to the fact that no matter how old I am - I want my mommy to love me. Almost more than anything. I won't ever have the love of my biological father - he's unable to give that...and I've grown to accept that very crappy little detail. But, I need something to root me as the person I believed I was as I grew up. Having a parent that thinks you are a pretty good person is a gift. I'm sure it will continue to come and go...but for now, I'll take it.

Will my son ever want a mommy who loves him? And, when he finally does...will I be able to?


  1. Are you going to contact the old school about the "gang"?! I'm so sorry all of this is happening. I hope the new school will really reinforce the importance of family.... At this point I'd be feeling like Dec. 30th can't come soon enough. M's therapist always said that at the core being of every person, all they really want is their mom. She used examples of grown men in the army crying for their mommy on their death bed or prisoners being executed...in the end, they want their moms. It has to be there deep down inside of him. I know, I know...this is coming from someone who truly believes their daughter will never love,,but it just makes sense when I type it all out. Hang in there.

  2. M, I can't think of a thing to say. I just wanted you to know I'm here, I read this, and my heart is with you. You're not alone in your despair. With love, Corey