This was a tough weekend with DS2. Really tough. I'm finding it hard to find love for him...really hard. He's come to a point of simply trying his darndest to ruin things. Mostly my house and my soul. He said "I didn't want a family". That was just a plain statement for him. When I answered "well, you have one and we are not going to let you hide from us"...he just stared at me blankly.
He wants me to leave him alone...not just in a typical tween way...but in totality. He wants the good stuff - vacations, birthday parties, day trips - but he's unwilling to live with what he considers the bad stuff - expectations, rules, boundaries. He told me that I should NOT care if he learns anything in school. Really, I have stopped caring...it's not something I can control. That does not stop it from making me sad for him. I know I'm not supposed to live in the 'what about the future?' part of life - but I find it hard not to.
What is his future? Being chronically disorganized (a term placed on him by his teacher and dead on in my mind) seems like a hard thing to live with. I look at small things like paying an electric bill...forget the fact that I wonder where the money will come from...but the actual physical task of getting the mail, opening it, getting a checkbook and writing a check - then remembering to mail it off in time. OK, we can hope for online bill pay...but there is the whole concept of setting that up as well. Of course, there are millions of adults that aren't OCD crazy like me...billions even. They survive...
But, the ones that don't. What is that thing that made them not make it? I have seen a show called Intervention. It's about drug/alcohol dependency and the complete chaos it presents, not just for the addict, but for the family. I firmly believe that mental illness can function the same way. An unattached person creates a world of chaos for all around him/her. It seeps into every moment of every day. When things are going good, I'm bracing for when they go bad again.
I have hopes for him. I wish he had hopes for himself.