Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Final Countdown

We are totally packed. I have the final shopping list in hand in order to move my son into a dorm on Sunday. As he and I folded clothes and organized things in his bags...I waited. I wanted a breakthrough. I chatted with him and he chatted back - but not a word about what was actually happening.

My best friend asked, "Do you think he even knows what he's feeling?"

No, no I don't. I don't think he has the words or even the capacity to explain what he feels. I have to believe that, because to believe the other side means that he feels nothing. I don't want to believe that.

Hubby tried to talk with him the other day - we always try to sneak it in while we have alone time with him and we're busy. So, over weed pulling DH asked him how he's feeling about his new school. DS2 answered "I don't know". Later DH asked me if he should have pushed. To that I say, "I don't know."

If I had those answers, we probably wouldn't be here.

So, I sit here 36 hours away from taking my son across multiple states and dropping him off for the first six weeks. I'm trying to label my own feelings - which are conflicted. I felt an immense sadness - almost desperation. I just want it to all work out. I want him to want us. I want to want him.

Then I feel a sense of relief - hard core and aching, growing in my chest. The thought tumbling that we won't be fighting anymore...that I'll be allowed to miss him. To rebuild hopes for him, to start dreaming for him again. I'm heartbroken that I haven't done that in a while.

We're all packed...but, I'm not sure if we are actually ready to go...


  1. M, you realize deep in your heart that he cannot feel, truely he cannot, its his defense. He is too afraid to feel, too afraid to get close, it has to be that way for him to survive. You are doing the right thing for all concerned but especially for him. He needs space and he needs to be free of the pressure to feel. Feeling too much for another person hurts and the emotion is too much to handle for someone his age. The bar was set too high for all concerned and he could not produce. Let him be for a while, let him heal and mature. Be there when and if he is ready. Good Luck to your family

  2. Your posts are always so raw and honest. I can't thank you enough for that. M told the therapist the other day that she has never tried to love/like us or be a part of the family....ever. Of course we knew it by her actions....but still, I'm a mother, I can't help but to have in the back of my mind that maybe she did care just a little. We have looked into having her spend some time away...nothing has worked out so far. A couple of weeks ago she flat out told us, with a smile on her face, that she wanted to try out a new family. I thought maybe she didn't fully understand what that meant, but silly me....the therapist said she of all people most certainly knows what she would be giving up. Your last paragraph really hits home though. What I would give to rebuild hopes and to dream about her again. I'm only numb now.