Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The coconut game...where's the reality?

The facade of the great year DD was having came crashing down yesterday. I went to school to volunteer and ended up finding out that little has changed...other than her having a teacher that maybe didn't actually understand what I outlined at the beginning of the year. Disappointment really set in. There was such pride at my house both for her and in her...she seemed to be 'doing it' - really making a change. was smoke and mirrors.
The teacher met me as we walked to tell me what a turnaround year she felt DD was having. Then, she started listing the 'little things' that are happening. The list included EVERY thing that has happened every year that has made our home life so challenging. I love the idea of home and school being seperate...but when my DD is learning that she can control the information I receive - the she is contolling an's dangerous territory for her. Heck, I think it is somewhat dangerous for any child to see that they have that control.
DD makes the bad choice and then says "PLEASE don't email my mom, are you emailing my mom...she'll be SO MAD". I believe she's leading teacher to believe that things happen here...once again, ogre mom who takes away food or spanks or grounds for long periods of time because her daughter was out of her seat. So, teacher has NOT been emailing me...reassuring DD that it's 'not a big deal' - as long as there isn't blood, there is no reason for mom to know. Of course, she planned on telling me...but telling me this far after all these things have happened does little good. DD barely 'remembers' what happened that day...she'll feign complete ignorance of any misdeed yesterday.
This has been going on all year (over a month)...and I've never been told. She's still manipulating, lying, trying her best to do everything she's been asked not to do without getting caught. She's not good at it...she gets caught - but it doesn't get back to me.
When she got called on it last night - it was typical answers. NO, I didn't do that! That's not true. I don't know what you are talking about. I could see the anger at her teacher and at us boiling under the surface. She's mad that the control she thought she had didn't work...she's mad to be held accountable...she is mad that maybe, just maybe, the teacher doesn't believe I'm evil.
On the way to tumbling she was crying (please note: no one yelled, there was no consequence set down on you can see, her life was going on as normal...we're at a loss as to what you can do to consequence or change a child that seems to not care at all about basically anything)...and she blurts out "I don't like you because my first mother in Russia was a beautiful woman. She loved me and cared for me and she would bring me toys after she'd been out drinking." Just the craziness of that sentence nearly made me laugh. She went on to tell me that she was deeply loved. I stayed calm and pointed out that adoption doesn't happen because there is nothing wrong in a family. As per our attachment therapist, I used the honest facts that I have in a calm tone. I'm not trying to tear her birth family apart in her their own way they did love her...but, they couldn't/didn't care for her. They weren't feeding her (yet, I get blamed for that ALL the time)...her mother didn't even come to court to fight for her. I can't truly understand what that must feel like - but I do have an idea.
My biological father stopped coming for visitation one day when I was 8. I had my bags packed for the weekend and he just never showed. He lived 7 miles from me for 10 years and never called, sent a card...didn't even come to my high school graduation when I invited him. I still don't have a relationship with him. But, I allowed my step-father in...he's not my step-dad...he's the man that raised me and tucked me in at night and was there to take my prom pictures and throw me a birthday party. He gave me a few dollars to put gas in my tank...he loved me and still does. There is no genetic tie there - yet, I don't drag it around all day with me. I wish she could do the same. I wish peace for her little heart and soul...
I could hear the tears in the felt like an actual emotional break through. We pulled into the lot at her gym and I actually expected we wouldn't go to class. I thought she was coming to terms with some things, so I turned to tell her we could just go home and cuddle and talk and when I turned...she was jumping out saying "see you in there". Her face wasn't red...there weren't dried tears on her cheeks and I sat wondering "was any of that real?"...I am constantly amazed at how out of touch she is with her emotions. I have cried for her, with her about her past. It stinks and it's not fair and it's worthy of tears and anger and sadness. Yet, I seem to be responsible to cry for both of us...
As for school - I emailed the teacher. While this was happening, I was too shell shocked to know what to say. Now, I wonder how the rest of this year will go. I'm back to looking like a crazy person - I was hoping for one year where we could just sail through and things actually went easily. I guess this may not be that year.


  1. I stumbled on your blog a few weeks ago. Reminds me so much of my life. We internationally adopted 3 children, and two have been diagnosed with RAD. DS2 using your terminology forged my signature on a teacher's note when he was in the 2nd grade, and the forgery was so good that I almost didn't catch it. Although our boys are now 22 and 20, I was telling my husband this week that I still feel like a parental failure with them. You are not alone. Mary

  2. The things they get away with at school....ugh.... And consequences? I give them to M and she acts happy about them. As soon as she is done, she run, hops, skips off as if it never occurred. It's like she has this ' Bring it on!' attitude and nothing can bring her down. She would scrub a toilet and be happy about it. Fake happy.