I've been thinking about some bad times. I try not to go there in my mind too much. But, there are moments when I need to remember. See, if I remember how bad it's been, then I can realize how far we've come. Where it fails me is that I am a person that tends to fall into myself. Maybe it's the bi-polar, or just who I am...but I have trouble simply remembering and not re-living.
Strange then that is what my children go through also. Their memories are places to fall into, you know? How do you remember something terrible and not feel the pain in real time? How can a child know that the people who should have protected them, failed them miserably and then look at us and think "oh yeah, they'll do better"? Why would they believe that?
Friday night we went to some haunted houses. I'm a huge wimp...HUGE...I don't watch horror movies or even relatively scary ones. I made the mistake of watching the Ring and basically didn't sleep for months afterward - and I was in my 30s. I still freak out if my TV goes to static - years later. So, I had to be aware of my reactions. These were 'tame' haunted houses at a local amusement park. Approved for all ages and we went with five kids...just DH and I and all that child hood excitement. House #1 - we lost one kid in about 30 seconds. Quick emergency exit...but the rest of us held on. It's easier when you realize it's only teenagers dressed up in costumes. We laughed a lot and at one point I actually picked DS1 up and ran forward with him...he seemed a little stuck. As we walked to house #2 - the legend of "bloody mary" came up. I remembered being terrified by that story as a child. We walk into the opening room of house #2 and the speaker says "Bloody Mary welcomes you..." - three kids bolted back out. What are the odds??? The other four of us went through what was a LONG haunted house and we were followed the WHOLE way by a man with a bullet sticking out of his head. It became a joke "look out, there's bullet head"...but, he wouldn't go away...he was everywhere.
Why am I telling you this? Well, besides the fact that I am still laughing about the fact that I finally did it as an 'old' lady...I realized that bullet head is much like life. It's always following you with it's gaping wounds bleeding out. The bad parts are sometimes more 'out there' than the good parts.
At the end of house #2 - we were all running out through these camo colored nets with people jumping out at us. A net got dropped on my face and ripped my hoop earring out. I turned around and THERE was bullet head...I looked right at him and said "help, I lost my earring"...he bent down, picked it up, handed it to me and said "BOO". See...even the goriest moments have a silver lining!