So, it comes. Last night - after a tough afternoon...DS2 asked to have some private time for me. That is a great thing, I like that he is starting to be able to ask for that instead of tantrum for that when he needs it. He really just had a couple of questions for me. One was silly and maybe just a delay tactice. The second was more in-depth. The gist is that he wants to know when he gets his second chance. Now, to be fair to me - this would be more like his 14th chance. I have tried repeatedly to let him try again in a million realms and he doesn't do well. So, we are kinda on lock down on a few things. He isn't allowed to ride his bike out in the neighborhood with friends more than a few houses. I found out he was riding around yelling for help (falsely) and climbing into people's backyards pretending he was being followed. Not good choices. The biggie for him is that he's really limited on what games he can play both on the computer and on Xbox. Some of the games we own - which I didn't buy - are violent. I dislike them for anyone, but DS1 can play them with no side effects. I would never know by his actions what type of game he had been playing. Totally different story for DS2! Back when he could play those games (and I'm talking pretty tame ones - rated T...not M), I always knew. He would bring the violence into his life the second he turned off the game. Drawings were of shootings and blood and gore. He became violent to himself and others...from playing for 30 minutes - we would 'pay the price' for days. I still hear him proliferate on violence. He's gloms onto any story he hears or is told. If there is a murder in our city - he talks about it for days. He'll speculate on how it went down. No amount of me stopping these conversations seems to help. I've even consequenced the discussion of these topics and it persists. So, he asked why he hasn't gotten a second chance to play those games (he's really shooting for M games...dream on). I pointed out that I know he's not ready, just based on his mini-obsession about those topics. I equated it to telling a kid that loves fire that he can just light a candle...it's too much and too hard to stop that rock from rolling down the hill. Then IT came..."so, DS1 gets to do things because he's your ACTUAL son". Yes, it's come up before - different love, feelings of 'less than'. But, never this bluntly. I replied that he is my actual son and the fact that they came to me in different ways didn't matter one hoot to me...my job is the same - safety, love, compassion, and teaching responsibility so they can go out in the world and succeed. He wasn't buying it. Starting listing all the things that DS1 gets to do and he doesn't. I gave him the reason for each and every one with backup proof. We ended with a hug and a promise that I'm watching for signals that some privileges can be replaced in his life, but that decision rests with myself and DH - not with when he thinks he's ready. BTW, just had to take away his computer because he was trying to get into blocked sites with violent games and did get into a couple that I didn't know about and therefore hadn't blocked. Parental controls are his enemy...so, I'm on the right track here.
But, the thought has been haunting me. How do you explain different loves? Or do you? Because I'm human and some of the things I've gone through with both DS2 and DD have made my love for them different than for DS1. Please don't read this as all based on adoption. I really don't care where or how my children got to me - in fact, I view our Russia story as way more special then giving birth (animals can do that)! There are scars on my love for them - hurts and tears and tears (rips and crying...never realized that would be hard to write - darn homophones). I don't have those moments of them totally relying on me to look back on in the rough times. They never have totally relied on me. They were already at an age where they should have had a certain level of independence and in the beginning, I tried to give them that. Most of it is gone now - and yes, I am angry sometimes that I have to raise a 10 and 11 (next month is birthdays) year old like toddlers. Am I as free with my kind words (I'm talking about ones that aren't faked or forced) as I am with DS1? As free to easily hug and touch and kiss and tousle hair and all that stuff? And, someday in the future - will they be on Dr. Phil telling him that it's just because they are adopted...that I never loved them the same. It's a haunting thought!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Two days in the life
Just for kicks I'm going to list the things that DD has come up with to drive us crazy in just two days. Someday this will be like a time capsule for me and in those moments of looking back and laughing (PLEASE, let that happen) - I'd like written proof of her prowess for crazy parent making!
1. She walked through the middle of a parking lane - the dead center - while trailing us as far behind as she could and then was shocked when we were chasing her down to drag her to the side.
2. She was sitting in quiet time while we unloaded groceries and picked up the dog ultrasonic noise machine (yes, I'm trying to train my dogs too) and was pushing it so much that the dogs were going crazy...then she accidently hit the button that makes a sound humans can hear and tried to say that it went off by itself.
3. She saw me rubbing my eye and asked over and over "mom, what's wrong?" - while I tried to calmly ignore the stupid question (if I answer everyone, I'll never be quiet)
4. She asked me if I'd like to eat fried slugs "yes, everyone wants to eat them" - No, I mean if you were forced to in the jungle - "well, if I was being forced it wouldn't matter if I wanted to" - madly crosses her arms and says 'you aren't listening to me' (why do I attempt to have these circular conversations)
5. After being sent to her room (as in grounded until I could deal again) she came out approximately every 3 seconds to ask 'how long am I grounded?'
6. She asked if she could write in her diary before bed, I said yes. Then she asked if she could draw - I said 'you can write' - but can I draw? - "you can write" - but can I draw? - "you can write" (still being unemotional, but steam coming out of my ears)...she goes upstairs and 10 minutes later comes down with the pictures that she DREW for me!!!!! Self-tattling, self-sabotage and blantant disrespect - all in one!
7. We stopped in front of the library and gave her the books to run up to the return slot. As she's moving to the door we say, hustle out there are cars behind us. So, she gets out and leaves the door OPEN. When we are hollering - come shut the door - she turns, looks at us and walks down the stairs. DS2 shuts the door from inside (climbing across seats, etc.)...when we turn around to pick her up, she runs in front of a car, opens the wrong door and tells her brother to move to the other seat! We've now stopped traffic in two directions!
8. After being told a million times that if she asks for a privilege, it won't be given...she comes down today and says "can I have a piece of gum? I was good for 5 minutes."...she was confused when I said no.
9. After stealing from the last house she was invited to and being told there wouldn't be anymore playdates for a while - she has asked 10 times to either go to someone's house or have someone over - in 2 days.
10. While in time in with me - right now - she is popping spit bubbles, rolling around on the bed sighing, tapping her pencil on her head - and getting no response...very annoying to her (and to me...but I'm holding it together)
11. Without being asked she offered up to me that the voice in her head told her that walking in the middle of the street would be safe and while she was walking there she thought that I'd be happy with her for keeping herself safe!!!!!
I'm forgetting some...it's been a long two days....
1. She walked through the middle of a parking lane - the dead center - while trailing us as far behind as she could and then was shocked when we were chasing her down to drag her to the side.
2. She was sitting in quiet time while we unloaded groceries and picked up the dog ultrasonic noise machine (yes, I'm trying to train my dogs too) and was pushing it so much that the dogs were going crazy...then she accidently hit the button that makes a sound humans can hear and tried to say that it went off by itself.
3. She saw me rubbing my eye and asked over and over "mom, what's wrong?" - while I tried to calmly ignore the stupid question (if I answer everyone, I'll never be quiet)
4. She asked me if I'd like to eat fried slugs "yes, everyone wants to eat them" - No, I mean if you were forced to in the jungle - "well, if I was being forced it wouldn't matter if I wanted to" - madly crosses her arms and says 'you aren't listening to me' (why do I attempt to have these circular conversations)
5. After being sent to her room (as in grounded until I could deal again) she came out approximately every 3 seconds to ask 'how long am I grounded?'
6. She asked if she could write in her diary before bed, I said yes. Then she asked if she could draw - I said 'you can write' - but can I draw? - "you can write" - but can I draw? - "you can write" (still being unemotional, but steam coming out of my ears)...she goes upstairs and 10 minutes later comes down with the pictures that she DREW for me!!!!! Self-tattling, self-sabotage and blantant disrespect - all in one!
7. We stopped in front of the library and gave her the books to run up to the return slot. As she's moving to the door we say, hustle out there are cars behind us. So, she gets out and leaves the door OPEN. When we are hollering - come shut the door - she turns, looks at us and walks down the stairs. DS2 shuts the door from inside (climbing across seats, etc.)...when we turn around to pick her up, she runs in front of a car, opens the wrong door and tells her brother to move to the other seat! We've now stopped traffic in two directions!
8. After being told a million times that if she asks for a privilege, it won't be given...she comes down today and says "can I have a piece of gum? I was good for 5 minutes."...she was confused when I said no.
9. After stealing from the last house she was invited to and being told there wouldn't be anymore playdates for a while - she has asked 10 times to either go to someone's house or have someone over - in 2 days.
10. While in time in with me - right now - she is popping spit bubbles, rolling around on the bed sighing, tapping her pencil on her head - and getting no response...very annoying to her (and to me...but I'm holding it together)
11. Without being asked she offered up to me that the voice in her head told her that walking in the middle of the street would be safe and while she was walking there she thought that I'd be happy with her for keeping herself safe!!!!!
I'm forgetting some...it's been a long two days....
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Why did you come?
Today my DD told me "I didn't come all the way from Russia for this crap!". It was related to her being asked to memorize multiplication facts and obviously not wanting to. It was hilarious to me. She seems to be putting more things together. It also gave me a lovely opening to reply "I didn't go all the way to Russia for this crap either". Enough said...I didn't have to get ugly - but did get my point across I believe. She's been one argumentivite little gal lately. But, then, she shows a sign of normalcy or humor or sweetness and I realize that we are moving. Is it always the right direction? Nope...but there is movement.
She put on a stage show for DS1 and I yesterday in the basement. She had a whole restaurant set up "Anthony's Bar and Grille" and a menu and a sign that said "live stage music". Can you tell what DH and I like to do with the kids on a Friday night? Anyway, we ordered: nodle in sop, chiken nugest, and lemond (here's the thing...she's a good speller - really good - but doesn't take her time at home...likes the strange reaction to mispelling things when I'm around...however has never gotten below a 91% on a spelling test in 3 years). Then we asked when the entertainment would start. My little princess takes off her apron, stands up on a built in that they use as a stage, raises her hands above her head in total rock out stance and screams "Good night Tri-state area". I fell off my stool...where did that come from? Apparently a mindless cartoon she watched. While I was laughing she said "what does that mean?" - which cracked me up even more!!! We had fun!
I went out with my girlfriend to a play/comedy sketch show called "Girl's Only" last night. We had a great time and it's always nice to get away for an evening. While I was gone my kids (all three of them together) created what they are calling the "skate basket". They attached a laundry basket to a skateboard and are sitting in it to fly down our driveway. DH said they had a TON of fun. I haven't gotten to see it because the blizzard hit this morning and we now have about a foot of snow outside! Apparently DS1 decided they would video the big wipeouts and post them on youtube and become 'famous for being stupid' - his words, not mine. So, the boys elected DD to the be the videographer. I saw the footage - this may not be her calling. I'll let you know if they ever post anything...you can watch my wonderful kids flying down a driveway in full pads and helmet in a laundry basket while the other two scream "GO faster" and the camera bobs around wildly!
She put on a stage show for DS1 and I yesterday in the basement. She had a whole restaurant set up "Anthony's Bar and Grille" and a menu and a sign that said "live stage music". Can you tell what DH and I like to do with the kids on a Friday night? Anyway, we ordered: nodle in sop, chiken nugest, and lemond (here's the thing...she's a good speller - really good - but doesn't take her time at home...likes the strange reaction to mispelling things when I'm around...however has never gotten below a 91% on a spelling test in 3 years). Then we asked when the entertainment would start. My little princess takes off her apron, stands up on a built in that they use as a stage, raises her hands above her head in total rock out stance and screams "Good night Tri-state area". I fell off my stool...where did that come from? Apparently a mindless cartoon she watched. While I was laughing she said "what does that mean?" - which cracked me up even more!!! We had fun!
I went out with my girlfriend to a play/comedy sketch show called "Girl's Only" last night. We had a great time and it's always nice to get away for an evening. While I was gone my kids (all three of them together) created what they are calling the "skate basket". They attached a laundry basket to a skateboard and are sitting in it to fly down our driveway. DH said they had a TON of fun. I haven't gotten to see it because the blizzard hit this morning and we now have about a foot of snow outside! Apparently DS1 decided they would video the big wipeouts and post them on youtube and become 'famous for being stupid' - his words, not mine. So, the boys elected DD to the be the videographer. I saw the footage - this may not be her calling. I'll let you know if they ever post anything...you can watch my wonderful kids flying down a driveway in full pads and helmet in a laundry basket while the other two scream "GO faster" and the camera bobs around wildly!
Monday, March 23, 2009
looking a gift horse in the mouth
When you are in trouble and then your loving mother gives you a reprieve and you are out of trouble - do not stand up and question why you are not out of trouble. Take the gift and back away slowly with your hands in the air. Not really...but why does she need to question the times when I do nice things for her? To be honest - she wasn't even actually in trouble...but she decided to self-tattle again and I simply sent her to her room. She decided to do chores instead - I didn't argue that. So, she's cleaning baseboards and had been pretty quiet and devoted to her task and I thought I'd let her go play...bad weather is coming and this could be the last day of break to get out of the house. I say 'hey, thanks for the help - go back to free time' and she jumps up and says 'why, what did I do?'
DS1 has had a tough couple of days. I invited him to help with dinner the other night. Well, to back up - I called him to invite him to help with dinner. I am tired of yelling up the stairs and I called his cell which is always attached to him in some way...he answered with a very rude "what"? Should have simply hung up and moved on...but I pushed it. He came down to help and I was on that mommy crack that said 'this is a great time to get closer to him and have a nice chat'. I tried...but maybe started off with the wrong approach. I'm still figuring out the teen approach. It did not go well. He clammed up and when he did answer - it was rude. He called me a difficult parent (note: not bad, difficult...I see a political career)...why? I didn't let him go on Spring Break with a friend to a place where I knew no one and had never met the adults that would be in charge. So mean. Also, I MADE him play a card game with us. A card game that we play TOO often and he doesn't like it. It contined downhill...when I pointed out that he isn't the SUN, but the SON...and therefore the world does not revolve around him - he was upset and angry. Well, I decided to take his things away. I now have a cell phone, laptop and iPod - only partially used. I also unplugged the TV and took the remote. He has spent a couple of days paying the price to get these items back...but it may be a long haul. He got 30 minutes of TV today. The lovely thing is that since he's so bored and his friends are all gone for Spring Break - he's been playing with his siblings. Not just yelling at them and belittling them, but actually playing. He and DS2 had a whole world created in DS2's room before bed last night. We've played board and card games with no grumbles and they are all shooting hoops outside now - together...without fighting. (says the mom inside the house and probably conning herself)
As I type this (which has not been more than 3 minutes) DD has come in four times. Once to ask if she can blow up a balloon, once to ask if she can draw on the balloon with a sharpie, once to say the sharpie broke the balloon and once to say something that I'll never know because my daggery stare turned her around quickly.
I must say here and now that I am blessed in so many ways. My children are really mostly compliant creatures. We all sat down and read today - our own books - but in one place and none of them tried to get out of it. We went through every cabinet and cupboard in the house today to clean out for the upcoming garage sale and besides a few rolling eyes (whatever happened to the eye muscles on these poor kids) they moved things to a central location without much fight.
Here's the biggie: I took away the schedule. I can't believe it myself. I'm a regimented creature by nature and my kids seem to function better with knowing what is coming when...that said, I feel I'm creating this huge sense of dependance and I hate that. I want independent kids. I think kids should make decisions for themselves and get consequences when the make the wrong choice. So, I'm trying to step out...not completely mind you. They have to sign a 'plug in log' when they choose to use TV, computer or Xbox...that way I can track who is taking advantage. Have I mentioned that I HATE the Xbox. I see no good from it. They aren't learning anything and if it were up to me I would throw that thing off a cliff...and I don't because although I'm always a front runner, I don't actually want to win Worst Mother of the Year.
I bought Ferris Bueller's Day off to watch this week with the kids...I realize my dreams of them loving it as much as I do will be shattered and they'll stare at me like a freak when I get up and dance during the parade scene. Today, they were amazed that I know every word to Bohemian Rhapsody...
I am an amazing woman!
DS1 has had a tough couple of days. I invited him to help with dinner the other night. Well, to back up - I called him to invite him to help with dinner. I am tired of yelling up the stairs and I called his cell which is always attached to him in some way...he answered with a very rude "what"? Should have simply hung up and moved on...but I pushed it. He came down to help and I was on that mommy crack that said 'this is a great time to get closer to him and have a nice chat'. I tried...but maybe started off with the wrong approach. I'm still figuring out the teen approach. It did not go well. He clammed up and when he did answer - it was rude. He called me a difficult parent (note: not bad, difficult...I see a political career)...why? I didn't let him go on Spring Break with a friend to a place where I knew no one and had never met the adults that would be in charge. So mean. Also, I MADE him play a card game with us. A card game that we play TOO often and he doesn't like it. It contined downhill...when I pointed out that he isn't the SUN, but the SON...and therefore the world does not revolve around him - he was upset and angry. Well, I decided to take his things away. I now have a cell phone, laptop and iPod - only partially used. I also unplugged the TV and took the remote. He has spent a couple of days paying the price to get these items back...but it may be a long haul. He got 30 minutes of TV today. The lovely thing is that since he's so bored and his friends are all gone for Spring Break - he's been playing with his siblings. Not just yelling at them and belittling them, but actually playing. He and DS2 had a whole world created in DS2's room before bed last night. We've played board and card games with no grumbles and they are all shooting hoops outside now - together...without fighting. (says the mom inside the house and probably conning herself)
As I type this (which has not been more than 3 minutes) DD has come in four times. Once to ask if she can blow up a balloon, once to ask if she can draw on the balloon with a sharpie, once to say the sharpie broke the balloon and once to say something that I'll never know because my daggery stare turned her around quickly.
I must say here and now that I am blessed in so many ways. My children are really mostly compliant creatures. We all sat down and read today - our own books - but in one place and none of them tried to get out of it. We went through every cabinet and cupboard in the house today to clean out for the upcoming garage sale and besides a few rolling eyes (whatever happened to the eye muscles on these poor kids) they moved things to a central location without much fight.
Here's the biggie: I took away the schedule. I can't believe it myself. I'm a regimented creature by nature and my kids seem to function better with knowing what is coming when...that said, I feel I'm creating this huge sense of dependance and I hate that. I want independent kids. I think kids should make decisions for themselves and get consequences when the make the wrong choice. So, I'm trying to step out...not completely mind you. They have to sign a 'plug in log' when they choose to use TV, computer or Xbox...that way I can track who is taking advantage. Have I mentioned that I HATE the Xbox. I see no good from it. They aren't learning anything and if it were up to me I would throw that thing off a cliff...and I don't because although I'm always a front runner, I don't actually want to win Worst Mother of the Year.
I bought Ferris Bueller's Day off to watch this week with the kids...I realize my dreams of them loving it as much as I do will be shattered and they'll stare at me like a freak when I get up and dance during the parade scene. Today, they were amazed that I know every word to Bohemian Rhapsody...
I am an amazing woman!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
The stair that broke the camel's back
It's been a tough few days for DD. She got caught with stolen property, lied about it a lot (even when I'd stopped asking), had some yucky behavior at school, lied about it, and today...she tried to slide down our banister. That last one may not seem like a big deal - but she has actually been in full time-in all day. She's done chores, sat with me and watched basketball (which is like death to her), done extra schoolwork, memorized multiplication tables. I allowed her a 30 minute break when I could go outside with her. She got to put on make-up with me at one point. So, I actually need a minute to myself - I didn't sleep last night at all, up worrying about what to do and within 10 minutes there is noise and I find out that she got caught sliding down our banister. This is something that she knows is against the rules, it also seems that she did it at a time when she knew she would get caught. I don't get it. In as much trouble as she is, and still cannot make a good decision. I can't get through life sitting on top of her, following her around or vice versa. DH said today that we just have to 'let her make her own mistakes and pay for them'...and I get that. However, I am the keeper of the consequences and so paying for them means I'm paying a price also. It seems that I always have a child (her 99% of the time) in consequence. I still live my life - I do what I have to do - but, going anywhere, doing anything is not fun when she's obviously learning nothing from what I'm working so hard to do.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wait a minute Mr. Postman
I had to write the letter. You know the one where I swallow my pride (didn't know I had any left?) and tell the WHOLE truth about my kids because I have to be sure they get what they need from the school. These issues with attachment don't qualify them for special ed, so I must be the advocate. Teachers are all different in how they run their classrooms and what they believe about children. I need a teacher that will follow my lead, believe me about what my children need, have strong structure in their classroom and follow through on their expectations for my children. I think I'm in the minority (at least at my school) for wanting my kids to get consequences for their actions. Really...how can they learn if the rules are different at home and school? I've been blessed this year with their teachers - both open to communication, structured and they LISTEN to me without cocking their heads and reporting me. I can't homeschool - I know myself and my frustration level, which I work hard to keep under control would fly right out the window! That would not be good for our relationship. I'm still sad that schools have become a place where not learning the material is not a reason to hold a kid back. I'm trying to be at a place where I need to let them fail...but I don't think schools are there (less funding???). Not that they are failing their grade. But, what about the future?
So, writing the letter and telling the whole truth - you wouldn't think that would be hard for me. I'm like a walking billboard for AD now. I'll tell anyone the truth. Most people don't want to hear it. It's not a fun truth. No one can understand living with injured kids on a daily basis. I'm not even in the position of so many stronger people than I. I wonder if I'm actually doing enough, but I'm doing what I can do for my family - what works for our family. To summarize the letter in a few words: stealing, lying, manipulating, shopping for new family, angry, flat affect and control. Not all apply to both kids and I admittedly said we are doing better (especially DS2)...but there is a notion of waiting for the other shoe to drop. We aren't out of the woods yet and I know that - I really can't have a bad year with a teacher that won't support us. So, I'm putting on my big girl pants, following the rules (writing the letter first) and planning what to do next. I know their teachers this year will fight for them to have the right teachers too...but I don't know if our school listens to them like they should. We'll see and I'm ready to do what I have to do! DS2 only has one more year of elementary, he needs to get a lot of maturity in regard to school work next year - be held really accountible. Middle school is different and they do let you fail...that will be a major shock to his system.
DS1 was mad this morning...even being driven to school by a PJ clad mom and crazy o'clock in the morning. His partner was apparently not showing up to finish their project that is due today. When I mentioned that waiting until the day it's due is perhaps not the best plan - I got the silent treatment. It's tough when mom is right and you don't want to admit it. He didn't even say good-bye. I didn't follow him today. I was too tired. But, now there are sticky notes on his door outlining what he'll do to make up for that rude behavior. I slid on checking up on his work and his report card came and is not what I expect from him. Yes, his expectations are different and probably higher. I'm not upset, just disappointed. He could have done better. Once it counts for something, once he's in HS...then upset will come!
I booked a trip that doesn't come for 7 months and that is my new "something to look forward to". I'm not talking about it in front of DD - she doesn't need to have something to worry about for 7 months. But, I'm excited. That's a nice feeling!
So, writing the letter and telling the whole truth - you wouldn't think that would be hard for me. I'm like a walking billboard for AD now. I'll tell anyone the truth. Most people don't want to hear it. It's not a fun truth. No one can understand living with injured kids on a daily basis. I'm not even in the position of so many stronger people than I. I wonder if I'm actually doing enough, but I'm doing what I can do for my family - what works for our family. To summarize the letter in a few words: stealing, lying, manipulating, shopping for new family, angry, flat affect and control. Not all apply to both kids and I admittedly said we are doing better (especially DS2)...but there is a notion of waiting for the other shoe to drop. We aren't out of the woods yet and I know that - I really can't have a bad year with a teacher that won't support us. So, I'm putting on my big girl pants, following the rules (writing the letter first) and planning what to do next. I know their teachers this year will fight for them to have the right teachers too...but I don't know if our school listens to them like they should. We'll see and I'm ready to do what I have to do! DS2 only has one more year of elementary, he needs to get a lot of maturity in regard to school work next year - be held really accountible. Middle school is different and they do let you fail...that will be a major shock to his system.
DS1 was mad this morning...even being driven to school by a PJ clad mom and crazy o'clock in the morning. His partner was apparently not showing up to finish their project that is due today. When I mentioned that waiting until the day it's due is perhaps not the best plan - I got the silent treatment. It's tough when mom is right and you don't want to admit it. He didn't even say good-bye. I didn't follow him today. I was too tired. But, now there are sticky notes on his door outlining what he'll do to make up for that rude behavior. I slid on checking up on his work and his report card came and is not what I expect from him. Yes, his expectations are different and probably higher. I'm not upset, just disappointed. He could have done better. Once it counts for something, once he's in HS...then upset will come!
I booked a trip that doesn't come for 7 months and that is my new "something to look forward to". I'm not talking about it in front of DD - she doesn't need to have something to worry about for 7 months. But, I'm excited. That's a nice feeling!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I can win at stare down
Staring. You know, I've always found it sorta rude and a bit annoying. I do think there is a difference between spacing out and actually staring. Staring requires thought and being in the moment, knowing what you are looking at. This is what I always thought. Why would I be having a deep internal diatribe about staring? Because I now think I was wrong. Maybe staring is a mechanism to be used when you don't know what to say, when you have pain that you can't escape, when you are totally at a loss for how to function in the world. At least this is where I'm at in my thinking now. My children stare at me - a LOT. They stare if I say something that they don't like. They stare if I give a multi-step direction. They stare if I don't answer their questions. They stare. Two do this more than the other (any guesses?). And, one, oh one...well, SHE does it the most.
I have been thinking for some time that I need to take one big ole relaxation pill and just float sometimes. I'm always on high alert and looking for the signs that they are 'getting better' or 'getting worse'. Maybe this is just where they are. I wish I was the kind of person who could live in the here and now more. Not the land of what if's and coulda, shoulda, woulda village.
Do I ask DH a question, get an answer I don't like and stand and stare at him for long periods of time? Is there a mind control element at play? Maybe my children have superpowers that I've yet to learn about - perhaps the planet that sent them here is trying out new mental exercises on me. One day, I'll just drop to my knees and tell them 'whatever you want - you broke me with your laser beam stare'...then they can play Xbox all day and eat whatever they want and mumble instead of talk and...the list goes on.
When confronted with the question of what she is hoping I'll do when she stares at me, she says 'feel bad'. Well, I'm sorry to say that it's not working. I don't end up feeling bad - I end up feeling disappointed that, once again, she and I are not inhabiting the same plane of being.
Someone mentioned to me today that she might be doing some of these annoying things to get back to a place where she felt good (with me, before me, checkers, chess). I need to remember that. I am not ceeding control everytime I let her ask me a question twice. Right?
I have been thinking for some time that I need to take one big ole relaxation pill and just float sometimes. I'm always on high alert and looking for the signs that they are 'getting better' or 'getting worse'. Maybe this is just where they are. I wish I was the kind of person who could live in the here and now more. Not the land of what if's and coulda, shoulda, woulda village.
Do I ask DH a question, get an answer I don't like and stand and stare at him for long periods of time? Is there a mind control element at play? Maybe my children have superpowers that I've yet to learn about - perhaps the planet that sent them here is trying out new mental exercises on me. One day, I'll just drop to my knees and tell them 'whatever you want - you broke me with your laser beam stare'...then they can play Xbox all day and eat whatever they want and mumble instead of talk and...the list goes on.
When confronted with the question of what she is hoping I'll do when she stares at me, she says 'feel bad'. Well, I'm sorry to say that it's not working. I don't end up feeling bad - I end up feeling disappointed that, once again, she and I are not inhabiting the same plane of being.
Someone mentioned to me today that she might be doing some of these annoying things to get back to a place where she felt good (with me, before me, checkers, chess). I need to remember that. I am not ceeding control everytime I let her ask me a question twice. Right?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Pull it together sweetie!
Oh my...I really don't get my DD. I try to understand and maybe that's the first step I need to take - understanding may be impossible. She sabotages any and all happiness. Mostly her own happiness. I watch her at therapy and she can't stop fidgeting - dealing with her real feelings is so hard for her. She'll agree with him that she should try to do XXX or not do XXX...and then, five minutes later, we are back to square one. It's mostly the control. She seems to be at an all time high (although I think I've said that before - so don't quote me) about needing desperately to be in control of everything and everyone. She came to me two nights ago to tell me that she has another loose permanent tooth and she thinks that Dad should just rip it out. She doesn't deserve that tooth. When I pointed out that she'd never have another (a conversation I've now had a million times and still can't process) - she, once again, seemed shocked. Perhaps the Lord himself is supposed to be under her control - if she wants another tooth to come in - why not? I have begun pointing out to her when she's working hard to get negative attention by saying "wow, you really are putting in some effort to get me mad/frustrated at you...I think you should put that energy to better use" and then I make her go write or do a chore or play outside. She argues about everything and I'm of the camp that if I engage in an argument with a 9 year old - I'm going to win. I try to not engage...but sometimes I have a mental break and yes, it's worth it to argue about stupid little things. Later I realize how stupid it was...
Bright spot alert: DS2 is still rockin...he's really doing well. His only lingering annoyance is the soft talking - he gets some kind of high from people saying "what?"...now I'm ignoring or asking him to write it down. However, he doesn't seem to be tiring of writing it down...so, maybe it's not working? He's getting good grades and seems interested in school work (BIG step) and he's pleasant most of the time. I know that he's hoping for some restrictions to be lifted and we are starting to think about that. We have decided to let him join a track team this spring and I must say that it's the first time I've ever seen him passionate and excited about something. He's checking out books about track and field, telling everyone he sees about it and he's working out. The team sent a pre-season training manual and he's going for it...actually read it and is following the daily structure they have set out. Here's a biggie - he skipped his Xbox time (he gets 30 minutes on school nights) to work out because our schedule was hectic last night!
Speaking of last night - DD got to return to cheer/tumbling at a new gym. Week 2 and she acted like a fool...trying to show off for every coach on the floor and not completing the tasks she needs to complete. In some strange way it was good because her coach can now see that what I told her is not crazy...my DD the great manipulator...showed her colors last night. As I'm tired and this is her 3rd chance at this activity - it's one more mess up and we're done. I keep returning because she is good/gifted in that arena and I want her to feel proud of herself. There isn't a lot for her to show pride in...I'm not a good faker and won't congratulate her on something that she doesn't work hard at (please note: I did not say she has to excel...she must try hard)...but, she's blowing it! We are back to sabotaging her own life. Can it be true that a 9 year old can ruin her future? She's so young...please pray that she can learn to let go and let us help her. She needs to accept help.
DS1 is on his school's basketball team. He was disappointed to make the C team - but this is his first basketball experience and a lot of these other boys have been playing for years. That season runs concurrently with baseball for him - so lots of practices and little time for anything else. As long as homework gets done...I think maybe a break from social stuff would be ok! He still has that typical early teen streak (crud, he's not even 13 yet!) of nastiness and disrespect...but I think he's figuring out that we aren't standing for it. He has sweet days (ok, maybe hours) and has been reaching out more to hang out with DS2. Admittedly, it's hard for anyone to hang with DD right now...
So, life goes on day by day. I'm being as positive as I can be and hoping to rub it off on everyone in this home. Life is so startling, there is little time for anything else - my new favorite quote by Emily Dickenson!
Bright spot alert: DS2 is still rockin...he's really doing well. His only lingering annoyance is the soft talking - he gets some kind of high from people saying "what?"...now I'm ignoring or asking him to write it down. However, he doesn't seem to be tiring of writing it down...so, maybe it's not working? He's getting good grades and seems interested in school work (BIG step) and he's pleasant most of the time. I know that he's hoping for some restrictions to be lifted and we are starting to think about that. We have decided to let him join a track team this spring and I must say that it's the first time I've ever seen him passionate and excited about something. He's checking out books about track and field, telling everyone he sees about it and he's working out. The team sent a pre-season training manual and he's going for it...actually read it and is following the daily structure they have set out. Here's a biggie - he skipped his Xbox time (he gets 30 minutes on school nights) to work out because our schedule was hectic last night!
Speaking of last night - DD got to return to cheer/tumbling at a new gym. Week 2 and she acted like a fool...trying to show off for every coach on the floor and not completing the tasks she needs to complete. In some strange way it was good because her coach can now see that what I told her is not crazy...my DD the great manipulator...showed her colors last night. As I'm tired and this is her 3rd chance at this activity - it's one more mess up and we're done. I keep returning because she is good/gifted in that arena and I want her to feel proud of herself. There isn't a lot for her to show pride in...I'm not a good faker and won't congratulate her on something that she doesn't work hard at (please note: I did not say she has to excel...she must try hard)...but, she's blowing it! We are back to sabotaging her own life. Can it be true that a 9 year old can ruin her future? She's so young...please pray that she can learn to let go and let us help her. She needs to accept help.
DS1 is on his school's basketball team. He was disappointed to make the C team - but this is his first basketball experience and a lot of these other boys have been playing for years. That season runs concurrently with baseball for him - so lots of practices and little time for anything else. As long as homework gets done...I think maybe a break from social stuff would be ok! He still has that typical early teen streak (crud, he's not even 13 yet!) of nastiness and disrespect...but I think he's figuring out that we aren't standing for it. He has sweet days (ok, maybe hours) and has been reaching out more to hang out with DS2. Admittedly, it's hard for anyone to hang with DD right now...
So, life goes on day by day. I'm being as positive as I can be and hoping to rub it off on everyone in this home. Life is so startling, there is little time for anything else - my new favorite quote by Emily Dickenson!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The money tree and me
I'm feeling better and not so whiny (ha...I'm always whiney on here)!
So, the doc is upping DD's dosage...still need to give it time, he says. I hope for all involved that something clicks soon. I know that finding the right med (or mix of meds) can take a LONG time and I sound like a real pain for wanting immediate answers...but, it's kinda falling apart here. She's being a total pill at school - and at home - holy crap! She pulled the whole "I'm doing great thing" with doc tonight and I called her on it. Really...this is a man who can maybe, just maybe help us all and you can't be honest. UUUGGGGHHHHH! So, I have to spill it - in front of her. I was nearly crying...I don't feel like I'm asking too much. I want my 9.5 year old DD to be able to live a 9.5 year old life. You know, laugh, run, play, get dirty, make friends, tell a story (one that makes some type of sense PLEASE)...I feel like she's a 70 year old with one foot in the grave. She worries so much. He said he's leaning toward an anxiety disorder with OCD. I can see that. We aren't living like a movie of the week or anything - she doesn't have to step on certain tiles...but I have, in fact, seen her count the tiles as she steps on them. Her pillows must be in a certain order on her bed. I always saw that as a nuture thing - I'm an anal freak and I thought "oh, she got that from me"...huh...maybe not.
Good news of sorts - DD started back in tumbling/cheer. We'd had her out for behavior and honestly, I wasn't enjoying her gym. We switched gyms and she started again - much smaller classes and littler gym...but I liked it very much. The instructor started out right away letting her really show her stuff...she's good. Very blessed. She got her back tuck while we were there - had been working on it for a year or so and just threw it. It was a very proud moment and I want her to have those. There are so many things to keep her down - she's need the good. Here's hoping she can continue to hold up her end of the bargain and earn the right to continue to go.
DS2 blew something today - he had earned a privilege back and blew it quickly. What a bummer! I so want him to succeed...I feel like he loses it on purpose - things are going too good and he freaks out. He just completed a model of our digestive system - try explaining to a 10 year old that a rectum is not his penis...yes, real conversation. Then in his 'explanation paragraph' - he said "the rectum is your butthole"...ummmmm...not too scientific. I tried to stay uninvolved and he really did all the work himself. We brainstormed some ideas of articles he could use to build it and I did the hot glue. It looks good and is quality work. It's a step!
DS1 got his first 'job'. He was brave and asked the retired couple across the street if they had a lawn guy for this summer. They did not and they hired him. He's making big bucks...in fact, I think they should pay him less - but as long as he takes the responsibility seriously and really follows through - it will be a great lesson. Of course, this means that DH will have a new job also...at least for a few weeks and the decision was made that DS1 will have to pay DH for his help - an employee of sorts!
We re-started allowance last week. I am not good at following through. This time I put it on their plates. They have to give me a reminder on Sunday and I promise to get them paid by Monday. It's a set amount simply for being a good, upstanding member of the family...but should you blow that - things can cost you. If I have to do your chores (because you didn't do them or did them poorly) - then I get paid. It's a lesson to learn early. My prediction: DS1 will never have money but will have plenty of Starbucks rolling around in his belly and lots of movie money for the summer, DS2 will have a lot of money - he's my saver, DD will have a lot of little stuff that breaks in a day or gets thrown in a box. Did I mention that she used her Christmas money to buy a toy that said for "3-18 months" - I pointed it out and she didn't care - got it home, played for 2 minutes and said "this is for babies"...oh vey!
So, the doc is upping DD's dosage...still need to give it time, he says. I hope for all involved that something clicks soon. I know that finding the right med (or mix of meds) can take a LONG time and I sound like a real pain for wanting immediate answers...but, it's kinda falling apart here. She's being a total pill at school - and at home - holy crap! She pulled the whole "I'm doing great thing" with doc tonight and I called her on it. Really...this is a man who can maybe, just maybe help us all and you can't be honest. UUUGGGGHHHHH! So, I have to spill it - in front of her. I was nearly crying...I don't feel like I'm asking too much. I want my 9.5 year old DD to be able to live a 9.5 year old life. You know, laugh, run, play, get dirty, make friends, tell a story (one that makes some type of sense PLEASE)...I feel like she's a 70 year old with one foot in the grave. She worries so much. He said he's leaning toward an anxiety disorder with OCD. I can see that. We aren't living like a movie of the week or anything - she doesn't have to step on certain tiles...but I have, in fact, seen her count the tiles as she steps on them. Her pillows must be in a certain order on her bed. I always saw that as a nuture thing - I'm an anal freak and I thought "oh, she got that from me"...huh...maybe not.
Good news of sorts - DD started back in tumbling/cheer. We'd had her out for behavior and honestly, I wasn't enjoying her gym. We switched gyms and she started again - much smaller classes and littler gym...but I liked it very much. The instructor started out right away letting her really show her stuff...she's good. Very blessed. She got her back tuck while we were there - had been working on it for a year or so and just threw it. It was a very proud moment and I want her to have those. There are so many things to keep her down - she's need the good. Here's hoping she can continue to hold up her end of the bargain and earn the right to continue to go.
DS2 blew something today - he had earned a privilege back and blew it quickly. What a bummer! I so want him to succeed...I feel like he loses it on purpose - things are going too good and he freaks out. He just completed a model of our digestive system - try explaining to a 10 year old that a rectum is not his penis...yes, real conversation. Then in his 'explanation paragraph' - he said "the rectum is your butthole"...ummmmm...not too scientific. I tried to stay uninvolved and he really did all the work himself. We brainstormed some ideas of articles he could use to build it and I did the hot glue. It looks good and is quality work. It's a step!
DS1 got his first 'job'. He was brave and asked the retired couple across the street if they had a lawn guy for this summer. They did not and they hired him. He's making big bucks...in fact, I think they should pay him less - but as long as he takes the responsibility seriously and really follows through - it will be a great lesson. Of course, this means that DH will have a new job also...at least for a few weeks and the decision was made that DS1 will have to pay DH for his help - an employee of sorts!
We re-started allowance last week. I am not good at following through. This time I put it on their plates. They have to give me a reminder on Sunday and I promise to get them paid by Monday. It's a set amount simply for being a good, upstanding member of the family...but should you blow that - things can cost you. If I have to do your chores (because you didn't do them or did them poorly) - then I get paid. It's a lesson to learn early. My prediction: DS1 will never have money but will have plenty of Starbucks rolling around in his belly and lots of movie money for the summer, DS2 will have a lot of money - he's my saver, DD will have a lot of little stuff that breaks in a day or gets thrown in a box. Did I mention that she used her Christmas money to buy a toy that said for "3-18 months" - I pointed it out and she didn't care - got it home, played for 2 minutes and said "this is for babies"...oh vey!
Monday, March 2, 2009
1 is the lonliest number
I should get a paycheck from my insurance company - I find more mistakes in their work than you can imagine. I usually try to tackle it every 2 weeks and still end up spending an hour documenting and talking to them on the phone. It shouldn't be this hard - but no good AT are covered on insurance and even the kid's psychiatrist is not applying our payments. At least once we hit the deductible, I lay it all in their laps - but boy, do they ever try to cheat us out of putting the money toward that deductible that should be put there. So, I'm cranky tonight...this is why I only do this insurance crap at night - no reason to ruin my whole day!
DD's meds are not working. We are past the point where he claimed we'd see a difference. If I wasn't the one giving her a pill each day - I would not even know she's taking anything. We see the doc again this week and I'm ready to pounce. We need help here. I'm not taking the "give it more time"...we may not make it. DH got home tonight to an angry kitchen. DD owed me restribution time and was 'helping' get ready for dinner. Though she was obviously using that as a chance to ruin my evening. She wouldn't follow a simple direction - couldn't complete things she's done a million times before. I continued to have her sit until she could comply or repeat to me what she was supposed to be doing. By the time he walked in - I was not being nice. I don't have time to simply drop everything happening and jump up to say hello...So, now silence. He's mad - I'm mad...but, I say it. I wait all day to have an adult conversation and then this. I'm not pleased...I can see why so many marriages end in divorce - what, 50% and add the stress from our family situation on top of it. It's tough. I feel very alone.
On a total other note - we got new family room furniture and I was so happy...then driving home I started having buyer's remorse. I was worried about the sofa being armless and the leather (I swear to you it's not 80s leather...really) - and I let it get to me so much that I went back to the store today to sit and lay on the couch. Spent a long time with that piece of furniture...grabbed pillows and really laid down - propped myself up at the end where I usually sit to do paperwork. I wanted to know that it would work - sometimes that couch is my only get away...we are going from very fluffy to very sleek. I'm happy about that because the fluffiness gets smooshed and then I'm annoyed. So, after 10 sales people asking me if they could help me and numerous customers staring blantantly - I left. It comes in a couple of days and I guess I'll only really know then...but my remorse is gone!
So - there is it...mad at insurance people, hurt by DH and ready for new furniture. That seems normal, yes?
DD's meds are not working. We are past the point where he claimed we'd see a difference. If I wasn't the one giving her a pill each day - I would not even know she's taking anything. We see the doc again this week and I'm ready to pounce. We need help here. I'm not taking the "give it more time"...we may not make it. DH got home tonight to an angry kitchen. DD owed me restribution time and was 'helping' get ready for dinner. Though she was obviously using that as a chance to ruin my evening. She wouldn't follow a simple direction - couldn't complete things she's done a million times before. I continued to have her sit until she could comply or repeat to me what she was supposed to be doing. By the time he walked in - I was not being nice. I don't have time to simply drop everything happening and jump up to say hello...So, now silence. He's mad - I'm mad...but, I say it. I wait all day to have an adult conversation and then this. I'm not pleased...I can see why so many marriages end in divorce - what, 50% and add the stress from our family situation on top of it. It's tough. I feel very alone.
On a total other note - we got new family room furniture and I was so happy...then driving home I started having buyer's remorse. I was worried about the sofa being armless and the leather (I swear to you it's not 80s leather...really) - and I let it get to me so much that I went back to the store today to sit and lay on the couch. Spent a long time with that piece of furniture...grabbed pillows and really laid down - propped myself up at the end where I usually sit to do paperwork. I wanted to know that it would work - sometimes that couch is my only get away...we are going from very fluffy to very sleek. I'm happy about that because the fluffiness gets smooshed and then I'm annoyed. So, after 10 sales people asking me if they could help me and numerous customers staring blantantly - I left. It comes in a couple of days and I guess I'll only really know then...but my remorse is gone!
So - there is it...mad at insurance people, hurt by DH and ready for new furniture. That seems normal, yes?
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