Wednesday, April 29, 2009

You really made me feel good today!

There are moments in our worlds where all the stars align. Moments that can take your breath away and they are never the moments you plan. Today was an incredibly nice and special day. DD awoke today with a renewed attitude. She was loving and kind and fun this morning. She came home with hugs and a still loving attitude. She caught up on the chores that she has been avoiding and did so with an attitude of gratitude! She is totally 100% caught up.
DS2 has been having another good day. Tonight was his first track practice for the new competitive team he joined. He has been so nervous and really playing it up that he 'can't do it' and won't be good. I sent him off with hugs and positive words of how great I knew he could do. When I picked him up, he was beaming and a coach came over to tell me that he is quite a wonderful distance runner. The coach went on about his pace and stride and I could see him puffing up. I'm SO HAPPY for him. He didn't want to be a distance runner, but tonight - he'll be anything because he's stoked to have someone think he's so good at something! We went to the park when we got home and played catch. As we were walking home he said "you really made me feel good today!" And, I said the same thing - he is making me feel good!
While DS2 was at practice DD remained compliant and fun. We ran an errand and she was helpful and sweet. I then took her to a large park that we don't often get to go to...she played and even made 'friends' with a girl her age. When I told her we needed to go, she ran to me easily and hugged me. She thanked me for taking her to the park.
Even DS1 is being very cool. Of course, I believe he's trying to earn back the cell phone that I currently have in my possession. But, he came home with actual hugs and he took responsibility for playing with the dogs and even did his chore well and quickly.
So, all in all - today took my breath away! I hope to not get it back for a long time...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The longest game ever

In 1984 the Milwaukee Brewers and Chicago White Sox played a 25 inning game that lasted 8 hours and 6 minutes. I'm guessing the stands were pretty empty at the end of that mess. Well, I think DD is trying to set a record for the longest stand-off in attachment parenting. Actually, I'm sure we aren't even close...but she's working me over. If I wasn't working so HARD to be strong, I'd be down for the count. She simply will not do anyting my way. Nothing.
When asked to a do a chore, she'll leave one little piece of it undone - it's an obvious decision on her part...not like missing a little section of table when she's dusting. So, I give her the chance to re-try the chore. She'll again NOT do the exact same thing. The third time of re-trying gains you another chore. We are in day two of this standoff and she's run up quite a list. What's bothering her even more is that I haven't raised my voice or taken the smile off my face - at least not in front of her. I continue to tell her how strong she is becoming by learning to do things the right way, Mom's way. Now, when I walk away, I'm rubbing my eyes and counting to 10 and screaming into pillows. I kid you not, cleaning the downstairs sink drug on for 3 hours and 12 minutes...over 2 days. It took 7 tries and therefore she earned the privilege of practicing her abilities on 4 more chores.
I haven't 'taken' anything from her...she's not grounded, hasn't lost plug in privileges...but she must have her consequences completed prior to getting to fun stuff. Well...this is day 3 of no fun stuff. I have given her a million, zillion hugs and lots of verbal positivism! Right now is shower time and she's really singing up a storm as it's 'free time' in her book...that's fine!
After dinner tonight she cleared her plate and put the meat in the sink and left it there...didn't put it down the disposal as she is supposed to do. I led her back to the kitchen and stood her at the sink and asked her to finish her clearing so we could all do ours. She stood there for a good 10 minutes staring at the meat in the sink. She knew what to do. I had her strong sit - I took her meat out of the sink, allowed the rest of us to clear our places and then placed her meat back in the sink and told her to take her time - it's good to make your brain work really hard. Once we had all left the room and there was no audience - she miraculously remembered how to run the disposal...I guess being in a room by yourself is not as much fun as hoping that someone will get mad at you.
Perhaps the most interesting part of all this is seeing DS2's reaction. I have told all three kids that when someone else is making bad choices - you are to go about with your life and pay no attention to that troubled person. All of us have been doing good. She's upset and we continue on with our day. Tonight after the whole disposal mess he said "wow, it must have been that annoying when I wouldn't do anything right". I asked if he knew when he was making that choice, to purposefully disobey and he said "sure...I made that choice anytime you started to feel like my mom".
He didn't realize the depth of that statement. He did have a tough time last week...but once again, he's shown his strength by turning it around big time. He's been a pure joy. As DH came into the house yesterday and I was ready to pounce with all the info about how mad I was at DS1 and how calm I was trying to stay with DD...I had to mention first and foremost that DS2 had a joyful day and was loving and respectful! That's something DH doesn't get to hear too much!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The dead parents game

I'm still on my high from reading Dandelion and I've been very proud of myself. Although DD was really pushing my buttons this morning, I thought I handled it very well. When I woke up (I actually slept in people...) and went downstairs, DD had placed her reading log on my desk. That was a good start - it was exactly where I ask for it to be and she hadn't come to wake me or pester me for 'where to put it' - we've only been doing the reading log for 36 or so weeks! As I looked at it I saw that she claimed to have read for an hour this morning - from 8:30 (when she's allowed to get out of bed) to 9:30. I wouldn't normally question it, she likes to read and she sometimes saves it up for a big 'all at one time read-in'...EXCEPT...the clock told me it was only 9:10. Since I could hear her downstairs playing with her brothers, I was guessing that she wasn't reading down there or telepathically.
I called her up and said: you sure did read for a long time this morning - what did you read?
Blah, blah, blah
Wow, are you reading downstairs? Because this says you read until 9:30.
No, I did read until 9:30.
Interesting, it's only 9:10.
Oh, I started at 8:10.
Hmmm, you aren't supposed to be up until 8:30.
Cry, stomp...pout.

I asked two times for the truth - and didn't get it...then I stated the truth and she repeated me grudgingly. I gave her the consequence (having to read again for the full time and being in her room for awhile) and sent her on her way with a hug and "I'm so proud you could repeat the truth".

We went to DS1's baseball game. She had some time in with me and then I allowed her to go play with the other siblings in line of sight. They were role playing something and she came over and said (loudly in front of our whole crowd)...We are playing a game where my parents are dead and I have to find new ones. I'm looking all over the world, because I know they aren't here!

Ah, youth! Apparently, my sweet demeanor is pissing her, I'm dead in her game. The mom next to me said "I've never heard of that game" and I said - oh, she plays it every day!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Where's HE going???

The waves of time continue to wash over us and as I've mentioned before, it's not always good. It is true in my home that the children feed off each other. If one is having a bad spell, the others are better - or at least the other (non plural). There is always one kid doing REALLY well. Much like six degrees of separation, there is usually six degrees of 'funness' at my house. DS1 has continued to fall somewhere in the middle. I'm stuggling with switching from attachment parenting to 'normal' parenting (if there is such a thing). He and one of his good friends have gotten into it a few times. He shares these things with me - usually when he starts to feel it's escalating. He does, at least, know when he can't handle it. However, that is when DH thinks I need to make him handle it - learn to fight his own battles. Maybe, that's right to a point. If I jump in at that dark moment and tell him what to say or how to fix his problem - am I saving him? Yikes...I have never thought of myself as overprotective or a helicopter, yet here I am. BTW, all these arguments are by text and I am starting to feel like an old codger. I hate that technology. Kids can say so MANY mean things by text that they would never say to someone's face - never. It just seems to be the new generations 'mean girl' in a handheld version. On a nicer note, he has met and become friends with some girls...I'm glad to see us getting to that point and I'm also sure it's the reason for some of the craziness.
DS2 may be the sadder part of my story today. He's slipping. I knew that it couldn't/wouldn't last forever, but I was expecting it to become just typical stuff. I did not expect to get back into attachment so hard, so fast. My brain always tells me to sit him down and chat about it...but that doesn't work. I'm reading "Dandelion on my Pillow, Butcher Knife Beneath" by Nancy, Terena and Beth Thomas and Oh My Gosh. It's resonating with me. Yes, my therapist has told me all these things - yes, all the 'guidebooks' to raising AD kids have told me this stuff...but reading it in a more story telling format is both exhilarating and hard on me. I find myself unable to put it down at times, feeling as though she is writing about my family. Then, I feel like I need a shower after other parts. It's a great read and brings me back to the fact that I've renewed my attachment parenting in many ways - which is probably rubbing DS2 the wrong way!
He's just angry again. Told me he would shot a guy in the head if they acted to him like he acts to me. Tells me I don't like him and that is why he never gets another chance to play violent video games (yes, there is no obsession there Virginia). When he was mad at me, he drew a Mom May Not Enter sign with dead bodies, flames and blood all over it and left it out for me to find when he went to school. When he returned home it was at his place and I smiled at him and said - Wow, your art is really expressive - I know your apology letter to me will be just as expressive and thoughful. I can understand that kids don't want to write a letter - but his anger is more because I didn't get mad, you know? Same as DD - he is searching for that hot, burning anger that fuels him. Yes, he's gotten it from me before and I'm sure he will again...but I'm human and I'm trying to be the best mom I can be. I realize now that I slipped in these last few months with him - it had become so regular and kind of a relationship, that I didn't do my attachment techniques. Not like I should have...then, I think "is there ever a time when I can let my guard down?" Do the experts tell me that? At what point can I say that he/she is acting healthy enough to be treated normally? Last night, he was curled up on his bed pouting about a choice he has to make - how hard it was and how he can't do it (another mantra for him). I sat down and reached over to rub his back and he rolled away and said 'don't touch me'. Yet, another piece of me broken off. What do I do then? I moved further and rubbed his back while he tensed and looked at the clock and said 'thank God, it's my bedtime'. Aaahhhh, what a sweet evening!
DD is on a new med...we're trying Zoloft. I'm keeping my eyes fully upon her - we've also added fish oil for the properties it's showing to help with emotional stability. We'll see how it all goes. She is being much more fun to be around and I can see that she is learning to cede control (it goes in waves within her little soul). She stood in my kitchen yesterday morning, ready for school in plenty of time, looking adorable and smiling and said "can you see I'm becoming more mature?"...maybe, just maybe we'll get a little upswing here!

Please come visit me at where I've been lucky enough to become a feature writer. I'm the resident "attachment gal"...please note, I would NEVER say expert!!! Just a person to tell my stories and hope others will want to read them. They'll be doing a cool mother's day giveaway, so get over there in the next few weeks. You can find my articles under the writer name "Voni" and it's the attachment section - I believe I'm the headline story every two weeks on Monday!

Monday, April 20, 2009

chicks unite

Today was a pretty good day around here. The kids didn't have school...if anyone is keeping track, it seems my kids are never in school. Or perhaps that is just the stress of filling a long day talking! At any rate, today worked ok. Gives me hope for this summer!
We watched Slumdog Millionaire this morning. I had raved about this movie since the moment I saw it. I bought it the day it came out on DVD - and I never do that. I felt the story was incredible and I didn't know how to say that it was so great, but yet I couldn't share it with them. I knew I could show it to DS1...questioned DS2 and really downright thought it was a mistake to try with DD. However, against that judgement - I went for it. And, they all sat and paid attention and loved it as much as I did. We talked about it afterward and they got a lot of the symbolism. Small don't read the rest of this paragraph if you haven't seen it. The fact that, in the end, Salim put his brother's life and happiness ahead of his was a biggie for them. How does someone love someone else that much even after they did bad things to them? Was it guilt or true giving? Why did he have to die in a tub of money? If 'it is written' does that mean we can't change the course of our lives?

OK, come back to me now...After the movie we headed up to the orthodontist. It's about a mile from our house and I was determined to have a no car day - I do my small part for the planet from time to time. So, we set out to walk and dang, the sidewalks weren't clear from our big snow. So, I had to relent and go get the car. I didn't think that walking on a major street with three kids was the greatest plan...even in the name of saving the Earth. When we returned home the kids were having a snow fight - mind you, it was 75 here today, but still about a foot or so of snow on the grass...melting fast and wet and soggy everywhere. So, DD decides she doesn't want to play since she's getting pelted. She cries and I invite her in. I decided to have some chick time. The boys were busy (more on that in a moment). So, I did her full make-up. We disscussed good choices in that department and bad ones. Then I dressed her up and took pictures. We played model. She posed and showed off and I snapped away. We went around the house finding cool places to take pics and I got some great shots. It was a really nice time together. I wish I could post pics here - but I'm trying to keep some things private (including their faces). I'm oh-so-proud of my little beauty...but I'm holding myself back. She was kind and fun and loving as we did this. She's also proud - wanted Dad to look at the pics as soon as he got home. I'll be framing some of those for sure!
On the boy front...DS1 has been texting a girl 24/7 since Friday and today he and DS2 went to the park across the street to meet up with this girl and her friend. I'm trying to be cool and not ask a million questions...but it is KILLING ME! He's not 'hiding' anything...he's answered all I've asked. No, she's not his girlfriend - yes, she's nice to him - uhhhh, she's cute. I think he took DS2 as his 'beard'...he said something about needing to take his brother sledding to 'help out' mom. I didn't ask him to - but hey, they were getting along. After 2 long hours at the park, DS1 looks pretty happy. I have to say that I'm at the threshold with this we are - girls, boys, hormones, love and I this old?
DD and I later went to our neighbor's house to help a couple of girls that are trying out for cheerleading. It was a great thing for DD to see that others view her as great at something. Older girls looking at her for advice and her getting to be a teacher to someone...imparting wisdom. It made her feel good and I could tell because she gave me numerous unsolicited hugs while we were there.
One funny thing - DD told the girls that she is strong because mom makes her do exercise when she gets in trouble (this is true...we believe in physical exercise as a consequence and to re-direct active little bodies)...she pointed out that on really bad days she can do hundreds of pushups. Then she said "mom sometimes knows best...look how strong I am in my body now". Ha, ha...insert evil laugh here!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

inside out

The newest twist is wearing clothes inside out or backwards. It's all on DD...and I'm trying SO HARD to not let it bait me. The other day when I totally ignored the shirt on backwards and the earrings on upside down, she nearly lost it.
"Hey mom, did you look at my earrings?"
They are very pretty!
"Did you see if they look right?"
If you think they are good, so do I!
"Does my shirt look weird?"
No, it looks nice!

She stomped upstairs and came back down with the clothes/earrings on right. What does she want out of these interactions??? Is there respite care for adults or is it just a large bottle of alcohol???

Thursday, April 16, 2009

past injuries

I can already see a minor difference in DD since we started cycling down on her meds. However, yesterday was a day off from school (basically - they had to be there a whooping 1.5 hours to do some assessments...but they were home the whole rest of the day) and you know what, those never go good. You would think I would be getting nervous about summer. That's a lot of days off of school all strung together. I'm just not 'going there' in my mind yet. I'll get a plan, I know I will.
Very long day - told in short version...I sat DD down in my room and tried to get her to talk about things with me. I worked through some things our therapist works through with her - I wanted her to hear that it comes from me too. I got the response I nearly always get "I'm fine" - "I feel nothing". Last night she actually said "I'm blank"...I feel like that sums it up very nicely. She is so tuned out. So, I asked pointed questions about her last day in her birth family. We have to address the loss - I know this...but it's not always something I'm up for doing. Last night was a calm discussion with the smell of clean sheets in the air and we were face to face and well, I went there! Of course, I've read the story...and I knew most details from her own mouth - back when she liked to tell me these stories. But, last night, I really let myself feel it. I think I'd always pretended I was watching it happen in a movie - but she is flesh and bone and my daughter and it happened to HER. Her story matches up so closely with the police report, that I believe her. However, as she told it - I cried and she had no emotional reaction. I held her close - I told her that it is OK to be sad about what happened. One part is that she was begging for food or money outside a grocery store, which it seems she did on a regular basis (sent by her mother) she told me, I pointed out how sad we'd feel if we saw a child doing that at our grocery store. But, she said, it wasn't a normal was me. I held her tight and kissed her head and wished I could take away that part of her that thinks it's ok that it happened to HER. She never cried, never showed emotion...although she let me hold her tight and she let me kiss her and she even relaxed a little in my arms. I continued to tell her that she is safe here, that I will care for her for the rest of her life, that it's ok to feel like a kid that can have fun...she can stop being in control - I've got the reins and she is safe. And, I cried some more...she wiped my tears away and would look at her hand and kept asking me why I was crying? Can it be true that she doesn't know I'm crying for her past for what was done to her? I told her so. And yet, she'd ask again...

10 minutes later - she was back in her control mode and disregarding everything I said and purposefully not following house rules...and it occurred to me that there is a chance that this may not get better. Yes, I always say - if this is as good as it gets, are you ok with that? - and I think I'm living it...but I felt like a small breakthrough happened last night and apparently it was only in my head and heart - not hers.

On another note - teenage boys are ridiculous! I really thought I'd get to skip a lot of the hormonal drama until DD got there...but wow! DS1 was in a bit of a texting battle last night with his supposed best friend. He's pretty dog gone honest and was relaying to me what was going down as he was sending and receiving messages. It started out about girls and which girls think which boys are hot...then it progressed to baseball and name calling about who is better on the some point I started thinking there is NO WAY that a friend is saying these things. So, I took the phone and actually read the messages. Yep, his friend was treating him like dirt. I was faced with wheter to butt out and let him learn or step in. I'll end the drama - I stepped in. I don't want him to so under-value himself that he's willing to be treated the way this kid is treating him. I can't imagine what the commons were like for him today...where to stand, who to talk to - it's all overwhelming when you are losing a friend like this. I prayed with him/for him this morning and I don't do that very often. I think he realized that I understood what he's going through and my heart is breaking even now. This age is hard enough and it's harder when kids can't play nice!

Lastly, the 10 year Columbine anniversary is upcoming. I can't believe it's been that long. It seems like I was just watching that terror unfold on my TV screen. I think, for me, that was the first time I knew for sure that our world was different than my memories from childhood...of course, 9/11 came not too many years after and then I knew for sure. I hope that my children can salvage some sweet memories of the world they grew up in...but I'm not so sure. Recessions and murders seem to be the only news that makes the news anymore...why can't we find the silver lining just every now and then? I try to search out great stories on the web and share them with the kids at dinner. There are still people doing good things, teaching good values and working hard to make this a better place without a political agenda. I hope my kids can find those people. I hope someday they know that is what I'm even working toward.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Just say no to drugs

I hate this med that DD is taking...I really feel like it's correlated to a lot of the bad stuff that's been going on around here. We are cycling her down, but I just want her off. Yes, I did some research the first day we got the script - but I figured the doc knew that it would work. Obvioulsy, I should know that psychiatry (especially for children?) seems to be a hit and miss science. If this doc doesn't understand my concerns and agree with me soon, I'll have to change docs. She became so angry and oppositional. Those who know our stories know that she is often 'difficult'...but this was more. So, cycling down - calling today to tell them I want her off and we need to move on to something new or someone new.
Easter was a dreary weather day here. We need the moisture, so I can't complain. We had family in town that my DH hasn't seen in a very long time (I'm talking 20+ years) and my kids were all very happy to meet new cousins/uncles and see grandma again. I didn't cook, so it was a success in my eyes. We had the best shrimp I have ever eaten (courtesy of Costco...what can't that place do???) and a lovely assortment of other items. DS1 was very into the day - he talked and told stories and shook hands and seemed all around agreeable. Needless to say, that is a bit of a rarity around here lately. Just now he asked when he could have his phone back. I didn't even remember that I had it! I have obviously taken it one too many times, just part of life now. However, I know I've had it since Thursday - so the fact that he hadn't asked a thousand times was enough to earn it back this morning. Did you know that discussing the difference between submersibles and submarines can cause a family feud? Neither did I! But, he tried yesterday and was shocked to see that I actually did what I said I would. I sent him out of the room calmly, reminding him that "we aren't going to argue about pointless subjects anymore". He cooled off and rejoined us in a much better mood! The day was enjoyable.
DH's older uncle had told all the other family members that "two Russians" live here with us. That doesn't bother me...I don't get tied up in all the titles and political correctness most of the time. Of course, we generally wouldn't even talk about the adoption...but the family brought it up as they didn't know anything about it. Interestingly, it took awhile, but I found out that they didn't know which 2 kids were adopted from Russia and none of them could figure it out. They also didn't know that they'd only been home three years and assumed they'd been adopted as infants, etc. I take this as a victory...we can all assimilate into normalcy. For sure, they would have known nothing if they hadn't been told. There are times that I have to wave the adoption flag - hoping to get help for my kids or hoping to not look totally crazy when they do things. But, yesterday we told the good stories: the funny stuff about our trips, the hilarious things DS2 and DD said as they learned English. In doing all this I realized how much I can brag on them. Come on, I have two kids who spoke NO English 41 months ago - NONE...and now they read on grade level, do most work on grade level and have these whole personalities which are cute and fun when not in battle with me. I'm really very proud!
I have to tell a funny story and this is not to start a political debate...but it was a yet another moment when I knew that she was mine (even in her heart). Uncle X is a staunch democrat - a great fundraiser in that community. He's written a book and met most of the big players in the party. He had pictures of Obama, Hilary, Pelosi...and is very proud of them (hey, I get that totally)! I had told the kids that we were not going to discuss politics, but they also didn't have to listen to things that made them uncomfortable. So, he was showing his pictures and talking about a lot of stuff and the boys made their exit while DD stayed to charm. I eventually pulled her out to have lunch. For Easter she got Horton hears a Who gift set, which included a stuffed Horton. Towards the end of the day Uncle X saw her with the elephant and said "why on Earth are you playing with an elephant? Are you a republican or something?"...she calmly turned her head and said "yes I am, but it's nothing to argue about"! I had to leave the room because I was about to die of laughter. While it didn't please Uncle X...I did stand up for her and mention how polite she'd been to listen to his stories and look at his pictures. We all changed the subject quickly and ignored the comments that followed! But, I was proud of her for being calm and focusing on the task at hand - to have a nice Easter!
I hope you all had a great Easter as well!!!

Friday, April 10, 2009

pizza once or twice

My DD is making me sad. For her, for me...for what I hope she can become and maybe won't. Something is amiss at my house. In about 48 hours she has left our house in her pajamas to go 'be homeless' - she's told us about 20 times that she'd just like to go back to Russia or find 'other parents' - she's called names and tried to hurt herself - and to be honest, at this exact moment she is upstairs throwing up...but DH is taking care of it because I don't even know if it's real. What a terrible statement, huh? She went to bed fine, but upset that she had her normal bedtime on a weekend night (we have a very early baseball game) - then suddenly she's throwing up. This is after a week where she was told that if you stick your fingers down your throat, you can make yourself throw up. Is that coincidence? I really don't know. OK, I'm not uncaring...going to check...
So, she did puke, but real or not...still gave her hugs, brushed her teeth and tucked her back in. I did remind her that making yourself throw up can hurt your throat. We'll see...she sure does have a very sad face. Do prison wardens have a test for real and fake puke? I sometimes think that I should go to training for wardens...perhaps a future career choice for me!

I had to keep her home this morning. Yesterday, she cheated on her math homework and lied about it. I erased the answers she had cheated on and did not allow her to do the work over last night. This morning I told her I was sending her to school and she would have to miss recess to complete the work...she smiled and said "that's fine, they'll just do it with me and I won't have to learn it". Whoops - appreciate the truth...but it lost her the privilege of attending school this morning. The whole concept was that if she completed the sheet, I'd take her to school. The power struggle was big for her...not so much for me. She ended up taking 3.5 hours to complete a worksheet with 12 questions. She cried, pulled out drawers in her dressers, cried some more, begged for help and rinse and repeat. I offered her help - and helped her - but when she would drag out the drama and lies and pretending...I stopped. This went on for a long time. She finally finished and I believe she knew how to do it...actually do it. I took her to school and stopped to chat with friends. When think I've hit the bottom of embarrassment, I find there is a new level. I'm not shy in talking about it. Since DD (and even DS2) have tried to report on me...I feel that being honest helps me in many ways. Today a teacher was chatting with me and she mentioned that she was sad because we had worked so hard to bring them home and she remembered how excited we were during the process. Yes, we were. I don't remember that very much. I also know the truth.
The people that I hope will listen to my story won't. If you are in process to adopt a child, you don't want to admit that it may not be a good outcome. You can't allow yourself to know that things aren't always perfect. And, the dilema is this: I don't want people to run away from adopting older children. These children both need and deserve homes and people who can love them. BUT, I don't like how uneducated it seems many people are. I still remember the class that DH and I sat through on attachment. It was scary and as we left, we laughed it off and thought about all the poor suckers who ended up like that. Perhaps, karma, right? So, as I looked at this caring woman, offering me her support and maybe her sorrow, I also realized that I have to remember that there was joy in this.
Tonight, we had pizza after baseball. I must say that it was joyful because we laughed. We joked, we had a meal of normal. It's the best thing I've ever eaten! (DD might now agree...poor baby...I've decided to believe that she is really sick and that pizza is the bad guy...)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

the wall and the red tape

We see a lot of doctors. It seems my kids have been physically ill more than usual this winter, along with psychiatrists, therapists and all the assorted others in our rotation. So, you would think that I would be thankful for a good insurance policy - and I am! Really! BUT, it requires a lot of work. I've become a major sqeaky wheel to get our deductible met and everything applied where it needs to applied. I think our insurance company has probably red flagged my file, because the people there seem to talk to me in a very 'come in and get off the ledge' kind of way. I actually told them that I should receive a paycheck since I've caught so many mistakes they've made. Needless to say, I'm not holding my breath. This morning I'm talking to a billing lady for the kid's psych. They bill about 2 months in arrears...which is annoying. They owe me money - like enough money to cover 10 visits...but they don't have their system they keep making me pay. I'm not happy about that. At their appointment yesterday I took all the documents from insurance company showing that they are overcharging me and I have a credit. The cute little gal behind the counter was unwilling to look at said docs, because she's 'not in billing' - I asked her to fax the docs to billing and she wouldn't do it unless I would reschedule my appointment. So, I call the billing lady today and she says "you should have taken your docs to your visit so they could fax them to me and then we wouldn't have charged you"...AARRGGHH!

So, if the companies that are supposedly offering us help can do this all 2 months behind...I think I should be able to do the rest of my life 2 months behind. OH, the field trip was last month - sorry I missed it. OH, credit card company - you must understand that I've decided to work 2 months in'll be seeing my payment soon! Phone company, electric company, water, cable, cell - check, check and check. They'll all except that right? I'll just tell them to call the billing lady for approval!

BTW, DD sat in our appointment like a full on comedian. She was doing sign language and fake screaming when I was talking. When asked to address her unsafe behavior, like walking in front of traffic, she made up the story about her brain telling her to do bad things. Thankfully, doc XXX didn't believe it for one second. However, we left with the same meds as before...worrying and anxiety are taking a backseat to plain old defiant nastiness. Which, apparently, is my problem. Dang! All I want is a miracle drug...
When doc XXX asked her if she thinks I'm right about most things I say - she said yes - then proceeded to argue with me about 10 times which he pointed out means that she doesn't believe I'm right. She seemed shocked.
I've made up a new fable to share with her. Here it is:
There is a little girl who lives in a town that is surrounded by a huge brick wall. When she was little she lived in the scary part of town. In that part of town, she had to act like a big girl and sometimes she would dream that the wall would magically open and she could go to the other side. The dreams were so real, that she believed it had happened. The little girl gets to move to the brighter part of town. She feels free sometimes, like she doesn't have to be an adult. So, one day she walks up to the wall and runs smack into it - hard! It bruises her face and hurts her head. She goes home and shows her mom and her mom says "that wall doesn't can hurt yourself". The next day the girl walks into the wall again - sure that it will open for her. Again, she gets hurt. She waits a while and walks into it again - week after week and every time she gets the same result. She's hurt and bleeding. Her mom tells her that all the good things she needs, the healthy things, the safe things, the things to be a fun and happy kid are inside the wall, but she can't believe her. She just keeps walking into the wall. I believe that one day, she'll learn that the walking into the wall gives her a bad result - the same bad result everytime. One day she'll be happy to live inside the wall, inside the strength of what her mom tells her. One day, she'll figure out that maybe trying to live inside the wall is not so bad...could even be nice.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Can I get a wha, wha???

OK, list of things that I have and know are intact:
eyes - check (I can still see my DD pulling her teeth out)
ears - check (I can still hear her telling me that getting pulled out in the hall by her teacher is NOT getting in trouble)
mouth - check (I know I still have all my teeth)
arms - they are still there although not busy since most of the time, no one wants a hug
legs - yep, I can still carry laundry up and down and take the dogs outside from time to time
heart - sad and a little broken
brain - that one is missing...heck, even gathering thoughts to write it tough.

Short background on my last day or two. DD has decided that she doesn't need teeth in her mouth anymore - what the heck is it with teeth in this house? So, the stupid dentist told her to pull them all out - all the baby teeth - he didn't care. She won't be able to chew and it totally added to the fact that she thinks I'm an idiot and I wanted to punch him in the, in one day she pulled out the first tooth, except wouldn't actually take it out when it was hanging and I reached in and popped it out. Not too dramatic, it came out the first second I pulled...but in her mind, it was torture and once again, I was behind the torture to her little soul.

Being as I was feeling postal this morning, I made attempt number three to get DD's psychiatrist to call me back. This time it worked. His medical partner (not sure what that means) returned my call very quickly. I guess if you tell them your DD is pulling teeth out of her mouth, that gets results. So, I have good news - trumpets blaring - it doesn't happen much on this blog...
HE WAS FABULOUS! He listened, he didn't rush me, he didn't have to run off for an appointment, he got me in on Monday, he gave me a plan and helped me look to the future for what really might happen. I need a bit of a look at the end game here...he told me that I was doing a good job and through the best conversation I've had in a while...I was able to think and come up with some triggers that have been happening for her lately.

First, although DS2 has been a little wonky for a few days, overall his healing is moving forward in a very wonderful turn of events. As he left this morning, he blew a kiss, said he loved me and told me he'd the best he could be today. She hated that...and it made me wonder. Is it harder for these kids to see someone else from their background who isn't struggling like they are? Does it make her react even stronger to structure and love when she see's that he actually responds to it? Does she feel betrayed by him? If so, that is just another layer on her shoulders. I don't know how much more she can carry.

I had to come to terms today with a few rough things. DD may not actually have a positive outcome. I'm not all doom and gloom, but I try to live in the real world. If this is as good as it gets for her - where will that leave her, where will that leave us as a family? Tough spots for sure, but I'd rather have time to reach the answers and feel good about them...well, maybe good isn't the word - but satisfied.

She's in 'mommy school' today. It's pretty quiet around here. I'm relating to a 9 year old with 30 year old problems and I have to remember that I'm trying to reset an age clock that was set by someone else. Man, I'm angry at those people...