Tech and me - not a match

Could I be any less of a techno person? I've started a new blog to go from here and made it private. I'm happy to invite anyone who has asked so far, but I *think* I need your email address? For those of you who are followers here, you would think I could just invite you that way - maybe I can??? So, please email me with your email - or tell me how to do it easier!

Restricting blog access

I'm going to begin to restrict blog access to protect my family from hatefulness. No, there hasn't been much on this site, but I'm ready to start opening up about where we are now - which is a new place. SO...if you'd like to continue to access my blog, please let me know by commenting on this post. I have to invite you by email, so if I don't have your email address - you can also email me with that info at zougirl@comcast.net. At this time I may actually 'start' a new blog that will be different and by invite only and pick up our story.

I don't have to know you personally, but please do let me know a bit about you or how/where you found me.

Thanks! Sorry for the inconvenience, but really do want to tell the majority of you what is going on and have been too scared to do it in open forum.

Why do we cry?

I have not been very good at coming over here and posting lately. I think I'm trying to ignore so much of what's going on...and it's hard to write about it when you are ignoring it.

A few notes of late:
My grandmama is sick and not doing well overall. I'm going to head home to see her - because I absolutely cannot stand the feeling of being this far away. I feel so connected to her and while there are reasons, what I'm feeling now seems somewhat unreasonable. I cry a lot and randomly and she's still here. She hurts and I don't want her to. Anyway, soon I'll spend a few days with her - away from the rest of life and I'll always know I had that time.

DS1 and DD are both doing well. There is a calm here right now, but an underlying stress about DS2...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We are working on solutions for the long term, but it's still hard to think beyond tomorrow. He's safe where he is and seems to be doing well there - although I did find out that he and some other boys broke into the school store last night. It doesn't sound major - but it also doesn't sound like great progress from the things he's done before. I'm just not sure there is some fabulous answer that solves every issue.

I feel as though I'm grieving him lately...it's hard to look at pictures and some of those tears I'm shedding are for him or from him or over him...all mixed up.

2011 is 4 days old

First of all...second semester of DS1's freshman year has just begun and it's time to register him for his sophomore year. I don't know how they really expect us to know what classes he should take. We don't even know what classes he'll do well in this semester. So, the pressure now sits on his 14 year old shoulders to sign up for AP, College ready, Honors and basic classes. I do not remember the stress of these decisions when I was in high school. On his first night back to school he had four hours of homework. Then you read about AP and it tells you over and over that it's a larger homework committment. How is a kid supposed to feel good about committing to more than 4 hours of homework per night? Keeping up with the Joneses has never felt so scary...I hope that pushing him to do his best is not causing him to scrape the bottom. In the end, we will let it be his decision...painful as that may be!

DH spoke to DS2 last night. He was in good spirits and had no real complaints. He seemed very excited that all the new kids were coming in - school classes started there today - and was looking forward to meeting them all. I didn't talk to him. I will say that I'm sick - truly am - and have been basically sleeping for 4 days. But, deep down...I just wasn't ready to talk to him. I want to have positive things to say when I do talk to him. I'm not there yet. Christmas break was again, painful. I can say a million times that I won't get my hopes up, but I do. After they are dashed again...well, it's hard to stay positive.

DD is doing well over all. She continues to sabotage herself in tiny ways. Today she spent the better part of the day worried that she didn't know what two of her spelling words meant. She knew she would have to write sentences tonight and was so worked up before she even got home. I wish she could gain some perspective...but after five years I have to realize, she just may not ever gain that perspective.

DH is fighting with insurance companies over his mom's benefits. It's stressing him out majorly. Life becomes confusing when you have to start caring for the people that used to care for you. Full circle...

I hope that everyone is well and happy in these first few days of the new year! Can't believe it's 2011!!!

2011 moves in

Tomorrow starts a new year...2011 is here. How can that be? It's amazing how fast 2010 flew by. It seems it never even happened...but it did. 2010 wasn't a great year for our family. I'm hoping 2011 will be the turn around.

We took DS2 to his new school a few days ago. It seems like a better fit. Still holding back on total belief in an answer. Just don't want to be disappointed.

They tell us that he settled right in and was joking and enjoying his time. They do understand what that is...they understand that the other will come.

After our trip I cleaned DS2's room. Again...I found things I don't want to find. Lots of untaken pills, lots of chewed up gum stuck in carpet...and a note from a girl at his last school. It was a reminder note that she is his "mommy"...not to worry, she'll always be his mommy. Wow...

I don't even know if he understands what a mom is...but apparently he has one that lives elsewhere.

The "I don't even know what to title this" post

DS2 has been revealing some very interesting stories to us - when I say 'us' I mean sister and brother. He doesn't really talk to DH and I at all...at least not in a way that either of us can understand. We've learned the following in his few days here at home:
1. He was jumped in to a gang while at school this semester. He respects the boys that did it and they are more of a family to him than we ever will be. He feels that gangs are families for life.
2. He climbed up on a steel trash bin and jumped into the arms of one of his 'homies' who was supposed to catch him and the boy pulled back and DS2 hit the ground with his face first. That caused the bruising that we've been asking about since he got home.
3. He hates that people don't believe him and that is why he gets angry. He doesn't think it's wrong to get so mad so fast.
4. He believes that WE choose to pull him out of school. He thinks that everyone at school loved him very much and will be very sad without him there...we are the enemy of him staying with his 'friends' and new 'family'. That is why he isn't going back.

Interestingly, I do believe him - the whole entire story. I believe that his fight at school did have something to do with becoming a member of a gang. I am not saying that he joined the bloods or crypts while at school...but I think they called themselves a gang and I think they taught him about gangs as families. He found somewhere he felt he belonged.

The fact that these same boys used him as a scapegoat for all their misdeeds - the fact that he was, at best, a laughing stock to them - the fact that he was injured at their hands numerous times...none of this plays into his thought process. I asked him what he would have thought if we had jumped him in to our family...his answer??? "That would have been fine because then you would have gone to jail for child abuse". Fun.

DH and I are at odds right now. He believes firmly that it's all lies...that none of this occurred and that DS2 is simply trying to rile us up. I think it's the closest he's ever come to being 'clean' with us. I agree that he is saying it all to rile us up - but I believe firmly that sometimes the truth can do that. Chafe us...pain us...tear us to the bone. I sent my child away for help and he came back slightly more soulless than when he left.

I can't even grieve it all anymore. I'm lost for the next step. He goes to his new school/placement on December 30. We're all going to drive him there and have our good-byes. When we told him about where he's headed, there was no reaction at all. I guess somewhere in the deepest part of my gut, I wanted him to be sad - I wanted to see an iota of hope that he would like to stay here with us.

We are so broken and I'm not able to glue anything together anymore. I feel like he deserves so much more than me as a mother. I feel like I deserve so much more than what is happening to all of us now.

Off topic - my parents came for a long weekend and we had a lovely time. We got along and talked and enjoyed each other...I do miss them very much and I'm so happy that we were able to have that time. It renewed my faith in a million tiny little ways.

Then it led me back to the fact that no matter how old I am - I want my mommy to love me. Almost more than anything. I won't ever have the love of my biological father - he's unable to give that...and I've grown to accept that very crappy little detail. But, I need something to root me as the person I believed I was as I grew up. Having a parent that thinks you are a pretty good person is a gift. I'm sure it will continue to come and go...but for now, I'll take it.

Will my son ever want a mommy who loves him? And, when he finally does...will I be able to?

the final's' bomb

Overwhelmed would describe it right now...my heart mostly is overwhelmed.

Here we are at the crossroads of the exact thing I talk about. Does anyone believe in self-fulfilling prophesy? I was taught about that a lot in church as a child. You should never say something that you don't want to have happen...speak positives and they will come true. I try, really.

One of my biggest fears about raising one (or two depending on the day) troubled child(ren) is the fallout on the other kid(s). It's hard to balance. Even with DS2 not living here right now, there is a constant presence over our home. Of course, I do not want to erase him...

DS1 is struggling right now. It's a big change from anything we've dealt with before. Teen age drama - yes...more than that? I don't know. I remember being his age and thinking that pretty much everything about my family was totally whack. I was sure that I knew a better way and I could do everything better than my parents could do. I think that every teen goes through this time and it's ok if he feels he is smarter and brighter and more wonderful than us in every way.

Here is where I worry...bad grades, wanting to be alone all the time, loss of his sense of humor, grunting, anger, not doing work that is due...sadness in general.

He told me that he doesn't want DS2 to come home. He's worried about what this will do to his break. He is completely self centered right now - it's all about him. Isn't that true of all teens? I pointed out that DS2 will be home and no matter what that can't be changed. We have fun plans for Christmas break...we have family coming into town. We are going to make the best of it no matter what DS2 decides to do with his time home. I don't think he believes me. I don't think he believes we have control over DS2. I don't know that we do.

Things came out that happened over last break that I didn't even know about. At this point, DS2 will have to be on full line of sight. I hate that - but I have to listen to my other two kids...who have both asked to not be alone with him at all.

DS1's math teacher called today. He got a low D on his final. He had worked his butt off. Week one was tough and then he realized it was time to get 'serious'. He went in to school early almost every day to work with her. He studied at home and turned in his work. She wanted to let me know that two weeks ago, it all changed. Since then he hasn't turned in any homework...he didn't do his study guide for his final and that led to the D. His semester grade dropped to a C. He also did poorly on two other finals.

I question whether I should have been more involved with his finals and studying. I offered myself to him in any way I could help and he continued to grunt that he had it under control. I let him be - it's high school and I can't follow him to college, right? He has to figure it out. But, maybe I'm too 'out of his life'. Although he's pushing away, maybe he needs to be drawn in closer?

A lady I work with has a sign that says "parenting is like being pecked to death by chickens". It's funny...and true. It's just the daily loss of tiny pieces of your heart - tiny pieces of your child(ren) drifting off from you. High school is tough. You know (and they know) that the clock is counting down...it's now a matter of 3.5 short years before he leaves. Am I pushing at him as much as he's pushing at me?