My DD is making me sad. For her, for me...for what I hope she can become and maybe won't. Something is amiss at my house. In about 48 hours she has left our house in her pajamas to go 'be homeless' - she's told us about 20 times that she'd just like to go back to Russia or find 'other parents' - she's called names and tried to hurt herself - and to be honest, at this exact moment she is upstairs throwing up...but DH is taking care of it because I don't even know if it's real. What a terrible statement, huh? She went to bed fine, but upset that she had her normal bedtime on a weekend night (we have a very early baseball game) - then suddenly she's throwing up. This is after a week where she was told that if you stick your fingers down your throat, you can make yourself throw up. Is that coincidence? I really don't know. OK, I'm not uncaring...going to check...
So, she did puke, but real or not...still gave her hugs, brushed her teeth and tucked her back in. I did remind her that making yourself throw up can hurt your throat. We'll see...she sure does have a very sad face. Do prison wardens have a test for real and fake puke? I sometimes think that I should go to training for wardens...perhaps a future career choice for me!
I had to keep her home this morning. Yesterday, she cheated on her math homework and lied about it. I erased the answers she had cheated on and did not allow her to do the work over last night. This morning I told her I was sending her to school and she would have to miss recess to complete the work...she smiled and said "that's fine, they'll just do it with me and I won't have to learn it". Whoops - appreciate the truth...but it lost her the privilege of attending school this morning. The whole concept was that if she completed the sheet, I'd take her to school. The power struggle was big for her...not so much for me. She ended up taking 3.5 hours to complete a worksheet with 12 questions. She cried, pulled out drawers in her dressers, cried some more, begged for help and rinse and repeat. I offered her help - and helped her - but when she would drag out the drama and lies and pretending...I stopped. This went on for a long time. She finally finished and I believe she knew how to do it...actually do it. I took her to school and stopped to chat with friends. When think I've hit the bottom of embarrassment, I find there is a new level. I'm not shy in talking about it. Since DD (and even DS2) have tried to report on me...I feel that being honest helps me in many ways. Today a teacher was chatting with me and she mentioned that she was sad because we had worked so hard to bring them home and she remembered how excited we were during the process. Yes, we were. I don't remember that very much. I also know the truth.
The people that I hope will listen to my story won't. If you are in process to adopt a child, you don't want to admit that it may not be a good outcome. You can't allow yourself to know that things aren't always perfect. And, the dilema is this: I don't want people to run away from adopting older children. These children both need and deserve homes and people who can love them. BUT, I don't like how uneducated it seems many people are. I still remember the class that DH and I sat through on attachment. It was scary and as we left, we laughed it off and thought about all the poor suckers who ended up like that. Perhaps, karma, right? So, as I looked at this caring woman, offering me her support and maybe her sorrow, I also realized that I have to remember that there was joy in this.
Tonight, we had pizza after baseball. I must say that it was joyful because we laughed. We joked, we had a meal of normal. It's the best thing I've ever eaten! (DD might now agree...poor baby...I've decided to believe that she is really sick and that pizza is the bad guy...)
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I absolutely agree with you about the attachment seminars, we did the same. These are the things that you think (hope) happen to someone else. I don't think anyone can prepare you for the issues older children have because they are all so different. One family can cope with something much worse than another one can. We lived through a nightmare with our son and had to disrupt because our whole family was being destroyed. I read about other families that seem to be able to cope much better than we could and it makes me sad that things turned out the way that they did. However, all of us are now in a much better place and we have to hope that we did the best thing for the whole family. Sometimes there is just no light at the end of the tunnel and you have to look for another tunnel to get through. I hope things get better for you. Celebrate the good days and try to forget the bad. At least you have the support of your school, ours was one of our major problems.
ReplyDeleteAs we've talked about before, one of the main reasons we've blogged and been very active in online communities is because we found so many folks "out there" were missing, literally, any evidence that things are not always "rosy" once the kids are home for good. (no matter what the age of adoption, but obviously for us, that also meant older) To this day, I still see folks saying out loud things like, "Just love them and they will be fine." 'Drives me bananas 'cause that's just not reality! Even with bios, for that matter.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for your openness and honesty. Even if it only benefits ONE family by helping them understand that they must prepare for almost anything, it will have been a successful endeavor.