all the small things

I cleaned out my file cabinet yesterday. Another one of those days where my OCD wins. I was busy all day - doing things that may have or may not have needed to get done. Still in my pj's when DH got home...that's always a good sign. But, I was happy - no depression to go along with this strange fit of cleanliness. Anyway, there is a point.
As I was cleaning out the file cabinet I came across the file I've lovingly name "My Nemisis" - otherwise known as RAD. I actually sat down and read through some articles that I'd been given over the last couple of years and renewed my hope in being able to do this thing. However, I also ran across all the emails I've sent to random people begging for help - outlining what was going on with my son or daughter and why I needed support (from the school...from therapists...from friends) - and the sad part is that most of what I wrote about in 2007 is still going on. I guess I keep hoping for healing and really - it may not happen. One of the articles said to raise them as though it won't happen...and not be emotionally invested in healing. It's wasted emotion. Yes...I know it. But, it still stinks. So, last night was a great parenting night at my house...let's see if I can hold that pattern!

On my weight loss front (which is a BIG reason I am happy right now) - I'm .5 pounds from hitting 30 pounds lost. I could not be more proud of myself for sticking with it. Now that I've seen a huge change - it's easier to be motivated. I like going to the gym - heck, maybe even love it. It's one hour of my day that is totally for me...no one else. When I weighed in this week I almost cried. I didn't have to bend my head forward to see the numbers - I could look straight down...past my stomach and see them. OMG. Strange to get excited about such a thing...but in three months - I feel like I've turned SOMETHING around. It's for me.

DS2 has decided to not run track this summer. That is upsetting because he is so stinkin' good. I so want him to want it...to want to feel the rush of being great at something...to have passion about something that can give him a feeling of worth. But, again - that's me wanting for him...not him wanting. So, we let it go. However, being physically active is not optional in this house - so we let him know that we'd be picking an activity for him...and we have. He's doing a training class for tri-athlons. Biking, running and swimming. All things he likes in small doses. The training is 6 weeks - 2 times a week and then he actually participates in our community tri. (they do 4 every summer)...so since he's turning 12 - he's in the adult category...that means biking 9.7 miles, running 3.1 miles and swimming 500 meters. Yes, I told him. We made it clear that this is NOT about winning...it's about doing the best you think you can and then doing better than you think you can. It might take him 8 hours - I don't know...but he needs to complete it. We'll see...I don't expect he'll be happy about it (although he took the news well)!

DD has gotten stuck on wanting to join the cheer team again. You may remember that we took her off the competitive team 2 years ago because we found out that she was hiding in the bathroom during practice...lying about injuries, etc. Too much time committment and money for her to screw around. She still tumbles and now she's in a dance class. Well, last night she wrote us a letter. A small excerpt:
"I just have one wish I want to tell you. I want to be a cheerleader. I want to be the girl who is pretty and has a lot of friends on the cheer squad. I want to be a flyer too. Except, right now, I'm just a girl who is good at the stuff for cheerleading, but wishes she could join a squad."

That's more honesty than we've ever really gotten - and the fact that she wrote it instead of asking us every 10 minutes is a big step (although she did ask us numerous times if we read it). We told her it's under parental advisement. Tryouts are in March...so a bit of time - thankfully. I want to make her wish come true - but I don't want to sign up for yet another bummer situation!