You know, my DD does not often act like a kid. She can't really simply let go of her anxiety and control and relax. I must say, she did last night (to a point...but big for her). We attended the bull riding competition and she was silly. She danced to the music and cheered loudly for the bull riders. She was paying attention to things that kids pay attention to - the men on horses, the fireworks...and actually enjoying them! It was a really lovely thing to see. She sat on my lap willingly in between events and told me once (totally spontaneous) "I'm having fun and I love you mom"
It was so worth the price of admission!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
stupid is as stupid does
Therapy was yesterday...just a full day of fun. My therapy in the morning and the kids (and mine again) in the afternoon. Seriously, how can one person be taking all the fun away from everyone else? I'm trying to find a way to share all this...
I found out in therapy that I've jumped a bit of a hurdle. I'm sounding and really, feeling, ok with what my life is now. May seem strange - but really, it's my life and there's no use walking around feeling bad for myself. I look to the future and don't see all good, but see all things that I'll handle. I do still have those moments of emotion and wanting, wishing, praying for a normal minute, hour, day, week, month, year - heck, a normal life - but overall, I'm satisfied with what it means to be me.
Therapy for the kids is sometimes hard for me to witness. You know, he's right, they need to be confronted with the truth from someone who isn't me. He can actually be a little more compassionate sometimes, however there is pretty much all straight talk. You know, they can't take him in and make him their puppet - that stinks for them. They aren't happy about it at all - especially DD. She says it's because we have to "drive forever" to get there - it's really 45 minutes...but I know the truth and so does he. Dealing with those nasty feelings is not a fun thing for her. I had mentioned the fact that she seems to "play dumb" a lot...you know, trying to get me into arguments and exasperating circular situations where nobody wins. While he was talking to her he used this anology:
If I wake up one morning and act like a chicken and keep doing that for a while, I'll eventually become a chicken. Not in body, but in spirit and I'll forget how to be a human. It's the same with playing stupid...if you wake up every morning and pretend to be stupid, you eventually become stupid.
She is/was a smart girl - I can see the smart in her. I'm not talking book smarts here - life smarts...knowing when and how to use her words, when and how to show emotions...I know it's in there, but she's masking it big time. She's becoming what she pretends to be. It scared me. I don't know if it got to her or not. Really, could she forget how to be smart? Could she convince herself totally that she's stupid and unable to carry on normal daily interactions? I wonder now. If you become a chicken, can you ever learn take off your feathers?
DS2 is dealing with his past trauma. Another enlightening moment came when they discussed his last day of seeing his mother. In DS2s memory (which I believe to be true), that day was very chaotic. There was no order, no common sense in how the day progressed. The last time he saw his mother was when she handed him a glass of water. Through a window, after he had escaped his house...you can see that this is not a normal day in the life of anyone you know. He was picked up by the police - he doesn't know who called them - he never got to go back in his home after that glass of water. Never. That chaos still feels very real to him...he likes to create it as it has become a comfort to him. A situation that could be very low key - becomes chaotic under his control. Whatever that means at that time. He continued to say that he lies and acts out of character to keep from getting in "big trouble". The discussion of what big trouble means - here at home versus in his old life was a deep one. What is big trouble here? I suppose he probably knows that it could mean that our family could not continue to raise him day -to-day...but that is not what he discussed - big trouble is being grounded, losing Xbox, losing other privileges. When you think about that as big trouble - it does seem pathetic somewhat. I wouldn't change what constitutes big trouble at our house, but it is interesting to think about the difference between being beat by a shoe (in his orphanage) versus losing Xbox for a week. Why is his reaction to my consequences so volatile?
We are starting two new things today. He is helping me deal with the little behavioral things as well as the big ones. Perhaps getting control over day to day interactions can relax what become larger issues. So our two problems to tackle are mumbling and stupid questions/comments.
For mumbling - whenever anyone does it, we will simply say "could you write that down?". Will they always write what they actually said? Probably not...but I know I won't miss anything important and hopefully we can create more conversation from that starting point. Trust me when I say that having to ask your child "what", "excuse me", "I didn't hear you" a thousand times a day can, in fact, become a HUGE power struggle. I started last night and both DS2 and DD had to write a few things. For five minutes afterward, they would really speak clearly and plenty loud to be heard. We'll see how it continues to go.
Wrestling point 2 is the harder one - we have a LOT of stupid questions/comments. I am not just talking about a kid saying "I like to fart". Yes, stupid...but not the level we are at. I'm talking about a child saying "Hey Mom, when is my birthday?" right after I heard them say "I'll be XX years old on this day" and knowing their birthday. The biggest one is when I tell them something (If we go to Washington D.C., we'll visit our family in Virginia, they are right beside each other) and I get this question "I wonder where Virginia is in the country?" Again, it may not sound like a big deal, but I could spend all day dealing with that. So, they each get 3 stupid question chips. If they choose to ask a stupid question or make a stupid comment - they have to trade in a chip. If they use/lose all their chips that day, they may not ask anymore questions - but they may write them down. They will not choose to write down the stupid stuff is the point. We tried a similar experiment with DD earlier - just to stope the constant noise. She makes "alien noises" when she has nothing to say, because the quiet kills her. So, she had to turn in a chip every time she was caught making "noise"...I couldn't believe how often it was really happening. I must say that the alien noises have gone nearly away - although still present during her shower!
We are heading to a rodeo tonight and I'm hoping they'll enjoy seeing it all - something new for the two youngest for sure and something to drag the oldest to - although he didn't seem too bothered about it (only worried about getting homework done...oh, isn't he the studious one?). If things are bad, I'll sign up to ride a bull and maybe get a vacation to the hospital (where no one under 18 can visit!!!).
I found out in therapy that I've jumped a bit of a hurdle. I'm sounding and really, feeling, ok with what my life is now. May seem strange - but really, it's my life and there's no use walking around feeling bad for myself. I look to the future and don't see all good, but see all things that I'll handle. I do still have those moments of emotion and wanting, wishing, praying for a normal minute, hour, day, week, month, year - heck, a normal life - but overall, I'm satisfied with what it means to be me.
Therapy for the kids is sometimes hard for me to witness. You know, he's right, they need to be confronted with the truth from someone who isn't me. He can actually be a little more compassionate sometimes, however there is pretty much all straight talk. You know, they can't take him in and make him their puppet - that stinks for them. They aren't happy about it at all - especially DD. She says it's because we have to "drive forever" to get there - it's really 45 minutes...but I know the truth and so does he. Dealing with those nasty feelings is not a fun thing for her. I had mentioned the fact that she seems to "play dumb" a lot...you know, trying to get me into arguments and exasperating circular situations where nobody wins. While he was talking to her he used this anology:
If I wake up one morning and act like a chicken and keep doing that for a while, I'll eventually become a chicken. Not in body, but in spirit and I'll forget how to be a human. It's the same with playing stupid...if you wake up every morning and pretend to be stupid, you eventually become stupid.
She is/was a smart girl - I can see the smart in her. I'm not talking book smarts here - life smarts...knowing when and how to use her words, when and how to show emotions...I know it's in there, but she's masking it big time. She's becoming what she pretends to be. It scared me. I don't know if it got to her or not. Really, could she forget how to be smart? Could she convince herself totally that she's stupid and unable to carry on normal daily interactions? I wonder now. If you become a chicken, can you ever learn take off your feathers?
DS2 is dealing with his past trauma. Another enlightening moment came when they discussed his last day of seeing his mother. In DS2s memory (which I believe to be true), that day was very chaotic. There was no order, no common sense in how the day progressed. The last time he saw his mother was when she handed him a glass of water. Through a window, after he had escaped his house...you can see that this is not a normal day in the life of anyone you know. He was picked up by the police - he doesn't know who called them - he never got to go back in his home after that glass of water. Never. That chaos still feels very real to him...he likes to create it as it has become a comfort to him. A situation that could be very low key - becomes chaotic under his control. Whatever that means at that time. He continued to say that he lies and acts out of character to keep from getting in "big trouble". The discussion of what big trouble means - here at home versus in his old life was a deep one. What is big trouble here? I suppose he probably knows that it could mean that our family could not continue to raise him day -to-day...but that is not what he discussed - big trouble is being grounded, losing Xbox, losing other privileges. When you think about that as big trouble - it does seem pathetic somewhat. I wouldn't change what constitutes big trouble at our house, but it is interesting to think about the difference between being beat by a shoe (in his orphanage) versus losing Xbox for a week. Why is his reaction to my consequences so volatile?
We are starting two new things today. He is helping me deal with the little behavioral things as well as the big ones. Perhaps getting control over day to day interactions can relax what become larger issues. So our two problems to tackle are mumbling and stupid questions/comments.
For mumbling - whenever anyone does it, we will simply say "could you write that down?". Will they always write what they actually said? Probably not...but I know I won't miss anything important and hopefully we can create more conversation from that starting point. Trust me when I say that having to ask your child "what", "excuse me", "I didn't hear you" a thousand times a day can, in fact, become a HUGE power struggle. I started last night and both DS2 and DD had to write a few things. For five minutes afterward, they would really speak clearly and plenty loud to be heard. We'll see how it continues to go.
Wrestling point 2 is the harder one - we have a LOT of stupid questions/comments. I am not just talking about a kid saying "I like to fart". Yes, stupid...but not the level we are at. I'm talking about a child saying "Hey Mom, when is my birthday?" right after I heard them say "I'll be XX years old on this day" and knowing their birthday. The biggest one is when I tell them something (If we go to Washington D.C., we'll visit our family in Virginia, they are right beside each other) and I get this question "I wonder where Virginia is in the country?" Again, it may not sound like a big deal, but I could spend all day dealing with that. So, they each get 3 stupid question chips. If they choose to ask a stupid question or make a stupid comment - they have to trade in a chip. If they use/lose all their chips that day, they may not ask anymore questions - but they may write them down. They will not choose to write down the stupid stuff is the point. We tried a similar experiment with DD earlier - just to stope the constant noise. She makes "alien noises" when she has nothing to say, because the quiet kills her. So, she had to turn in a chip every time she was caught making "noise"...I couldn't believe how often it was really happening. I must say that the alien noises have gone nearly away - although still present during her shower!
We are heading to a rodeo tonight and I'm hoping they'll enjoy seeing it all - something new for the two youngest for sure and something to drag the oldest to - although he didn't seem too bothered about it (only worried about getting homework done...oh, isn't he the studious one?). If things are bad, I'll sign up to ride a bull and maybe get a vacation to the hospital (where no one under 18 can visit!!!).
Monday, January 12, 2009
Home beautiful
I'm having fun! We decided to not go on spring break vacation this year and use the money toward some things we want to do in the house. We always think about moving - I want bigger bedrooms for the kids, another bathroom, etc. But, our house is really just fine and I can't stomach the idea of a larger mortgage payment (although the real estate deals around here are crazy good...how would we ever sell our house?). So, I'm having fun getting some things done that I've been wanting to do for some time. I will readily admit that I am constantly changing little things around here...what vase is on which table and what picture hangs on what wall (drives DH crazy...all the patched holes)...however, I'm cheap. Honestly, I am. I can't stand paying full price for anything and I will not make any remotely big purchase without DH totally approving. So, the other day he says - "why don't you go ahead and get whatever you've been wanting for the foyer". AAAAAHHHHHHH...a free shopping pass. I don't think he realized it - but I went right out that day and spent three hours at the huge furniture warehouse. Really had a blast - no one rushing me and I found great stuff at prices that I felt were quite fair. I hauled it home myself and even moved it in (with the use of a skateboard and looked like a fool, I'm sure) and set it all up. I lit the candles before he got home and took him in the front room to impress him and he said "what am I looking at?"! Men...there's a new dresser thingy, new vases, new art on the walls, new nesting tables...more new vases...only like 10 things. Oh well...he admits now that it looks very nice!
The new stuff I'm ready to do (in leiu of our trip) is to re-paint the kitchen and family room (maybe laundry room), have new curtains made for the living room (I've decided to jump in and do the curtains all the way to the ceiling - 22 feet) and maybe even new flooring for the house. Right now I have huge swatches of different paints all over my kitchen, which DH shot down this morning. I'm getting quotes tomorrow and wanting to go out and get more paint samples today - but it finally decided to snow and apparently, I shouldn't go out. I guess I'm not a real good driver!
We also got a new computer yesterday. Now, I had kept my old computer for EIGHT years...same printer too. The guy couldn't believe it had lasted that long...but it was breaking down for sure. It will be the kids computer now if I could ever figure out how to get it to work on the wireless network. I guess I'll be paying someone to do that...crud (my cheap gene kicks in again)!
I think it could be a "negative" that I have such a high off working on the house - but lately, I've needed something to make me this stoked. If that's all it takes, perhaps I'll remodel something once a week (ok, I would like to stay married, so this will not be happening). Everytime I see my psych for a med eval, he asks if I've been shopping excessively - obviously a big thing for bi-polar folks. Will I have to say yes this time?
The kids are good...we always have trouble getting DS1 out of the house on time on Mondays. He's really hit the sleep in phase (hey, I'd like to sleep in too, but if I don't get him up, he won't wake up)...so he flew out the door this morning without brushing his teeth - YUCK! DS2 would not wear his snow boots and has on cloth tennis shoes in the very sloppy snowy rain. I held my tongue and wet feet won't kill him - although perhaps he'll decide I'm not stupid since I did tell him snowboots would be a wise choice! He'll never admit it. DD spent breakfast telling me a lovely story about dog puke and her bare feet - must admit I tuned out at some point.
The new stuff I'm ready to do (in leiu of our trip) is to re-paint the kitchen and family room (maybe laundry room), have new curtains made for the living room (I've decided to jump in and do the curtains all the way to the ceiling - 22 feet) and maybe even new flooring for the house. Right now I have huge swatches of different paints all over my kitchen, which DH shot down this morning. I'm getting quotes tomorrow and wanting to go out and get more paint samples today - but it finally decided to snow and apparently, I shouldn't go out. I guess I'm not a real good driver!
We also got a new computer yesterday. Now, I had kept my old computer for EIGHT years...same printer too. The guy couldn't believe it had lasted that long...but it was breaking down for sure. It will be the kids computer now if I could ever figure out how to get it to work on the wireless network. I guess I'll be paying someone to do that...crud (my cheap gene kicks in again)!
I think it could be a "negative" that I have such a high off working on the house - but lately, I've needed something to make me this stoked. If that's all it takes, perhaps I'll remodel something once a week (ok, I would like to stay married, so this will not be happening). Everytime I see my psych for a med eval, he asks if I've been shopping excessively - obviously a big thing for bi-polar folks. Will I have to say yes this time?
The kids are good...we always have trouble getting DS1 out of the house on time on Mondays. He's really hit the sleep in phase (hey, I'd like to sleep in too, but if I don't get him up, he won't wake up)...so he flew out the door this morning without brushing his teeth - YUCK! DS2 would not wear his snow boots and has on cloth tennis shoes in the very sloppy snowy rain. I held my tongue and wet feet won't kill him - although perhaps he'll decide I'm not stupid since I did tell him snowboots would be a wise choice! He'll never admit it. DD spent breakfast telling me a lovely story about dog puke and her bare feet - must admit I tuned out at some point.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
random thoughts
Life has been pretty good these last few days. The medications seems to really be helping since DS2 has had 6 GREAT days. Still tries to annoy me, but it's very minor in comparison to our bad days. However, DD is still on full red flag alert and yucky to be around! DS1 - well, he's 12 and his friends are 13 and therefore he is acting like a teenager!
Random thoughts and happenings:
1. DS1 got in the car on Friday in a snit. Didn't know what it was about (neither did he). He wanted some picture to be his phone wallpaper and couldn't get it to work - heaven forbid, I figured it out and that made him even madder. (I'm supposed to be a dork who can't do those things)...
2. Fast forward to that evening - he was out with friends (what kind of mom lets a nasty pre-teen go hang out with friends...a VERY TIRED one) and he called to apologize. Nothing else...he didn't ask permission to do something, didn't realize that he had forgotten to tell me something...nope, just apologize and sound remorseful. I even got hugs without request that night when he got home. Maybe I'm not doing it all wrong!
3. DS1 wants a facebook account. When asked what he would do with it, his answer was "tell other people I have one". So...I'm thinking he doesn't even know what it is. At the mention that we don't feel good about that right now, he's being polite...but we are back to being "losers", oh well, I should get used to it there!
4. DS2 is finding his one last stand of misbehavior is to try to mess up his schedule and "forget" what time it is: as in "oh, I'm supposed to take my shower 15 minutes ago???" It's a small price to pay for the other great behavior and we charge 5 minutes off early to bed for each reminder that we have to give. So, he's been going to bed about 10 minutes early.
5. DS2 has NOT had any other consequences for SIX days. You heard me - SIX days...I'm seeing the greatness in this. He's noticing it too...he got an A+ in behavior at school the other day - first time ever. Teacher says he's helpful and kind and seems to be paying better attention - he brought home an A- on his math test and homework has not been a fight with him in a few weeks!!!
6. DD is the most anxiety ridden child. She just worries about anything that crosses her plate. She's so proud when she can tell us about the miniscule fact she remembered from 6 weeks ago that she is worrying about today. Like it's a contest or something. Her results are not positive from us...but she gets some kind of personal reward. I'm counting down to her seeing the psychiatrist - I'm praying for some anxiety meds. I can't imagine living like she does everyday!
7. DD is quite upset that DS2 is being good. Him getting positive kudos from us kills her. I don't mix his good with her bad (like I don't talk about it at the same time)...but I also don't make up good stuff to say about her. Yesterday, I was telling DH in the car about something that had happened with DS2 - a good decision he made that morning. DD says "oh he's so great and I stink...I can't do anything right". WWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! None of us said anything - later I spoke directly to her quietly and said "you can do things right and good and you simply choose not to. If you want me to tell Daddy about great things you do, then do some!" She was quiet for awhile!
8. My kids are playing nicely together more often. Enough said...
Random thoughts and happenings:
1. DS1 got in the car on Friday in a snit. Didn't know what it was about (neither did he). He wanted some picture to be his phone wallpaper and couldn't get it to work - heaven forbid, I figured it out and that made him even madder. (I'm supposed to be a dork who can't do those things)...
2. Fast forward to that evening - he was out with friends (what kind of mom lets a nasty pre-teen go hang out with friends...a VERY TIRED one) and he called to apologize. Nothing else...he didn't ask permission to do something, didn't realize that he had forgotten to tell me something...nope, just apologize and sound remorseful. I even got hugs without request that night when he got home. Maybe I'm not doing it all wrong!
3. DS1 wants a facebook account. When asked what he would do with it, his answer was "tell other people I have one". So...I'm thinking he doesn't even know what it is. At the mention that we don't feel good about that right now, he's being polite...but we are back to being "losers", oh well, I should get used to it there!
4. DS2 is finding his one last stand of misbehavior is to try to mess up his schedule and "forget" what time it is: as in "oh, I'm supposed to take my shower 15 minutes ago???" It's a small price to pay for the other great behavior and we charge 5 minutes off early to bed for each reminder that we have to give. So, he's been going to bed about 10 minutes early.
5. DS2 has NOT had any other consequences for SIX days. You heard me - SIX days...I'm seeing the greatness in this. He's noticing it too...he got an A+ in behavior at school the other day - first time ever. Teacher says he's helpful and kind and seems to be paying better attention - he brought home an A- on his math test and homework has not been a fight with him in a few weeks!!!
6. DD is the most anxiety ridden child. She just worries about anything that crosses her plate. She's so proud when she can tell us about the miniscule fact she remembered from 6 weeks ago that she is worrying about today. Like it's a contest or something. Her results are not positive from us...but she gets some kind of personal reward. I'm counting down to her seeing the psychiatrist - I'm praying for some anxiety meds. I can't imagine living like she does everyday!
7. DD is quite upset that DS2 is being good. Him getting positive kudos from us kills her. I don't mix his good with her bad (like I don't talk about it at the same time)...but I also don't make up good stuff to say about her. Yesterday, I was telling DH in the car about something that had happened with DS2 - a good decision he made that morning. DD says "oh he's so great and I stink...I can't do anything right". WWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! None of us said anything - later I spoke directly to her quietly and said "you can do things right and good and you simply choose not to. If you want me to tell Daddy about great things you do, then do some!" She was quiet for awhile!
8. My kids are playing nicely together more often. Enough said...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
The mother quandry
A wonderful friend sent me a book about motherhood and that very uneasy relationship that can sometimes form as a child becomes an adult. Here is a quote that I'm really pondering:
"Woman who are mothers are judged more by their parenting "successes" or "failures" than by any other area of their lives, and are held much more accountable for them than father are: for mothers, everything, it sometimes seems, is riding on how the kids turn out."
I'm trying to read it both as a mother and as a daughter. I realize that those successes and failures can only be measured by our internal meter. I mean, if you as a person value religion very highly, than having a child that doesn't follow that religion would seem like a failure on your part. I, for one, value education at the tip top of my list. So, when my children reject doing well in school or simply don't care - it's a failure to me. What I count in that arena as failure, I believe others would count as great successes (meaning for some parents and kids a C would be great and the parent would be pleased and proud - that would not be the case in my house). While I try desperately to separate what I hold dear and what my children set as priorities - that is a double edged sword and I seem to be cut by it a lot.
I'm saddened in some ways that as a daughter, I have not completed the dreams I know my mother had for me. Then I realize (now that I'm a mother) that she must be saddened as well. I hope that all mothers can find a reason to be proud of thier children as adults. That is my greatest hope for myself. I know people who have had children (mostly in the AD world) totally walk away from the straight path that was offered to them. I don't blame the mother (or father) at all - but, perhaps this is because I know these people and I'm walking in their shoes. I have wondered how my friends and family would react if one of my children fails in society's view. If there is jail time (I'm certainly not saying that is where we are headed - I'm thinking positive for now) - but would I be shunned for that by the general public? I believe that I would be. While we all have differing beliefs, there are some that are pretty much society wide. You should work and create a life for yourself and if you don't - didn't your parents do something wrong? Isn't your mother to blame?
Being a stay-at-home mom may play into this. I really don't have a measurement tool for myself outside my children and my home. Those are my responsibilities and I'm not making light of that. It's the most important thing to me to do the best I can do by my family. At this time, that is a full time job. But, I wonder if I had an outside job, would I view myself in a less harsh light? Needless to say, I'm not at the top of my game as a parent. DS2 has had 3 really good days...yet, I found myself playing that down while I should be reveling in it. Three in a row is very rare around here. At the same time, DD is falling apart. They are both seeing a child psychiatrist in February and I am going in with my guns blazing and truth on my side. I have made the mental decision that I will get them help no matter in what form. Yes, medicating them is hard for me, but if that is what's, perhaps, going to give them a better chance - then I'm doing it! I watched DS2 take his meds today and I didn't feel like making him throw up (ha)...
So, for all you mothers out there - may you feel blessed today in whatever you do...may you realize that while your children are a great ruler for your life, they are not the only one and you are doing all you can I'm sure (and may I remember that too)!
"Woman who are mothers are judged more by their parenting "successes" or "failures" than by any other area of their lives, and are held much more accountable for them than father are: for mothers, everything, it sometimes seems, is riding on how the kids turn out."
I'm trying to read it both as a mother and as a daughter. I realize that those successes and failures can only be measured by our internal meter. I mean, if you as a person value religion very highly, than having a child that doesn't follow that religion would seem like a failure on your part. I, for one, value education at the tip top of my list. So, when my children reject doing well in school or simply don't care - it's a failure to me. What I count in that arena as failure, I believe others would count as great successes (meaning for some parents and kids a C would be great and the parent would be pleased and proud - that would not be the case in my house). While I try desperately to separate what I hold dear and what my children set as priorities - that is a double edged sword and I seem to be cut by it a lot.
I'm saddened in some ways that as a daughter, I have not completed the dreams I know my mother had for me. Then I realize (now that I'm a mother) that she must be saddened as well. I hope that all mothers can find a reason to be proud of thier children as adults. That is my greatest hope for myself. I know people who have had children (mostly in the AD world) totally walk away from the straight path that was offered to them. I don't blame the mother (or father) at all - but, perhaps this is because I know these people and I'm walking in their shoes. I have wondered how my friends and family would react if one of my children fails in society's view. If there is jail time (I'm certainly not saying that is where we are headed - I'm thinking positive for now) - but would I be shunned for that by the general public? I believe that I would be. While we all have differing beliefs, there are some that are pretty much society wide. You should work and create a life for yourself and if you don't - didn't your parents do something wrong? Isn't your mother to blame?
Being a stay-at-home mom may play into this. I really don't have a measurement tool for myself outside my children and my home. Those are my responsibilities and I'm not making light of that. It's the most important thing to me to do the best I can do by my family. At this time, that is a full time job. But, I wonder if I had an outside job, would I view myself in a less harsh light? Needless to say, I'm not at the top of my game as a parent. DS2 has had 3 really good days...yet, I found myself playing that down while I should be reveling in it. Three in a row is very rare around here. At the same time, DD is falling apart. They are both seeing a child psychiatrist in February and I am going in with my guns blazing and truth on my side. I have made the mental decision that I will get them help no matter in what form. Yes, medicating them is hard for me, but if that is what's, perhaps, going to give them a better chance - then I'm doing it! I watched DS2 take his meds today and I didn't feel like making him throw up (ha)...
So, for all you mothers out there - may you feel blessed today in whatever you do...may you realize that while your children are a great ruler for your life, they are not the only one and you are doing all you can I'm sure (and may I remember that too)!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
School holiday (for me)
Tomorrow the kids go back to school! The angels in heaven are singing the chorus right now. I think it's a good time for this to be happening...we are all getting sick of each other. I have exactly NOTHING planned and that makes me happy!
We did get to see the doc on Saturday. It was just our pediatrician and can I just say that having a good ped is a lifesaver. He listened to my crazy talk, all that's going on and the fact that we are in the final stages of knowing what to do. He commented on which things could be related to attention issues and how everything obviously ties in attachment. As soon as I said that we are dealing with attachment issues with both kids, he looked so kind and gentle. He did all he could, which was to start DS2 on Concerta for the ADD issues (I would not say he has hyperactivity issues). I'm hoping this helps at school especially as I don't want him to slip right back into his very negative behavior there. It's only day 2...and today was a really good day for him. I'm sure it's not because of the med, but I just feel happy that we ended on a high note. DS1 and DS2 played together - yes, actually played - and I was happy to see DS1 being a kid (it's so tough to do that when you want to be "cool" all the time) and DS2 getting attention from a person he really does seem to idolize a bit. They argue so much that the last two days of relative peace have been strange in the most amazing way.
Now, DD is a different story. She is very bossy in play and the boys simply didn't allow her to play. I can't force them to include her all the time, because she honestly isn't fun to play with. They did acquiesce today and let her play for about 2 hours. We watched a movie tonight - and since DS2 and DD are grounded from plug-in time right now...they were very pleased with that choice! DD has just seemed lost for a few days. She really pushes - but as I've said before, at my house if one is having a good day, the other falls apart. So, bedtime is fast approaching and the end of this holiday break. I really do think that we all continue to work towards the final goal. While we aren't where I want to be right now - I'm still hopeful!
We did get to see the doc on Saturday. It was just our pediatrician and can I just say that having a good ped is a lifesaver. He listened to my crazy talk, all that's going on and the fact that we are in the final stages of knowing what to do. He commented on which things could be related to attention issues and how everything obviously ties in attachment. As soon as I said that we are dealing with attachment issues with both kids, he looked so kind and gentle. He did all he could, which was to start DS2 on Concerta for the ADD issues (I would not say he has hyperactivity issues). I'm hoping this helps at school especially as I don't want him to slip right back into his very negative behavior there. It's only day 2...and today was a really good day for him. I'm sure it's not because of the med, but I just feel happy that we ended on a high note. DS1 and DS2 played together - yes, actually played - and I was happy to see DS1 being a kid (it's so tough to do that when you want to be "cool" all the time) and DS2 getting attention from a person he really does seem to idolize a bit. They argue so much that the last two days of relative peace have been strange in the most amazing way.
Now, DD is a different story. She is very bossy in play and the boys simply didn't allow her to play. I can't force them to include her all the time, because she honestly isn't fun to play with. They did acquiesce today and let her play for about 2 hours. We watched a movie tonight - and since DS2 and DD are grounded from plug-in time right now...they were very pleased with that choice! DD has just seemed lost for a few days. She really pushes - but as I've said before, at my house if one is having a good day, the other falls apart. So, bedtime is fast approaching and the end of this holiday break. I really do think that we all continue to work towards the final goal. While we aren't where I want to be right now - I'm still hopeful!
Friday, January 2, 2009
The best of times...or the worst.
We get to see the doctor tomorrow, we get to see the doctor tomorrow (sang to some corny Broadway tune). I hope we really do see him and he really does listen and get us on the right track. Another screw up by DS2 yesterday - just as we were letting his leash out a tiny bit. UUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I will say that while running errands today he was an angel - not touching siblings (can't say that for the other two) and stayed right with me. He APOLOGIZED for lying and not following directions yesterday - that is huge for him. He seemed to actually be sorry, like I could see emotion in his eyes. I gave a big hug for that and actually felt ok hugging him. That sounds so sad, huh?
DD has been a bright spot lately. I can see changes in her that I wasn't expecting to happen so quickly. Oh my, she's still my little drama queen and lies like it's normal...but in other ways, I am seeing connections. She reaches out for me more (like multiple times a day), she uses her words in actual conversations instead of blurting out some silly stuff to simply attract attention. She had a sleep over at her friend's house last night. I hate, hate, hate the talk I have to have with the parent(s) before she can really be at someone's house. Although I'm feeling much better about being open now...it's still hard to say "my DD has some struggles and may tell you things that aren't true about me". Yuck...and add to that the fact that I never know if they really understand the importance of what I'm saying. I refuse to be happy with the fact that DCS could show up on my doorstep because my DD thinks a story about Mom using pliers on her skin is funny. I called this morning to check on pick up time and DD answered the phone. Huh??? Why would my DD be answering their phone? She was confused (her word) because the dad said "will one of the girls get the phone?" - I explained that he meant one of HIS girls and she is NOT his girl. She honestly looked confused by that. My DD still thinks that she just might be living somewhere/anywhere else at any moment. So, like I said - steps forward, jump on the slide backwards!
College football is saving me right now. I love it and will watch any game and so many are on and when I'm stressed I just sit down and watch. Maybe I'm not getting as much done as I should, but I feel happy when I'm watching...worth something!!!
DD has been a bright spot lately. I can see changes in her that I wasn't expecting to happen so quickly. Oh my, she's still my little drama queen and lies like it's normal...but in other ways, I am seeing connections. She reaches out for me more (like multiple times a day), she uses her words in actual conversations instead of blurting out some silly stuff to simply attract attention. She had a sleep over at her friend's house last night. I hate, hate, hate the talk I have to have with the parent(s) before she can really be at someone's house. Although I'm feeling much better about being open now...it's still hard to say "my DD has some struggles and may tell you things that aren't true about me". Yuck...and add to that the fact that I never know if they really understand the importance of what I'm saying. I refuse to be happy with the fact that DCS could show up on my doorstep because my DD thinks a story about Mom using pliers on her skin is funny. I called this morning to check on pick up time and DD answered the phone. Huh??? Why would my DD be answering their phone? She was confused (her word) because the dad said "will one of the girls get the phone?" - I explained that he meant one of HIS girls and she is NOT his girl. She honestly looked confused by that. My DD still thinks that she just might be living somewhere/anywhere else at any moment. So, like I said - steps forward, jump on the slide backwards!
College football is saving me right now. I love it and will watch any game and so many are on and when I'm stressed I just sit down and watch. Maybe I'm not getting as much done as I should, but I feel happy when I'm watching...worth something!!!
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