who thought this was a good idea?

So, DH has to do his job. This, I understand. His job does not usually require much travel. I've always followed with rapt attention those of you who survive often without spouses at home. I know I couldn't do it...however lots of travel is hitting all at once. I was worried about being the only caretaker for all these days (read the crazy lady with a bat - HA, HA...I don't have a bat...well, not one that I use on the children). Here is what has actually happened in the last few days:
*Yes, I went crazy a time or two...might have said some crazy things...probably muttered under my breath.
*Attended parent teacher conferences and found out that overall things at school are good. DD has a new friend who is apparently a bit bossy (and I already thought she might be stalkerish) and behavior from DD with said friend is not poster worthy...crud!
*broke a sink...the plug went down but won't come up - it's one of those poppy kinds (how about that technical knowledge people?) and I continue to forget three days later and use it...thankfully it drains very slowly so no overflow yet! I'm shocked at how much water I use to wash my hands...it's like a sink full...I need to go on some kind of water diet - but I really detest not perfectly clean hands. Not like I'm Howie Mandell or anything...but you know...just like a little clean when I leave the potty.
*The heater went down. It's now 52 degrees inside my house and about 30 degrees outside. I'm covered up like a woman climbing Everest. It's REALLY COLD. It took me two days to finally investigate - yes, 2 days ago I remember thinking: huh...it's feeling a bit chilly and I haven't heard the heater come on. I walked by the thermostat thing probably 1000 times, but if I don't have it on a to-do list...it ain't gettin done! Be A U tiful...I'm going to be a popsicle by the time DH gets home tonight.
*The dogs have literally run a ring around the trampoline and therefore it's like a moat. Pure ankle deep mud. Of course, they want to go out 100 times a day and the clean up is impossible - I can't catch them both to clean them. Therefore I decided it was easier to deal with accidents than mud. Yes, that is both a lazy and self-preserving choice right now! I want that trampoline gone I tell you!!!

Don't leave me alone again - there is only so much more I can break!

blame it on the bossanova...

Not the darn adoption, please! This is going to come out clear as mud, but I really want to try to trudge my way through.

I do not have trouble parenting DS2 and DD because they are adopted. Granted, the issues that are a part of our lives each day stem from the facts of their early lives...but I don't awake each morning and think "I'm going to struggle loving them today because they didn't come out of me". I guess that seems important right now. I had an adoptee tell me that sometimes reading what I've said could feel a bit hurtful and it made me mad at myself. I don't think I've ever stopped to think about what I might be making others feel. When I'm 'talking' on this blog or online or even in real life...it's like verbal puke. I can't control what comes up - and I guess I never thought I needed to, because again - it's not about the adoption to me. For the record, the one who did pop out of me has become a real pain in the bootie. He ranks right up there in the race for "who can drive mom crazy" award. The difference is - I can tell him that. OK, yes, I tell the others that sometimes as well - but attachment parenting does not really conform to the way I parent. I might even actually stink at attachment parenting - maybe.
I don't look at DS2 when I'm upset with his choices and think "if only you were REALLY MY child, this wouldn't happen". Never. That seems ridiculous to me. I don't even look at DD and think "I wish you had my hair color...dog gone that loss of genetic material". Could really care less... Raising kids is hard. If there is a parent out there that says it's all magical and fun, the either: a) smoke too much pot (or better stuff), b)are incredible liars or c) their children are all under the age of 4. It's easy to love a sweet thing that can't talk back or try to take little pieces of your life.
DS1 told me tonight that he's mad because I'm a different person since the kids came home. That hurt me - but how true. I'm not near as laid back...I'm probably brutally honest, compared to slightly painfully honest before. I don't think I had ever said any of the following B2M (before 2 more).
*Please find the missing underwear (how can there be 5 pair of dirty pants and no underwear...really?)
*Beijing is not in the USA...no really, it's not....NO, IT'S NOT and YOUR STUPID TECH TEACHER DID NOT SAY IT IS.
*The song is 'ridin dirty' - not white and nerdy...pretty sure they wouldn't know what it was like to be white and nerdy. (ok, you can question what I let my kids listen to...but I'm not ashamed to say that rap music relaxs me and yes, I know the words)
*Yes, if you run away and we find you - you do have to come back home - no, it probably won't be fun.
*I think that trying to cut your hand by stabbing yourself with a pencil is not the smartest idea.
*If food is in the trash can - please leave it there. Eating out of the trash is like licking the bottom of your shoes - it's that dirty. (pause...hear quiet from front room) - OMG, DO NOT LICK YOUR SHOES!

Ah, the oldies but goodies.

Anyway, I suppose anyone has the right to think I'm anything they'd like to label me. And, I probably am about 50% of those things. But, please do not say it - do not say "it's all because those kids are adopted"...

BTW, I watched Juno today. Haven't formed a major opinion - although for pure comedic value - I liked it. In the end, when the adoptive mom is holding the baby and says "how do I look?" (which was the oddest question I could think of her asking at that moment and I probably would have grabbed the kid and ran fast) - I did like the answer "like any new mom, scared S*$&less" I guess that's partly my point. Give ANY mom a kid that is emotionally scarred and acting out and they'd all look the same. OK, maybe except that Michelle Duggar woman who I believe is a robotic prototype - does she really talk in that sweet voice ALL the time???? I watch that show like a cult member - I'm waiting - she has to crack...she even spoke sweetly in labor - BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

pack the truck...

I'm moving on. Gotta - there just isn't another option, right? That is what everyone keeps telling me and I'm trying to tell that to myself. This weekend was pretty good - we are back where DS2 knows that he did something really stupid and he's being an angel to try to prove that he can. That's the thing - I already know he can make good choices and I just don't get why he makes such bad ones! I try to stand back and understand what others tell me. It's the way he has learned to react to excitement in his life - it's his inability to make good choices in the face of chaos or it's his need for chaos in general. I feel bad though - because I see such planning in his 'bad acts' .
I tried to think about things this weekend. Things I get upset if the kids do - but maybe, just maybe, I do them too on some scale. We moved all DS1's furniture this weekend in order to fit a desk in his room. For a house with so much square footage, the kid's rooms are smaller than I'd like...not enough room to be functional and stylish! Anyway, I was screwing around and I literally fell over and knocked into the closet doors so hard they came off their hinges. Yes, I was playing around when I did it. I could hear myself saying to a kid "see what you get for screwing around" and being upset that the doors were broken. I was upset that I broke them, but I didn't give myself a speech! I did use the whole moving to show DD that I can trust her - she got to PAINT. After I patched holes, I actually let her use NAVY BLUE paint with light colored carpet to touch up the patched areas. I held my breath the whole time, but only stepped in once (as she's dripping paint into her hand)! I don't know if she felt the gravity, but I did! Hey, the desk fits and now DS1 can't take up my whole dining room table with his 'big boy' homework! Yeah - moral victory for mom!
We were heading into a restaurant this weekend and DD was worrying about something - I don't even remember what. I said "oh geez, I don't want to hear this" and she said "Mom, I'm just a sensitive girl. Can't you let me be sensitive?". Really? I don't even know where she got that word! It was funny, but she felt she was being totally real. I don't know though, to me sensitive is worrying about others. That is not what DD does. She worries about every crazy thing that might happen to her. And only her! Ok, sometimes DS2...she does idolize him. Actually tells me that if she only had a wee-wee (of course, she uses the correct term) - she could be almost just like him. DD had a play date this weekend and they made "BFF" shirts. Big step for her to have someone call her that. I'm holding my breath since this girl is new and I'm not sure DD has had time to show herself - or maybe, just maybe she's really trying to keep this friend. Flush me down with those pipe dreams!
I let DS2 pick out some new clothes this weekend, he really is the hand-me-down boy and so getting new stuff can seem special to him. Especially when I let him pick (wow, strange style)...but I bought the winter stuff big, you know being thrifty - it MUST fit next year. I let him try to wear one of the shirts today and I watched him pulling at it and moving it around and I thought "oh no, does he have sensory integration disorder" - then I realized...I can't add that to my plate (or his plate) right now and just made him change until he found something that he wasn't pulling. For now, I'm blaming it on the shirt being too big...just let me live in that place for a few days!

running man

Excuse me for the fact that I'm going to copy a post I put on my forum today - then I'll elaborate.



Today was a big day for DS2. He had a field trip he was WAY excited about - first time I've seen him excited in a long time! He even used good words, like nervous and anticipating when talking about it the past few days. This morning, DD was running late and DS2 was leaving for the bus and I hollered at him to have a great day and behave well and I was so excited to hear all about it. I heard him leave and shut the big front door behind him - he never does that - none of the kids do. I knew something was wrong...ran from the kitchen just in time to see DS2 check the house (to see if I was looking - he couldn't see me at the small sidelight window) and then RUN - I mean FULL SPEED the opposite direction of the bus stop. I fly out of the house in my pjs and I'm screaming for him. I start chasing him down the sidewalk and he turns when he hears me yell and KEEPS running. He gets almost to the large intersection (5 lane parkway) before he stops. At this point I'm hoping DD left for the bus because I can hear it behind me in the neighborhood. I'm yelling at him to run back - still thinking I need to get him on the bus (I was delirious) and he walks as slow as he can. Once within grasp, I was mad. I held his arm as he pulled away shouting "you're hurting me". We got back to the house and yes, DD had left and made the bus and I sent him to his room. What in the HELL? As we were walking in he tells me that he was taking a short cut to the bus - which is 6 houses away from us but he was going about 2 blocks the other direction. So, lies on top of total disregard for the rules. I was on the phone with the school and DH trying to figure out if he should go on the field trip and then DH said - "let him go, it might be the last thing he gets to do here". I got to school to sign him in - and broke down. I looked like a maniac, I'm sure...mismatched clothes, no bra - you know, real classy. They pulled me in the office and got the counselor...that's always fun. I had to go find DD to let her know I was happy and proud she got on the bus and that everything was ok - she worries so much and I didn't want to ruin her day. I'm at the end of the rope here and I feel like a loser. So many people deal with so much more - but I don't feel strong enough. He had a good string of good days and while I felt happy...I still felt removed. It's as though I can't celebrate his accomplishments anymore - a stranger in my house (even on the good days). I'm going to get through today - waiting for a return call from the AT...I don't even know what the right consequence should be and I am about to give up - the consequences aren't working after 3 years...how long is it supposed to take? Anyway, I can't address the bigger issues in this emotional state. Yes, I know that he should not have gone on the field trip - but really, I didn't want him here. I have to be at the ortho for DS1's braces and it's a long appt...I didn't want to sit there with him either. I feel mean and ugly today. Crap! Crap!!! Crap...

I just don't know what to think. I keep saying "he basically ran away" - but was he running away from home or from his uncontrollable excitement. If he wanted to catch the other bus stop, he had overshot it...did he think he could run all the way to school (totally against the rules...to many big streets to cross?)?????????? I guess DH and I have to assume some things, because we'll never get the truth - so we assume he was going to run to school. I don't understand it...is there no concept of getting caught. And, I'm back at the thought that he has FAS or something - there is just no cause and effect thinking YET he was able to know that he didn't want to turn around when I was yelling for him...so doesn't that mean that he knew he was 'busted'. Talking in circles...thinking in circles and I'm right back at CRAP!

There is a new president at our house

And, no - I'm not talking about Obama.

DS1 got a presidential position for his upcoming International Towne field trip. Big news around here - there are 117 kids that interviewed and only about 20 president - type positions. He is really honored. So, then mister President comes home to share with me (at least he came forward and was honest) that he has a D in Science and a C in work habits in math. Not exactly the impressive record I would hope to see in him...he can do so much better. He promises that he can get both of those up and although I still heard some "it's not my fault" - I forced him to take responsibility! Hey, if he's going to be president he has to learn to take the blame for things that are and are not his fault.

I interviewed these kids today - 117: 12 and 13 year olds. Well...the future of our nation says "ummmmmm" a lot and "I don't know" as well. Some of them were so impressive though that I walked away feeling pretty good about this countries chances! As long as the CEOs can skype and text instead of writing on paper - we're set to go!!!

security level is at red

You know those announcements in the airport - it's pretty much been at orange since it came into existense after 9/11. Well...they announce it all the time - when you're waiting you hear it over and over. So, I think I need that computer lady in my house. Each morning when my children wake up there should be an announcement "today DS1s security level is at yellow - proceed with slight caution" - "today DS2s level is at yellow - proceed with a sweet demeanor" - "today DDs security level is at red, very red, red hot - proceed with a fire extinquisher"

Not that I leave my room not knowing that is what awaits me...but I think hearing it in the movie phone lady voice would somehow make it more palatable!

Red hot DD is in constant state of flux right now - it's like I can see the anxiety and control eating little pieces of her right in front of me. It's really heartbreaking, but I'm too exhausted to even be heartbroken. There is an article in Adoptive Family magazine this month and the gentleman is an attachment specialist. He comments on the fact that sometimes a parent can build up the child's anxiety and fear by giving too many parameters. Basically if you don't let them explore life they live as fearful beings. This makes sense and also makes me want to puke. I am a totally independence preaching - non helicopter parent by nature. I can't be that with them. I want to be...I have tried lately to no longer let her ask about everything. She knows that she can take a shower early if she feels the need - but then it becomes the "everybody look at me show"...if she steps out and makes a decision on her own I think she wants a spotlight to shine brightly upon her and a Broadway sign to drop down with a big arrow pointing at her and saying "THIS GIRL JUST TOOK A SHOWER ALL BY HERSELF". Refer to above sentence about being exhausted.
So, it's a catch 22...if I give her a leash and let her try things out - the new issue is that she wants full and total attention for it. If I make her get permission for everything, I'm breeding fear.

Today the kids were home from school. She was playing out front on her own and came in about 5 minutes before lunch would be ready. She asked to go across the street to the park (yes, she does have to have permission to leave the yard...heck yes) and I said no. Before I could even get out that lunch was almost ready and she should wash up (the main reason I was saying no) - she stormed out and threw a little hissy fit. I didn't have it in me to follow her and reason with that. There is no reasoning with that. She was in the garage tantruming and I thought (for the millioneth time) "wow, our neighbors must think we are nuts!"

We had an ortho check up today - DS1 will be getting his braces on Thursday. Big news in our house...we've been on the ortho radar for years, knowing they will all need them - so the show begins. Stupid ortho guy - yes, I like him...but come on - tells DD and DS2 which teeth are still baby teeth and that they can "wiggle them all day long and just rip those suckers out".....UUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMM...did he hear me say that they both have issues with wanting to pull out teeth that should NOT be coming out? What a freakin stupid thing to say. I tried to save this moment by talking about one tooth at a time and that if they pulled them all out they would not be able to chew anything - how about a blender and some pork chops for dinner? Of course DD is taking it to heart and has been working away all afternoon at a loose tooth (or one she said was loose and at least, it's a baby tooth).

So, if you are driving by my house and hear the soothing voice of the computer lady announcing our personal security levels - pay attention...you could bump into one of my kids on the street and you'll want to have an emergency plan!

You sound like an angel

Do you lie to your kids? I really try not to - but I think there is a line somewhere in the sand and I can't find it. DD wants to be/thinks she is a great singer. She has those little girl dreams of being a rock star - the next Miley Cyrus! However, she cannot carry a tune in a really large bucket. It is seriously bad. She got the karaoke machine for Christmas because I know it's her passion. I got her headphones so that she can do it in her room and the noise level is a little lower - but the sound you do hear is just her voice. Heavens...I don't know what to say. Then she'll come say "did you hear that?, it was great wasn't it?" I usually try to beg off that I didn't hear it - but I do go in sometimes and sing with her or listen to her. Do I just lie then? I stink at lying...really stink and my kids have called me on lies before. Do I just say - oh, you're working hard at it. That's the tack I'm taking now. However, she wants to try out for choir next year. I think it's an "everyone makes it" kind of thing - but I can't imagine putting her through that. She will get called out (think of a cat moaning lowly and then suddenly being stepped on and screeching...that's about the jist of it). I have even said things like "singing is a fun thing to do, but I love that you want to be a teacher!".
Geez...maybe I just don't have the mom gene - wouldn't most people tell her she's the greatest singer they've ever heard? Of course, her brothers have made it clear that she is NOT to sing in the car - ever! I couldn't really jump in, because it isn't fair to have to listen to it all the way to wherever.
DS2 is totally into drawing and yes, he could be good - but he chooses to simply trace pictures out of books and try to say he drew it freehand. I have called him on it and told him how well I bet he could do trying to do it freehand. I see him now, in his room, attempting to free hand. I'll make a big deal over it even if it's bad (I hope it's good) because I want to reward the effort! OK, maybe I can learn to 'lie' to my kids when it's neccessary...is that a crazy goal to set or what?