I'm a talker...for those that know me - you are laughing as that might be a major understatement. I like to hash it out through words and talk to myself, the dogs, the quiet DH and anyone else who will listen. So, I want to (and sometimes do) talk to my kids. I know that it is more for me than them (at least DS2 and DD)...and I can see the glazed look (well, that's immediate and ever present with DS2), but I have a real issue with shutting up sometimes. DH and I talked to DS2 last night. For him, hearing it from Dad is WAY different than hearing it from mom. Now, there was brutal honesty. DH is trying to protect me and present a united front and he did that last night. I just keep thinking how a "normal" child would handle this and the difference is startling. So, we have this big "come to Jesus" meeting and his reaction was "OK"...basically. It was actually a little more startling than just ok...but I digress.
There are moments of clarity where DH sees that I'm not nuts...that was one of them. The complete lack of remorse or even really the complete lack of giving a crap. I know I shouldn't be shocked, but I still am. I'm heartbroken for him and where we might be headed.
I did call his ped today. Through many great and supportive people I know that medication does work for some kids. This is not the time for my close-mindedness. So, we have the initial meeting on Saturday (hopefully) and we'll either get some meds from him or he'll move us on to someone that can help us. DH and I are not granola, heal thyselves kind of folks at all...I take meds for my bi-polar and am happy and healthy (although I don't sound like it now) on them. So, if there is a 10% chance that our family can survive with meds...I'm going to jump on board and see what happens.
Today we went to a movie. I know you are thinking - "OH, good...give the bad kid a privilege why don't you?" BUT...I did it for me. We had plans with friends and I can not give up all that I want to do, especially now in my very low state. So, I got to see Slumdog Millionaire - little plug here - VERY GOOD (but sad and sometimes hard to watch...bad things happen to kids)! No, kids did not see it - all kids (big and small) in different theater, an actual break!
After movie, came home and talked more to DS2 - again, for me...blowing off the steam. He continues to discuss how I "always" do this or that - pushing off all his bad behavior on me and my choices. I don't let that happen...he even tried to say that I knocked his tooth out!!!!! Holy cow! We get to the end of the talk and I point out (AGAIN) that he can make the choice to do things differently. I'm here to listen and I know it's hard, but there is a wonderful kid inside that I'd like to meet. He looked at me and said "I want to behave, but I need advice on how to do it". He's gotten more advice than a kid can handle...really...BUT, due to being asked I repeated something I've said a thousand times. "If mom was standing beside you, would you do what you are about to do?"...it's the easiest way to explain what I want. He does know the rules and he can follow them when it's beneficial to him. He also pointed out that he is good in public - which is true. Besides a little pouting in stores sometimes, he IS good in public! I agreed and gave him big kudos for that...
Anyway, I'd like to say it's day one in the new battle to be good...but I can't honestly say that I've wiped the slate clean.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Happy freakin' birthday!
It's my birthday and I'm not having fun! Seriously, DS2 has been a total jerk today...that stare saying "I don't care what you say or do...I don't even like you". I asked for an apology and he spit it out (no, literally, I had to wipe my face afterwards)! I want to send him packing...why, oh why, can't he give me a break? One day...just one day. I forced myself to go and get things back on track and it was terrible. He acted remorseful, but I'm not stupid. I find that I rarely, if ever, believe in him anymore. That's sad. I don't like feeling this way toward a child - but he is like an evil mastermind in my house. The dark overlord...
I cried in front of him. I'm not supposed to let him know it hurts, I know that. But, I couldn't handle anymore. I broke. There are times when a human heart can not go on and this morning was it for me. I really sobbed...so hard that DS1 heard me from upstairs and came running down to hug me and comfort me. All the while, DS2 standing about 2 feet away averting his eyes and doing everything he could to stay steely faced. Or, maybe that wasn't hard for him. He hates me. I feel like a raw open wound around him. It's not that I've laid myself on the line...I really protect myself so immensely from the pain he causes me - I'm quite closed off...but I do fake it, I do force it. I don't think there has been a time recently where I wanted to hug him. But, I do. I guess I just wish he'd fake it too. He told me happy birthday this morning and gave me a half-hearted hug...this was before the mess began. That was only the second nonrequested hug he's ever given me in private. He gives good night hugs because it's required and he'll hug me in public to make a good impression on others...but after 3 years I know for a fact that was only number 2.
The whole mess started today because he had blood on his pajama shirt. I (stupidly) asked why and he said "I was grinding my teeth last night to see if I could get one to fall out...I didn't work so I pushed and pulled it real hard and it bled". I ask to look in his mouth and see a very infected gum line and a tooth barely hanging on and it's a PERMANENT tooth. It came out. I will not spend money to correct that problem. I won't...DH won't. What on earth happened to that child to pull a tooth out of your head like that? Is he trying to punish me or himself? He has hurt himself before - pulling skin off his hands, pushing pencils into his fingers and then picking at the sore. I've tried a lot of things and I don't know how else to make him care about himself. And then I don't know if I can save him from that dark place that he must go to. What if I'm really not the best place for him. I'm not looking for sympathy - I'm serious. How do I know when I've done all I can? What if there is another, more prepared, stronger woman or man out there that could turn him around before it's too late? My dreams for his future are bleak - that stinks. You don't want to look at your child and wonder where he'll end up and your only thought out choices are a group home or jail.
Do I continue to sacrifice my sanity, my marriage and my other children? I do see that I can heal DD...it will take time and lots of work, but there is a shining part in her heart that comes through more and more. She does reach out to me for hugs and kisses. She misses me when I am not with her. She lies and manipulates, but she can discuss in some reasonable way. Maybe she is all I can do right now. I just don't know anymore.
I cried in front of him. I'm not supposed to let him know it hurts, I know that. But, I couldn't handle anymore. I broke. There are times when a human heart can not go on and this morning was it for me. I really sobbed...so hard that DS1 heard me from upstairs and came running down to hug me and comfort me. All the while, DS2 standing about 2 feet away averting his eyes and doing everything he could to stay steely faced. Or, maybe that wasn't hard for him. He hates me. I feel like a raw open wound around him. It's not that I've laid myself on the line...I really protect myself so immensely from the pain he causes me - I'm quite closed off...but I do fake it, I do force it. I don't think there has been a time recently where I wanted to hug him. But, I do. I guess I just wish he'd fake it too. He told me happy birthday this morning and gave me a half-hearted hug...this was before the mess began. That was only the second nonrequested hug he's ever given me in private. He gives good night hugs because it's required and he'll hug me in public to make a good impression on others...but after 3 years I know for a fact that was only number 2.
The whole mess started today because he had blood on his pajama shirt. I (stupidly) asked why and he said "I was grinding my teeth last night to see if I could get one to fall out...I didn't work so I pushed and pulled it real hard and it bled". I ask to look in his mouth and see a very infected gum line and a tooth barely hanging on and it's a PERMANENT tooth. It came out. I will not spend money to correct that problem. I won't...DH won't. What on earth happened to that child to pull a tooth out of your head like that? Is he trying to punish me or himself? He has hurt himself before - pulling skin off his hands, pushing pencils into his fingers and then picking at the sore. I've tried a lot of things and I don't know how else to make him care about himself. And then I don't know if I can save him from that dark place that he must go to. What if I'm really not the best place for him. I'm not looking for sympathy - I'm serious. How do I know when I've done all I can? What if there is another, more prepared, stronger woman or man out there that could turn him around before it's too late? My dreams for his future are bleak - that stinks. You don't want to look at your child and wonder where he'll end up and your only thought out choices are a group home or jail.
Do I continue to sacrifice my sanity, my marriage and my other children? I do see that I can heal DD...it will take time and lots of work, but there is a shining part in her heart that comes through more and more. She does reach out to me for hugs and kisses. She misses me when I am not with her. She lies and manipulates, but she can discuss in some reasonable way. Maybe she is all I can do right now. I just don't know anymore.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
my 3 sons
So DD is in a total state of flux and really wanting (maybe even needing) to be a boy. If we let her, she would follow DS2 around so closely that she would be attached to him. Now, I waited a long time for a girl and I'm trying to be a bit understanding...but I don't want my DD trying to pee standing up. I know it's a stage many girls go through - especially with older brothers? - BUT, she's 9.5 years old for heavens sake. I also know that emotionally and socially she is MUCH younger (maybe 5)...but that still seems a bit past this stage. Playing with cars and building castles with legos is not a problem...but we are past that. She literally repeats every word the boys say. She stares and them so amorously. I guess I just don't want to be on Jerry Springer some day!
What a torn feeling - I want her to love them, but I don't want her to want to be them!
What a torn feeling - I want her to love them, but I don't want her to want to be them!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
the apology game
So, I have one kid that apologizes all the time for every little thing and one kid that never apologizes for anything. The last kid is in the middle somewhere - only apologizes if it's big and it could mean trouble. I could play a little game and let you guess...but I'll break the suspense and spill it.
DD - the always apologizer. If I say "your shoes look tight" - she says "sorry". If I say "you didn't seem very hungry today" - "sorry"..."bummer, you stole something at school today" - "sorry". You can see where I begin to believe that there really isn't much sorrow. It's just her gut reaction and she doesn't even understand when to be sorry and what that means.
DS2 is the never sorry guy. Never. Spill paint all over the basement and clean it with my brand new (spent more than I wanted to) hand towels...no sorry. Sell me down the river by saying that I'm evil and mean to outsiders...no sorry. I wonder if I should appreciate the honesty in that...he doesn't even play the game, you know? He's simply not sorry and won't pretend to be.
DS1 - the sorry when he thinks he should be guy. Is he really? Heck, I don't know...but he does apologize at the right moments - sometimes only after he gets in trouble...but it seems sincere and I do see an effort (ever so slight sometimes) to adjust his behavior.
Therapy today was an interesting endevour. DD would NOT agree to any of the trust exercises that XXX wanted her to try with me. He was explaining how it could help her - having real conversation about the fact that she still can't let go of control and how a little "game" could make her feel a little safer - but, no go. She flat out denied any and all of his requests. It made me sad to know that she can't even trust me enough to play a blindfold simon-says type game with me. He says not to push it - if she isn't bought into it, it won't work...
DS2 tried to lie his way out of everything. I'm fine, he's fine the world's fine. Bull...he and I have been in a real low (all except that special day of Christmas). This morning I offered him advice (that he said he wanted) - it was simple "if you continue the same actions, you get the same consequences". He was mad...he hates when it makes sense. He will try the same stuff over and over and seem shocked when the same consequence happens.
XXX also spoke with me about letting go of anger. This will sound hard to understand, yet again, to those who don't deal with this - but, I'm often mad at my kids. Yes, honestly mad. My life is not what I wanted or expected...being a mother is a hard, gut-wrenching, not always full-of-laughter proposition for me. That makes me mad and who is there to blame - my kids. Is that fair? Probably not...but it does feel incredibly personal most of the time!!! So, I will try to work on that.
Strangely, we ran some errands, had some lunch and came home. We played games (the kids and I) and I had a really lovely time. No melt-downs, no anger over losing stupid games...actual laughter and joy. It was nice. Even nicer - DH and I have a date tonight. A very nice meal alone for my birthday. When DS2 found out the kids weren't going to my birthday meal, he looked hurt. I said "yeah, I want to have fun while I'm there eating"...
Do I think it will get through?
DD - the always apologizer. If I say "your shoes look tight" - she says "sorry". If I say "you didn't seem very hungry today" - "sorry"..."bummer, you stole something at school today" - "sorry". You can see where I begin to believe that there really isn't much sorrow. It's just her gut reaction and she doesn't even understand when to be sorry and what that means.
DS2 is the never sorry guy. Never. Spill paint all over the basement and clean it with my brand new (spent more than I wanted to) hand towels...no sorry. Sell me down the river by saying that I'm evil and mean to outsiders...no sorry. I wonder if I should appreciate the honesty in that...he doesn't even play the game, you know? He's simply not sorry and won't pretend to be.
DS1 - the sorry when he thinks he should be guy. Is he really? Heck, I don't know...but he does apologize at the right moments - sometimes only after he gets in trouble...but it seems sincere and I do see an effort (ever so slight sometimes) to adjust his behavior.
Therapy today was an interesting endevour. DD would NOT agree to any of the trust exercises that XXX wanted her to try with me. He was explaining how it could help her - having real conversation about the fact that she still can't let go of control and how a little "game" could make her feel a little safer - but, no go. She flat out denied any and all of his requests. It made me sad to know that she can't even trust me enough to play a blindfold simon-says type game with me. He says not to push it - if she isn't bought into it, it won't work...
DS2 tried to lie his way out of everything. I'm fine, he's fine the world's fine. Bull...he and I have been in a real low (all except that special day of Christmas). This morning I offered him advice (that he said he wanted) - it was simple "if you continue the same actions, you get the same consequences". He was mad...he hates when it makes sense. He will try the same stuff over and over and seem shocked when the same consequence happens.
XXX also spoke with me about letting go of anger. This will sound hard to understand, yet again, to those who don't deal with this - but, I'm often mad at my kids. Yes, honestly mad. My life is not what I wanted or expected...being a mother is a hard, gut-wrenching, not always full-of-laughter proposition for me. That makes me mad and who is there to blame - my kids. Is that fair? Probably not...but it does feel incredibly personal most of the time!!! So, I will try to work on that.
Strangely, we ran some errands, had some lunch and came home. We played games (the kids and I) and I had a really lovely time. No melt-downs, no anger over losing stupid games...actual laughter and joy. It was nice. Even nicer - DH and I have a date tonight. A very nice meal alone for my birthday. When DS2 found out the kids weren't going to my birthday meal, he looked hurt. I said "yeah, I want to have fun while I'm there eating"...
Do I think it will get through?
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas night - all the gifts are torn open and dark has settled in. I would give the day a 85% - solid B. Which really is pretty darn good. NO melt downs...however a lot of droopy faces. Kids seem to really want something, then mess with it for an hour and they are done. We let go of our strict schedule today - thinking they had new things and would be able to entertain themselves. The boys have actually done great...DD...not so great. She hates being alone. I don't mean actually shut off from others - even if she's in the room and we aren't in constant interaction with her, she's miserable. Some see it and think she's just a "ham"...but it's more than that. She does not want to be alone with herself! And, really I think she could find a lot to like about that little girl...I know that I continue to find things!
I ran through some mini time-ins without calling it that...just asking for help when I could see her losing it. The ogres we are, we made her sit and watch "A Christmas Story" - wow, she was such a wiggler I was thankful she hadn't sat on the same couch with me!
DD got a kareoke machine today (I have no clue how to spell that)!!! I LOVE IT! It has all these great songs from the "olden days" (per her) - like Workin for the Weekend (go Loverboy!) and Material Girl (before Madonna was a total freak)! I rocked out with her for a long time today.
DS2 is keeping busy putting together a 700+ piece lego monstocity...but, he's being quite diligent and hasn't had a melt down. I think I will re-direct him in a bit so that we don't get overload.
With all the sweets flowing and total lack of structure today - we did really well!
Here's hoping that each of you also had a Merry day and many more to come!!!
I ran through some mini time-ins without calling it that...just asking for help when I could see her losing it. The ogres we are, we made her sit and watch "A Christmas Story" - wow, she was such a wiggler I was thankful she hadn't sat on the same couch with me!
DD got a kareoke machine today (I have no clue how to spell that)!!! I LOVE IT! It has all these great songs from the "olden days" (per her) - like Workin for the Weekend (go Loverboy!) and Material Girl (before Madonna was a total freak)! I rocked out with her for a long time today.
DS2 is keeping busy putting together a 700+ piece lego monstocity...but, he's being quite diligent and hasn't had a melt down. I think I will re-direct him in a bit so that we don't get overload.
With all the sweets flowing and total lack of structure today - we did really well!
Here's hoping that each of you also had a Merry day and many more to come!!!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I wanted to address (and did in that first long gone entry) what happened in the very beginning - like first meetings with our kids! A dear friend asked about this and I think it's a good point to ponder.
DS2 was HYPER and very obviously a favorite in that home. He had learned how to act the way each person liked him to act. He knew that certain caretakers liked girls better and he would act totally feminine with them around. He knew the ones that liked to see him dance and he would dance for them. At the time I thought it was sweet that he wanted to please and I hoped that it would transfer to an easy-going, get-along kid at home. I guess we all know how that worked out. It was his great acting skills in the early phases. We did have a honeymoon period once actually home in the US...but even our first few days with him were full of red flags. He flipped me off more in one day than I'd ever seen in my life. He LITERALLY flipped off the top of the curtain panel (9 feet high) landed with a thud and had no emotional reaction!
DD was quite the opposite. Very unliked by her caretakers and emotionally embattled. They called her the fat kid (yes, they told us this) and would often take her food to try to help her lose weight (they seemed to think this was a kind thing). Of course, we still deal with food issues galore. She wanted so badly to please us and was constantly looking for re-affirmation, but was stiff board when we tried to hug her. Our first few days together were a control battle and she tried to win by crying non-stop. I would fix her hair and she would rip it out (not just the rubber bands, but the HAIR). I would put a shirt on her and she would pull at it until it ripped.
We had spent a total of 3 hours with each child prior to getting custody. We did not have a first trip to meet them (due to a lost referal and a kind judge) and our situation was quite different. I wonder if I would have figured things out better with a bit of time to think about them between two trips. I don't know. A friend of mine mentioned that she wanted to warn us about the crap that could happen before we went down this road. She could have, others did - we listened to all the training and read all the books...but how can you ever think "yep, it'll happen to me"? That's just not human nature.
DS2 was HYPER and very obviously a favorite in that home. He had learned how to act the way each person liked him to act. He knew that certain caretakers liked girls better and he would act totally feminine with them around. He knew the ones that liked to see him dance and he would dance for them. At the time I thought it was sweet that he wanted to please and I hoped that it would transfer to an easy-going, get-along kid at home. I guess we all know how that worked out. It was his great acting skills in the early phases. We did have a honeymoon period once actually home in the US...but even our first few days with him were full of red flags. He flipped me off more in one day than I'd ever seen in my life. He LITERALLY flipped off the top of the curtain panel (9 feet high) landed with a thud and had no emotional reaction!
DD was quite the opposite. Very unliked by her caretakers and emotionally embattled. They called her the fat kid (yes, they told us this) and would often take her food to try to help her lose weight (they seemed to think this was a kind thing). Of course, we still deal with food issues galore. She wanted so badly to please us and was constantly looking for re-affirmation, but was stiff board when we tried to hug her. Our first few days together were a control battle and she tried to win by crying non-stop. I would fix her hair and she would rip it out (not just the rubber bands, but the HAIR). I would put a shirt on her and she would pull at it until it ripped.
We had spent a total of 3 hours with each child prior to getting custody. We did not have a first trip to meet them (due to a lost referal and a kind judge) and our situation was quite different. I wonder if I would have figured things out better with a bit of time to think about them between two trips. I don't know. A friend of mine mentioned that she wanted to warn us about the crap that could happen before we went down this road. She could have, others did - we listened to all the training and read all the books...but how can you ever think "yep, it'll happen to me"? That's just not human nature.
take off your shoes and stay awhile!
OK...now...
We went to see family for a few days and are back in time for our Christmas celebration. DS2 was in rare form for us and continues to be so...I guess there aren't days off around Christmas for good behavior!
We saw a child at a fast food restaurant today and it got me thinking about something I think about often? What is really my job in raising my children? The kid was wild. Jumping on and off tables, running up and down the rows of chairs around him. His mom (I assume) was oblivious. She even wrapped up his food and took it "in case you get hungry later". Yet, she didn't seem frazzled or annoyed. I don't know if I understand it. I do believe that kids are kids for a reason...they should have fun. But, I do not believe it's my job to make the whole world their playground. There are rules they must learn to follow. I am blessed - my kids are VERY well behaved out in the world (they save the good stuff for home). I constantly feel that I'm being looked at for expecting good behavior. Am I nuts? Does everyone else feel that kids knocking clothes off racks or speeding through a grocery store on those stupid wheelie shoes is OK? Then I think, maybe I'm not having enough fun???
The moment of the day at my house is all about shoes. I love shoes...would buy millions if I didn't have to pay my credit card. BUT, I don't want them on in my house - yuck. So much yucky stuff gets drug in. So, DS2 had on his shoes 2.5 hours after we got home. I joked to him "geez, it's like you are prepared to run out at a moment's notice"...then I noticed. His face that is. It's true - that's what he feels. Fight or flight is true and for him - it's always flight. He finds safety in having his shoes on. Even when they are off...he has them close by...I just never connected it. After some hugs and tugs (on his shoes of course), I think we moved on. But, this will be back...it always comes back. How do you go about convincing a kid that he's safe?
We went to see family for a few days and are back in time for our Christmas celebration. DS2 was in rare form for us and continues to be so...I guess there aren't days off around Christmas for good behavior!
We saw a child at a fast food restaurant today and it got me thinking about something I think about often? What is really my job in raising my children? The kid was wild. Jumping on and off tables, running up and down the rows of chairs around him. His mom (I assume) was oblivious. She even wrapped up his food and took it "in case you get hungry later". Yet, she didn't seem frazzled or annoyed. I don't know if I understand it. I do believe that kids are kids for a reason...they should have fun. But, I do not believe it's my job to make the whole world their playground. There are rules they must learn to follow. I am blessed - my kids are VERY well behaved out in the world (they save the good stuff for home). I constantly feel that I'm being looked at for expecting good behavior. Am I nuts? Does everyone else feel that kids knocking clothes off racks or speeding through a grocery store on those stupid wheelie shoes is OK? Then I think, maybe I'm not having enough fun???
The moment of the day at my house is all about shoes. I love shoes...would buy millions if I didn't have to pay my credit card. BUT, I don't want them on in my house - yuck. So much yucky stuff gets drug in. So, DS2 had on his shoes 2.5 hours after we got home. I joked to him "geez, it's like you are prepared to run out at a moment's notice"...then I noticed. His face that is. It's true - that's what he feels. Fight or flight is true and for him - it's always flight. He finds safety in having his shoes on. Even when they are off...he has them close by...I just never connected it. After some hugs and tugs (on his shoes of course), I think we moved on. But, this will be back...it always comes back. How do you go about convincing a kid that he's safe?
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