My cape is torn

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I have some wonderful people in my life. I'm now learning that even some strangers I come into contact with can have an impact. Of course, I'm a loud mouth and right now - I'm on a mission.

Adoption issues are everywhere - really...

I run in adoption circles where people are struggling and I'm sure there are whole groups of people out there touched by adoption who have no issues to speak of...but I firmly believe they are the minority.

Read some blogs of adoptees...there is sadness, loss, grief and even anger there. For a long time I felt mad at them. HOW COULD THEY be mad that someone adopted them? How could they be judgemental of a process that gave them a family? I often termed them 'angry adoptees' and then I started to realize that I am, more than likely, raising adoptees who will still be wounded when they are grown up. Maybe my kids will blog or write or simply talk about their lives, both before and after adoption, and it probably won't be wonderful. I know it won't...because it isn't. When you look at a child and they want nothing more than to be away from you - is there any answer for that?

I don't think there is one that can make you out to be a hero. And, yes, somewhere deep down I wish I could put on a cape and be Superwoman. Ha...no cape in sight!

I'm telling people about our plan for DS2. I have to. Much like adopting older children, it is generally a story you have to tell...it's not like you can suddenly show up with 3 kids instead of 1 and expect people to believe you simply never mentioned them before. So, in about six weeks, he won't be with us anymore. We'll still go to baseball games, hikes, school events and dinners with friends and he won't be there. It's not exactly something I can hide.

And, back to being blessed. Not a soul I've told IRL has seemed judgemental. I'm sure they go home and probably wonder how you can send your son that far away right now. I'm sure they question whether or not they would 'do that'. But, they are supportive to my face. It would be ok if they weren't. It's the right choice for us.

This weekend I told someone about it and learned his story. He was raised in foster care. I sat and listened to a man speak that I firmly believe could by my son someday. He explained his fear of having a family to care for him. He explained his behaviors and why that felt safer. He said that he'd always felt that from DS2...he'd kinda always known. He's a dad now...and a partner to a lovely woman...but he still has issues with being close to someone. I'm proud to know him and truthfully, tears spring to my eyes each time I think that DS2 could have that future...it's more than I've dared dream for him before.

So, I'm busying myself with preparations and the ritual of moving someone. I'm making shopping lists and airline reservations...and I'm thinking about him. This is a child that I am not giving up on...I'm just letting tie to him hang a little looser. His relief is enough to tell me that he needs this too right now.

When asked what our hopes are for an outcome - all I can think is - I want him to feel safe and healthy. I want him to succeed in whatever way works for him. I want him to at least be able to say when he grows up that I did not have a superhero cape, but also - no devil horns.