Panic at the inbox

The email came. He may be asked to leave the school.

Then, the panic attack came.

Full on. I've only had 3 in my life...but it was wholly real this time. It scared my daughter who happened to walk in the room. Breath wouldn't come, heart wouldn't slow.

All from hearing that my son may be coming home - and we don't have a plan B.

The communication hasn't been good between the school and us it seems. I continued to hear that he was a good kid who was struggling. They said that there was nothing that would have him close to being expelled. They still won't say expelled - "asked to leave". I think those are the same thing, yes?

I sent an email to address his recent punishment. Their answer included the fact that he may be asked to leave at Christmas break. Shocking...we need more time. My response was quite raw and I think it took him completely off guard. I believe we'll have to jump start the search for somewhere else, but I do think they'll be understanding of needing more time.

We just wanted it to work. We wanted DS2 to be happy (which he still claims to be) and to grow (which is obviously not the case). We wanted time to figure out what needs to happen here, in our home - that is something that we haven't done. It's just been quiet - for the first time in five years. A calm has fallen over our home in general...we just are.

So, I let the planning fall to the bottom of my list. I let go of trying to figure out the next step because I just wanted to sit and rest on this step. I still have to shake myself sometimes to realize that our house is happy and relaxed and calm. I can't help coming back to that word. It's a place I didn't know if we'd ever be again. Now, I'm not sure how to keep it.

I've been busy this morning. Looking into other programs and schools that had made our short list before. The admission that he's been 'let go' from another boarding school program doesn't bode well for his placement the next time. But, I've found a couple of places that are open at this point.

One of the places I spoke with today said that their goal/their job is to help a child through the troubled spot they are in so that the child can return home and become a part of the family again. Most places talk like DS2 will simply be there until graduation...like there isn't a chance of him returning. It was interesting to hear the difference.

Could these people help us find calm with all FIVE of us at home? It seems like a dream right now...but if we get to that point - I'm going to choose to sit on that step and wait for it. I will wait for it and fight for it and do whatever I can to make it happen.