rambling...

We have found a program/school in Utah that can and wants to take DS2 after Christmas break. They actually would like him to come sooner, but I'm trying to just ride everything out right now.

It's more of a residential treatment type program. They live in homes with a smaller group of kids and really work on living in a family environment. Each moment is a teaching moment. The goal of the program is not only academic - although they catch kids up to grade level before they are returned to family...but it's more emotional. They can't make any promise - but they want to return him to our family to live in a functional environment for all five of us.

I feel hope when I talk to them - but I'm tempering that hope. I felt hope that his school in KY was an answer. So, I don't want to hang everything on this hook either. I'm still looking for options because I've learned to have a plan B, C and D at all times.

I continue to be amazed at how many families have the stories we do. Sure, each family has a slightly different twist - but there is so much struggle and so much pain out there. Enough to go around for sure. While I feel a strange comfort in knowing we are not alone - I feel such an empty place that so many have ended up here. So much pain in so many little ones...and I wonder if they will be able to grow up and have normal lives. I'm worried about a generation of lost souls wandering alone.

Stress is weighing heavily on me. I push everyone away and get angry that no one is around for me. I'm trying VERY HARD to show a positive attitude and even harder to not take any of this out on DD and DS1. I haven't really slept in a while. Exhaustion can make a person crazy. I swear that I can't remember anything for more than 15 minutes.

We had dinner out last night and we truthfully had a nice time. That was a relief. We talked about normal family stuff and laughed and shared veggies. So, life goes on with a zombie for a mother...a zombie trying to pretend to be normal.