Some little piece of me is a perfectionist. Ok, maybe a slightly larger chunk than I'd like to admit. Maybe perfection isn't the word - and really, in the life I have right now, perfection would be an improbability - it's just the striving for it. I like to do the best I can at whatever I do. I like the feeling of knowing I did my best and I even like the drive it creates in me when I know I didn't. Growing up I was mortified to get a B and honestly, never got anything lower. All this to say that it's hard to watch a child that doesn't seem to want the best for themselves.
We are still in a rut with DS2. He just doesn't have that fire - about anything. I'm doing a much better job of living with what he calls life...his choices, not mine. I stay out of homework and honestly, I've stopped fighting the school. The hard part of that for me is that I feel like I've stopped fighting for HIM. I know that I'm right about what he needs. I sincerely believe that I know best for my son. And, it's impossible to mesh the two things. Have I given up on him? He's a confusing young man. He is not screwing around during homework time - he truthfully sits at his desk and works...for a LONG time. He gets upset if I tell him homework time is over and he's not done. He wants to finish - but he doesn't seem to want to finish right. Or, a sad thought for me - is that maybe he can't finish right. But, that returns me to the fact that he needs something that the school is not admitting. So, when he brought his homework down tonight (after 2 hours and 15 minutes to do 16 math problems, alphabetize a list of 15 words and answer 2 questions about his 30 minutes of reading), I simply said "did you do the best you could do?"...and he stared at me. No answer.
I looked over the work later and it wasn't good. Then I pondered - would he really waste 2 hours of his life to purposefully do it wrong? And, if he is trying his hardest - how can there not be a learning disability of some kind to make him miss 8 out of 10 problems and leave 6 blank (remember, that amount of work took him over an hour)? I'm at a loss. I hope to see him make something great of himself...I do.
DD has consistently asked to make her hair blonder...for YEARS. I've preached the good line of "you are beautiful like you are" and "you don't want to mess with your hair so young". Then, she had these last 3 weeks. They've been tough for her...I would categorize her as depressed. My heart breaks for the princess and I got the idea to just do it. She and I together could color her hair. I bought the kit - read all the directions - changed my mind about 30 times and then saw her getting off the bus. I was excited! I brought her in with the big TA-DA and showed her what we were going to do. After a minor freak out about getting burned by the solution - she settled in and we spent the next 105 minutes playing hair salon. She laughed, I laughed...we hugged and bonded for that time. She sat still (perhaps the most accomplished part of the evening). The boys got interested in the process and hung around a bit to 'watch'...in the end, her hair was a bit blonder than I'd planned...but she had a huge grin and couldn't wait to show it off. The joy was worth it. I may have created a monster - one I hope never has purple hair...but for now, we have a real live barbie living in our house (yes, it's THAT blonde)!
DS1 is doing well...baseball starts in one week and he's excited. His grades are good and he is happy overall. Sometimes I'm amazed he can sustain that in this craziness!
And...to end with the best of the week...
DD to me in explanation of why I'm only her second favorite mom (compared to Russian mom)
"Well, you haven't even let me have the tiniest iPod ever made"
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
all the small things
I cleaned out my file cabinet yesterday. Another one of those days where my OCD wins. I was busy all day - doing things that may have or may not have needed to get done. Still in my pj's when DH got home...that's always a good sign. But, I was happy - no depression to go along with this strange fit of cleanliness. Anyway, there is a point.
As I was cleaning out the file cabinet I came across the file I've lovingly name "My Nemisis" - otherwise known as RAD. I actually sat down and read through some articles that I'd been given over the last couple of years and renewed my hope in being able to do this thing. However, I also ran across all the emails I've sent to random people begging for help - outlining what was going on with my son or daughter and why I needed support (from the school...from therapists...from friends) - and the sad part is that most of what I wrote about in 2007 is still going on. I guess I keep hoping for healing and really - it may not happen. One of the articles said to raise them as though it won't happen...and not be emotionally invested in healing. It's wasted emotion. Yes...I know it. But, it still stinks. So, last night was a great parenting night at my house...let's see if I can hold that pattern!
On my weight loss front (which is a BIG reason I am happy right now) - I'm .5 pounds from hitting 30 pounds lost. I could not be more proud of myself for sticking with it. Now that I've seen a huge change - it's easier to be motivated. I like going to the gym - heck, maybe even love it. It's one hour of my day that is totally for me...no one else. When I weighed in this week I almost cried. I didn't have to bend my head forward to see the numbers - I could look straight down...past my stomach and see them. OMG. Strange to get excited about such a thing...but in three months - I feel like I've turned SOMETHING around. It's for me.
DS2 has decided to not run track this summer. That is upsetting because he is so stinkin' good. I so want him to want it...to want to feel the rush of being great at something...to have passion about something that can give him a feeling of worth. But, again - that's me wanting for him...not him wanting. So, we let it go. However, being physically active is not optional in this house - so we let him know that we'd be picking an activity for him...and we have. He's doing a training class for tri-athlons. Biking, running and swimming. All things he likes in small doses. The training is 6 weeks - 2 times a week and then he actually participates in our community tri. (they do 4 every summer)...so since he's turning 12 - he's in the adult category...that means biking 9.7 miles, running 3.1 miles and swimming 500 meters. Yes, I told him. We made it clear that this is NOT about winning...it's about doing the best you think you can and then doing better than you think you can. It might take him 8 hours - I don't know...but he needs to complete it. We'll see...I don't expect he'll be happy about it (although he took the news well)!
DD has gotten stuck on wanting to join the cheer team again. You may remember that we took her off the competitive team 2 years ago because we found out that she was hiding in the bathroom during practice...lying about injuries, etc. Too much time committment and money for her to screw around. She still tumbles and now she's in a dance class. Well, last night she wrote us a letter. A small excerpt:
"I just have one wish I want to tell you. I want to be a cheerleader. I want to be the girl who is pretty and has a lot of friends on the cheer squad. I want to be a flyer too. Except, right now, I'm just a girl who is good at the stuff for cheerleading, but wishes she could join a squad."
That's more honesty than we've ever really gotten - and the fact that she wrote it instead of asking us every 10 minutes is a big step (although she did ask us numerous times if we read it). We told her it's under parental advisement. Tryouts are in March...so a bit of time - thankfully. I want to make her wish come true - but I don't want to sign up for yet another bummer situation!
As I was cleaning out the file cabinet I came across the file I've lovingly name "My Nemisis" - otherwise known as RAD. I actually sat down and read through some articles that I'd been given over the last couple of years and renewed my hope in being able to do this thing. However, I also ran across all the emails I've sent to random people begging for help - outlining what was going on with my son or daughter and why I needed support (from the school...from therapists...from friends) - and the sad part is that most of what I wrote about in 2007 is still going on. I guess I keep hoping for healing and really - it may not happen. One of the articles said to raise them as though it won't happen...and not be emotionally invested in healing. It's wasted emotion. Yes...I know it. But, it still stinks. So, last night was a great parenting night at my house...let's see if I can hold that pattern!
On my weight loss front (which is a BIG reason I am happy right now) - I'm .5 pounds from hitting 30 pounds lost. I could not be more proud of myself for sticking with it. Now that I've seen a huge change - it's easier to be motivated. I like going to the gym - heck, maybe even love it. It's one hour of my day that is totally for me...no one else. When I weighed in this week I almost cried. I didn't have to bend my head forward to see the numbers - I could look straight down...past my stomach and see them. OMG. Strange to get excited about such a thing...but in three months - I feel like I've turned SOMETHING around. It's for me.
DS2 has decided to not run track this summer. That is upsetting because he is so stinkin' good. I so want him to want it...to want to feel the rush of being great at something...to have passion about something that can give him a feeling of worth. But, again - that's me wanting for him...not him wanting. So, we let it go. However, being physically active is not optional in this house - so we let him know that we'd be picking an activity for him...and we have. He's doing a training class for tri-athlons. Biking, running and swimming. All things he likes in small doses. The training is 6 weeks - 2 times a week and then he actually participates in our community tri. (they do 4 every summer)...so since he's turning 12 - he's in the adult category...that means biking 9.7 miles, running 3.1 miles and swimming 500 meters. Yes, I told him. We made it clear that this is NOT about winning...it's about doing the best you think you can and then doing better than you think you can. It might take him 8 hours - I don't know...but he needs to complete it. We'll see...I don't expect he'll be happy about it (although he took the news well)!
DD has gotten stuck on wanting to join the cheer team again. You may remember that we took her off the competitive team 2 years ago because we found out that she was hiding in the bathroom during practice...lying about injuries, etc. Too much time committment and money for her to screw around. She still tumbles and now she's in a dance class. Well, last night she wrote us a letter. A small excerpt:
"I just have one wish I want to tell you. I want to be a cheerleader. I want to be the girl who is pretty and has a lot of friends on the cheer squad. I want to be a flyer too. Except, right now, I'm just a girl who is good at the stuff for cheerleading, but wishes she could join a squad."
That's more honesty than we've ever really gotten - and the fact that she wrote it instead of asking us every 10 minutes is a big step (although she did ask us numerous times if we read it). We told her it's under parental advisement. Tryouts are in March...so a bit of time - thankfully. I want to make her wish come true - but I don't want to sign up for yet another bummer situation!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Rolling in 2010
Eight days down...that's right people - we've made it through 8 days of a new year and my house is still standing and my family is all alive.
The beginning of a new year is often hectic around here. Lots of new activities start and many plans seem to come together. I actually like the madness a bit. I love to see my kids active and 'doing'...although we are still deep in winter (what is with this cold...10 degrees for a high is NOT something I enjoy), it starts to feel like a melt is happening at my house. I know the holidays are important and such an integral part of family life - but really...it's basically just a time for me to lose track of what day of the week it is and often, pray for school to start again!
I was happy to see my kids jump right back into the thick of things - bringing homework home on day one of going back...that's what I like to see. However, it underlined, yet again, that DS2 is falling behind. I'm back to fighting the good fight. I went to see the principal where I was told that it's good for a parent to 'let their child fail' - to which I replied:
GREAT - NOW TELL SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY FAIL HIM!!!!!!!
There was no response. It seems that to leave no child behind means that no child has to learn what should be learned. I'm frustrated. I look at his work and wonder how he's 'average'? I was also told (in 'school talk') that I had expectations that were too high for him. This was after I pointed out that not one week this year has he copied his 15 spelling words from the board to his planner correctly. Not once. Often they are so mispelled that I can't even decipher what word it might be. So, the answer seems to be to set the bar lower...maybe he can only be responsible for writing 10 words correctly...and I should, apparently, share these lowered expectations with him.
Yes, I know that parenting a child with 'special needs' is different - but I do not agree with lowering the bar to the level he wants to achieve. I just wonder when it became wrong to want your child to succeed. The principal seemed to think that I was talking about this behind DS2's back...NOPE. We are honest with him - he knows what we expect. We give him great kudos for doing his best - which is not A's all the time - and that is just fine. Seriously. I just want him to learn to achieve...something...anything. Instead he sits at the bar and tells me "I just have to turn in the paper. It doesn't matter at all if any of them are right".
I can't argue with that because it's true. He's been turning in blatantly wrong homework all year and NOT ONCE has anyone but me noticed. It gets stamped "practice" and sent back home. So, how do I sell that to him? How do I convince him that it's important to do your best when no one else seems to care? How?
Egads...I sound like a negative Nelly. I don't like that.
So, the good is that DD started a new dance class and really liked it - so she's tumbling and dancing through the rest of winter/spring - highly anticipating her first season of competitive softball coming in August. DS2 is ready for his winter indoor flag football league and upcoming track season and DS1 is playing basketball, slightly overlapping the start of his last baseball season before trying out for high school. AND - we registered for middle school for DS2 and high school registration is next week for DS1. See...so much fun...and weirdly, I'm a little sad to see it all going so fast.
We are debating our options for DS2 right now. DH and I are supporting each other through this. The goal is to find a school environment that will give him more one on one instruction, hold him more accountable and give him one more year to gain maturity (really, I am not excited about the concept of him in a locker room with 50 boys that are heads taller than him...not worried about him...worried for THEM)...that means public middle school is not the best option and we know that. We'll figure it out and have some things percolating! At least there is something out there...I just have to find it!
The beginning of a new year is often hectic around here. Lots of new activities start and many plans seem to come together. I actually like the madness a bit. I love to see my kids active and 'doing'...although we are still deep in winter (what is with this cold...10 degrees for a high is NOT something I enjoy), it starts to feel like a melt is happening at my house. I know the holidays are important and such an integral part of family life - but really...it's basically just a time for me to lose track of what day of the week it is and often, pray for school to start again!
I was happy to see my kids jump right back into the thick of things - bringing homework home on day one of going back...that's what I like to see. However, it underlined, yet again, that DS2 is falling behind. I'm back to fighting the good fight. I went to see the principal where I was told that it's good for a parent to 'let their child fail' - to which I replied:
GREAT - NOW TELL SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY FAIL HIM!!!!!!!
There was no response. It seems that to leave no child behind means that no child has to learn what should be learned. I'm frustrated. I look at his work and wonder how he's 'average'? I was also told (in 'school talk') that I had expectations that were too high for him. This was after I pointed out that not one week this year has he copied his 15 spelling words from the board to his planner correctly. Not once. Often they are so mispelled that I can't even decipher what word it might be. So, the answer seems to be to set the bar lower...maybe he can only be responsible for writing 10 words correctly...and I should, apparently, share these lowered expectations with him.
Yes, I know that parenting a child with 'special needs' is different - but I do not agree with lowering the bar to the level he wants to achieve. I just wonder when it became wrong to want your child to succeed. The principal seemed to think that I was talking about this behind DS2's back...NOPE. We are honest with him - he knows what we expect. We give him great kudos for doing his best - which is not A's all the time - and that is just fine. Seriously. I just want him to learn to achieve...something...anything. Instead he sits at the bar and tells me "I just have to turn in the paper. It doesn't matter at all if any of them are right".
I can't argue with that because it's true. He's been turning in blatantly wrong homework all year and NOT ONCE has anyone but me noticed. It gets stamped "practice" and sent back home. So, how do I sell that to him? How do I convince him that it's important to do your best when no one else seems to care? How?
Egads...I sound like a negative Nelly. I don't like that.
So, the good is that DD started a new dance class and really liked it - so she's tumbling and dancing through the rest of winter/spring - highly anticipating her first season of competitive softball coming in August. DS2 is ready for his winter indoor flag football league and upcoming track season and DS1 is playing basketball, slightly overlapping the start of his last baseball season before trying out for high school. AND - we registered for middle school for DS2 and high school registration is next week for DS1. See...so much fun...and weirdly, I'm a little sad to see it all going so fast.
We are debating our options for DS2 right now. DH and I are supporting each other through this. The goal is to find a school environment that will give him more one on one instruction, hold him more accountable and give him one more year to gain maturity (really, I am not excited about the concept of him in a locker room with 50 boys that are heads taller than him...not worried about him...worried for THEM)...that means public middle school is not the best option and we know that. We'll figure it out and have some things percolating! At least there is something out there...I just have to find it!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Oh, what a lovely eye you have...
Christmas is over and we are home from family in Missouri. The good stuff is what I'm choosing to remember and dwell on...I got to see family that I rarely see...I got to see my grandparents and due to a snow storm got to spend more time with them than I expected...I got to see dear friends that I rarely get to see in person...I got to see my husband supporting me through the stuff that happens everytime I go home.
Sadly, I find myself saying the same thing that I say every year - "Why do I go home for this?"...our adoption is still not a favorite topic in my family...and heaven forbid I try to speak honestly about issues we are going through. Apparently, everyone in life changes - except me. I must still be the exact same person I was 25+ years ago...because no one credits me for anything positive. Why, as children, do we feel that we have to hang on? It's hard to let a parent go...you know. I should be a pro - I've done it with one parent...oh well...it's just sad.
I looked into my future and hoped for more brilliant times with my children when they are grown. Who knows?
DD didn't have a great Christmas - poor baby. She had nothing on her list that we allow...and she doesn't play with toys - so our options were limited. Of course, she was disappointed to not get all the swag she thought she'd get and was tired of the things she did get in about 10 minutes. I do, honestly, feel so badly for her...I want her to play and enjoy life. However, DS2 did awesome - he can keep himself busy and really loved his gifts - ESPECIALLY his iPod! And DS1 really acted remotely polite during all our visiting with folks. That's a gift in itself!
I hope that each and every one of you had a GREAT holiday...with love and happiness surrounding you (or at least no blood and major tears)! Welcome in 2010...I'm excited to do so with friends and kids. I even bought the 2010 glasses...because really...it's the last year for those for awhile, right? How do you find a place for 2 eye holes in 2011...or 2012...maybe in 2013, they'll make the bottom of the 3 have a hole...but there is a limit to where you can put eyeholes, I would think. So, unless you are a cyclops - buy the 2010 glasses NOW!
Sadly, I find myself saying the same thing that I say every year - "Why do I go home for this?"...our adoption is still not a favorite topic in my family...and heaven forbid I try to speak honestly about issues we are going through. Apparently, everyone in life changes - except me. I must still be the exact same person I was 25+ years ago...because no one credits me for anything positive. Why, as children, do we feel that we have to hang on? It's hard to let a parent go...you know. I should be a pro - I've done it with one parent...oh well...it's just sad.
I looked into my future and hoped for more brilliant times with my children when they are grown. Who knows?
DD didn't have a great Christmas - poor baby. She had nothing on her list that we allow...and she doesn't play with toys - so our options were limited. Of course, she was disappointed to not get all the swag she thought she'd get and was tired of the things she did get in about 10 minutes. I do, honestly, feel so badly for her...I want her to play and enjoy life. However, DS2 did awesome - he can keep himself busy and really loved his gifts - ESPECIALLY his iPod! And DS1 really acted remotely polite during all our visiting with folks. That's a gift in itself!
I hope that each and every one of you had a GREAT holiday...with love and happiness surrounding you (or at least no blood and major tears)! Welcome in 2010...I'm excited to do so with friends and kids. I even bought the 2010 glasses...because really...it's the last year for those for awhile, right? How do you find a place for 2 eye holes in 2011...or 2012...maybe in 2013, they'll make the bottom of the 3 have a hole...but there is a limit to where you can put eyeholes, I would think. So, unless you are a cyclops - buy the 2010 glasses NOW!
Friday, December 18, 2009
really...you?
What is it that happens to a kid somewhere around month 156 of their existence? You know they turn 13 and an alien takes over their brain or at least their mouth. I've only been the mother of a teen for 3 months...and I hate it. Generally and specifically...I don't like it one bit.
He just stood in my kitchen and yelled at me - more like screamed...through tears and the whole bit. Very uncool in my opinion. He is mad. That pretty much sums it up. He's just mad. I had to explain to him that our house isn't a democracy - I am the authoratative ruler and sometimes I let DH sit on the throne. But, him? Nope...no throne for him. And, we don't have princes or princesses either...just me - the Queen.
While he was screaming at me - he was telling me how much I scream at him. Hmmmm...interesting theory. Patently false - unless you count when I have to scream at him up the stairs to simply get him to eat or leave or anything else. His room is like a superhero's hang-0ut - totally soundproof...however, the door can come off the hinges and that might be next.
I could write a list of all the other terrible things I've done. Number one being (I swear this is his words)
"I could go in a five mile radius and not find a single other parent who asks their kids about their social lives. You want to know who my friends are and who I'm 'dating' and you ask me at least once every three days. NO ONE else does that to their kids. NO ONE."
Perhaps I should post his email here so that you other parents of teens can reply and let him know that actually - I'm not the only one. I think every three days is even pushing it a bit...but I always thought it showed I cared. I'll have to remember this when I decide to pull his hair out at the root to drug test him - that pesky chatting would have stemmed the tide that might lead there.
On a serious note he told me he feels depressed. With my bi-polar I do worry about that. I wonder if it could be sneaking in...I know I had 'it' in my teens. So, perhaps another doctor is about to enter our world.
During his tirade he told me I'm a very unhappy person - ME. Come on now...I actually am feeling pretty darn positive lately. I sing Christmas carols (loudly and off key), I laugh about things that used to make me cry and I still love all my children - some days that is the biggest hurdle to climb!!! So, I told him if he thinks I'm unhappy now - just imagine what a great mood I'll be in after being yelled at by a 13 year old.
He just stood in my kitchen and yelled at me - more like screamed...through tears and the whole bit. Very uncool in my opinion. He is mad. That pretty much sums it up. He's just mad. I had to explain to him that our house isn't a democracy - I am the authoratative ruler and sometimes I let DH sit on the throne. But, him? Nope...no throne for him. And, we don't have princes or princesses either...just me - the Queen.
While he was screaming at me - he was telling me how much I scream at him. Hmmmm...interesting theory. Patently false - unless you count when I have to scream at him up the stairs to simply get him to eat or leave or anything else. His room is like a superhero's hang-0ut - totally soundproof...however, the door can come off the hinges and that might be next.
I could write a list of all the other terrible things I've done. Number one being (I swear this is his words)
"I could go in a five mile radius and not find a single other parent who asks their kids about their social lives. You want to know who my friends are and who I'm 'dating' and you ask me at least once every three days. NO ONE else does that to their kids. NO ONE."
Perhaps I should post his email here so that you other parents of teens can reply and let him know that actually - I'm not the only one. I think every three days is even pushing it a bit...but I always thought it showed I cared. I'll have to remember this when I decide to pull his hair out at the root to drug test him - that pesky chatting would have stemmed the tide that might lead there.
On a serious note he told me he feels depressed. With my bi-polar I do worry about that. I wonder if it could be sneaking in...I know I had 'it' in my teens. So, perhaps another doctor is about to enter our world.
During his tirade he told me I'm a very unhappy person - ME. Come on now...I actually am feeling pretty darn positive lately. I sing Christmas carols (loudly and off key), I laugh about things that used to make me cry and I still love all my children - some days that is the biggest hurdle to climb!!! So, I told him if he thinks I'm unhappy now - just imagine what a great mood I'll be in after being yelled at by a 13 year old.
Friday, December 11, 2009
is this the up or the down?
As is well known around here...life is a constant up and down. Generally if one kid is 'up', the other is 'down'. I must say we've had a very downward slide lately - and quite honestly, it's been all three kids.
Things have happened around here that I never expected - and wow...you would think I couldn't be surprised by much anymore. DS2 and DD coordinated a strange 'attack' on my dog the other night...there are a lot more details - but it just wasn't good. Max is fine...although perhaps emotionally scarred. We've got new standards in place to keep children and dogs separated. My poor dogs can't figure out why they can't go upstairs anymore...
There were two days of complete shock and awe around here. Tempers flare - not at the kids...in fact, it's been creepily quiet - mostly because I just have nothing to say. Tempers are directed at DH and me...we get angry with each other. Although that's not true...we are just angry at where we are sometimes. Every time we say, "I just never thought this would happen", I feel like it's a jinx - a way of asking for another much BIGGER shoe to drop.
However, we sat down in our quiet house and really talked. We opened up about what we can still handle and what we can't. We cleaned up our holiday business deciding what was still on and what might need to be off. I shared my frustration at the fact that when we have to clamp down tighter - it generally means me missing things I was looking forward to. I don't like the idea of losing my own life because of their choices...but hey, I don't like the idea of doing much with them either.
We came up with a plan - which mainly consists of no more talking. Lecturing, yelling, making deals, setting expectations...none of it works. We have to take what we've learned in attachment therapy and apply it. We have to find out what avenues are available to us and be honest about what we can still 'do' for our kids. In NO WAY am I saying we are giving up - but there is an obvious need for a break...
Answers aren't easy to come by - but I sure am glad we are looking for them together.
Then, the up...my kids are suddenly REALLY polite when they realize just how busted they are...and it feels rather good since this time - I didn't even open my mouth.
Things have happened around here that I never expected - and wow...you would think I couldn't be surprised by much anymore. DS2 and DD coordinated a strange 'attack' on my dog the other night...there are a lot more details - but it just wasn't good. Max is fine...although perhaps emotionally scarred. We've got new standards in place to keep children and dogs separated. My poor dogs can't figure out why they can't go upstairs anymore...
There were two days of complete shock and awe around here. Tempers flare - not at the kids...in fact, it's been creepily quiet - mostly because I just have nothing to say. Tempers are directed at DH and me...we get angry with each other. Although that's not true...we are just angry at where we are sometimes. Every time we say, "I just never thought this would happen", I feel like it's a jinx - a way of asking for another much BIGGER shoe to drop.
However, we sat down in our quiet house and really talked. We opened up about what we can still handle and what we can't. We cleaned up our holiday business deciding what was still on and what might need to be off. I shared my frustration at the fact that when we have to clamp down tighter - it generally means me missing things I was looking forward to. I don't like the idea of losing my own life because of their choices...but hey, I don't like the idea of doing much with them either.
We came up with a plan - which mainly consists of no more talking. Lecturing, yelling, making deals, setting expectations...none of it works. We have to take what we've learned in attachment therapy and apply it. We have to find out what avenues are available to us and be honest about what we can still 'do' for our kids. In NO WAY am I saying we are giving up - but there is an obvious need for a break...
Answers aren't easy to come by - but I sure am glad we are looking for them together.
Then, the up...my kids are suddenly REALLY polite when they realize just how busted they are...and it feels rather good since this time - I didn't even open my mouth.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Strict-ly speaking
I'm in the holiday spirit this year...which means I got everything done really early...therefore, I have nothing left to do. Tends to bring out the shopper in me. Bad.
So, I'm even staying away from the stores...otherwise my children would get spoiled and sometimes I already feel they are.
I was talking with my grandma yesterday and I mentioned that DD thinks we are quite strict. My grandma says "well, you are much stricter than most parents". I'm just wondering who, exactly, she is comparing me to? I want my kids to grow up to be respectable adults...so I don't let them get away with things now that won't benefit them in the future. See, I don't call that strict. However, I realize that I don't match up with many other parents out there in the world. When I take my kids places - they sit and pay attention...well, I guess I can't force the attention part - but they fake it well.
We went to a basketball game (NBA) the other day - in fact it was on our four year family day. As I've said before - DH and I are huge sports fans...really get into certain teams and are huge fans of our hometown bball team. The kids are 'fans'...watch when it's on...know the player's names - but not overly so. Anyway, went to the game and DD couldn't sit still. I took her up to walk around the arena once and then made it clear that cheering was great - dancing during breaks was cool, but wiggling in your seat was not. Strict? Once she had a treat, she settled in and eventually got tired. I will admit, it was a VERY boring game. We got up by over 20 within the 1st quarter and well...it didn't get any closer.
So...we are heading home for the holidays...the ACTUAL holidays. In years past, we go for 3 days either before or after Christmas. This year we are going for 7 days - over Christmas. And, now I know that they think I'm too strict. So, I could go one of three ways...really lay off and let my kids run wild and pay for it for weeks afterward...or tighten down even moreso and really give the family something to talk about...or three - just be me. Just be the family we always are. I gotta say that my kids know us...they know what they can and can't do and they know the results will be the same every time. I am not ashamed of that. So STRICT is now a title I'll wear proudly!
So, I'm even staying away from the stores...otherwise my children would get spoiled and sometimes I already feel they are.
I was talking with my grandma yesterday and I mentioned that DD thinks we are quite strict. My grandma says "well, you are much stricter than most parents". I'm just wondering who, exactly, she is comparing me to? I want my kids to grow up to be respectable adults...so I don't let them get away with things now that won't benefit them in the future. See, I don't call that strict. However, I realize that I don't match up with many other parents out there in the world. When I take my kids places - they sit and pay attention...well, I guess I can't force the attention part - but they fake it well.
We went to a basketball game (NBA) the other day - in fact it was on our four year family day. As I've said before - DH and I are huge sports fans...really get into certain teams and are huge fans of our hometown bball team. The kids are 'fans'...watch when it's on...know the player's names - but not overly so. Anyway, went to the game and DD couldn't sit still. I took her up to walk around the arena once and then made it clear that cheering was great - dancing during breaks was cool, but wiggling in your seat was not. Strict? Once she had a treat, she settled in and eventually got tired. I will admit, it was a VERY boring game. We got up by over 20 within the 1st quarter and well...it didn't get any closer.
So...we are heading home for the holidays...the ACTUAL holidays. In years past, we go for 3 days either before or after Christmas. This year we are going for 7 days - over Christmas. And, now I know that they think I'm too strict. So, I could go one of three ways...really lay off and let my kids run wild and pay for it for weeks afterward...or tighten down even moreso and really give the family something to talk about...or three - just be me. Just be the family we always are. I gotta say that my kids know us...they know what they can and can't do and they know the results will be the same every time. I am not ashamed of that. So STRICT is now a title I'll wear proudly!
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