I can't seem to stop thinking lately. I know that we never stop thinking, but I can't stop with my big thoughts and let me say that those thoughts have not always been at the forefront of my daily brain activity. I'm ok with the grappling nature in my brain lately, except I wish it would let me sleep more! In reverance to that great man with great dreams - I will now share my Deep Thoughts (although I'm not standing in front of a mirror like Stuart Smalley always did).
When I worked at the elementary school we were supposed to have the children use I statements during confrontations. "I am sad that I haven't gotten to use the jumprope, because I was looking forward to playing with you" - instead of the typical "you aren't taking turns and you are making me mad". I thought at the time that it was silly...and hard for the kids. But, I know realize that it's true. Can other people really be responsible for our feelings, especially the negative ones? Yes, the jerk that cuts you off on the highway can give you a flare of anger, but is it possibly because you are in a hurry and stressed out and looking for somewhere to put your anger. In that same vein, have these last years of hurt and sorrow really been that for me? I continue to say I'm sad FOR MY KIDS that they aren't making good choices, but aren't I sad for me too? Aren't I sad that I lost the dream of what I though I'd have? Did I let that sadness/anger/resentment boil up to make some of the smaller things they do into bigger things?
When I was 14, my family and I lost our home and all our possessions to a fire on Christmas night. I think my mind has protected me from a lot of that time, because strangely, I remember so many good things. I remember that my friends all gathered their new clothes from Christmas and gave them to me without the thought of anything in return. I remember that our family had to cram into a much smaller house in the small town where we went to school and I could no longer hide in my room to be alone. I know that I got closer to friends that summer because I wasn't 'way out on the farm' anymore and I could just walk to their houses. I know that I never took a fear of fire away from that. I just don't believe that 'lightning strikes twice' in that way. And, I know I wasn't the adult there. It effected them differently...they were much more sad, they were really starting over. We would go to the site and go through the ashes hoping to find something, anything that survived. We did find one thing (and it's the only one I remember, but my family may remember more) and it was a small statue of a little girl on her knees praying. My grandmother had painted in to match my room years before and it had always sat on a shelf in my bedroom and there it was - all the paint melted totally off and only one tiny chip in the knee. It was amazing! The brass bed in my room was gone completely, melted until it no longer existed...but that little girl, she was ok. I know my mom was touched by her existence and she took her to prayer meetings and bible studies and one day when opening her car door, the little girl slipped to the ground and broke into many pieces. Mom glued it back together and I'm sure she still has it somewhere...but while it was sad to lose that last piece of what we had before, I always felt like it was meant to be that way. The little girl was part of that house, she was strong and was there to tell us that we weren't left all alone. Whether you believe in God or not, it's always nice to feel you aren't alone...and she did that for us for a time. I think that people, I, have to search within myself for that strength though and so, she left us again.
In sticking with that great man again...I'd like to end with these thoughts which I am (seriously) taking with me each and every day!...I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with. And maybe, just maybe - it'll rub off on my kids!!!