My son, the one who can barely communicate with me on most occasions, the one who has been begging to leave us for a long time now - offered this deep statement this weekend. Not to me.
My best friend took him on Sunday. They spent the day watching cart racing and during the course of the day he shared the information that he is 'going away' this summer. She knew it, of course she did...as my best friend she gets the brunt of many emotionally hand wringing times, but she had not shared with him that she knew. She asked him some questions, all answered in clear tones and with the authority of knowing what you want to say. One of these questions was 'how do you feel about it?' - to which he responded without missing a beat.
"It's what's best for everyone."
I have felt sadness over this comment. He's right. It is what is best for everyone in our family. It could actually be what is going to save our family. We have probably said something to that affect during our many talks with him about this...trying to take the pressure off him feeling like it's all 'his fault' - I know I've said it...
We all need this.
It's a chance for everyone to re-group.
But, he had never reacted in a way that made me think he took that in. Until she told me about this conversation today. I wish we could communicate more. He did want this and we did not. We certainly did not choose this option because he wanted it. He's a child and cannot make these decisions on his own...but he can - and he did - work very hard to make the other options break down.
DD is melting in on herself lately. She was doing so good...so darn good...and I was expecting the crash that I knew would come on from this situation. She doesn't seem to be fearful - what a relief. I was terrified that she would assume we were sending her away - I didn't know if she'd understand what was really going on with DS2. She seems to get the concept. Her biggest issue is that she won't have him to play with anymore...than a little something slipped out.
In the car - she's pouting/crying/trying to make me wreck...
DD: Once he's at school, I won't have anyone to play with
Me: You'll be fine - we all hang out with you and you are making more friends...plus, it will be a good thing for you to be able to play without being bossed around so much.
DD: And, my hair won't burn.
Me: (here's the wrecking part - including the bleeped out word when I nearly crashed) WHAT?
DD: When I didn't play the way he wanted me to, he said he'd sneak into my room and light my hair on fire. But, it was just a joke...he always laughed. When you laugh it means you were joking, right?
Me: That's not a joke.
It's like little pieces of a life I didn't even know about are seeping out through the cracks. I'm still hoping that the time away will seal up some of the cracks.