Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My cape is torn

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I have some wonderful people in my life. I'm now learning that even some strangers I come into contact with can have an impact. Of course, I'm a loud mouth and right now - I'm on a mission.

Adoption issues are everywhere - really...

I run in adoption circles where people are struggling and I'm sure there are whole groups of people out there touched by adoption who have no issues to speak of...but I firmly believe they are the minority.

Read some blogs of adoptees...there is sadness, loss, grief and even anger there. For a long time I felt mad at them. HOW COULD THEY be mad that someone adopted them? How could they be judgemental of a process that gave them a family? I often termed them 'angry adoptees' and then I started to realize that I am, more than likely, raising adoptees who will still be wounded when they are grown up. Maybe my kids will blog or write or simply talk about their lives, both before and after adoption, and it probably won't be wonderful. I know it won't...because it isn't. When you look at a child and they want nothing more than to be away from you - is there any answer for that?

I don't think there is one that can make you out to be a hero. And, yes, somewhere deep down I wish I could put on a cape and be Superwoman. Ha...no cape in sight!

I'm telling people about our plan for DS2. I have to. Much like adopting older children, it is generally a story you have to tell...it's not like you can suddenly show up with 3 kids instead of 1 and expect people to believe you simply never mentioned them before. So, in about six weeks, he won't be with us anymore. We'll still go to baseball games, hikes, school events and dinners with friends and he won't be there. It's not exactly something I can hide.

And, back to being blessed. Not a soul I've told IRL has seemed judgemental. I'm sure they go home and probably wonder how you can send your son that far away right now. I'm sure they question whether or not they would 'do that'. But, they are supportive to my face. It would be ok if they weren't. It's the right choice for us.

This weekend I told someone about it and learned his story. He was raised in foster care. I sat and listened to a man speak that I firmly believe could by my son someday. He explained his fear of having a family to care for him. He explained his behaviors and why that felt safer. He said that he'd always felt that from DS2...he'd kinda always known. He's a dad now...and a partner to a lovely woman...but he still has issues with being close to someone. I'm proud to know him and truthfully, tears spring to my eyes each time I think that DS2 could have that future...it's more than I've dared dream for him before.

So, I'm busying myself with preparations and the ritual of moving someone. I'm making shopping lists and airline reservations...and I'm thinking about him. This is a child that I am not giving up on...I'm just letting tie to him hang a little looser. His relief is enough to tell me that he needs this too right now.

When asked what our hopes are for an outcome - all I can think is - I want him to feel safe and healthy. I want him to succeed in whatever way works for him. I want him to at least be able to say when he grows up that I did not have a superhero cape, but also - no devil horns.


  1. In hind sight, I wish we had considered this alternative. Last weekend our DS1 and DS2 (both RAD who are now adults out on their own) came home to watch their little sister get ready for the prom. DS1 told his brother, "Mom sure is nicer now that we don't live with her." Seems like you're doing the best thing for all of you.

  2. I so admire how well you express yourself about this; both to illustrate your own family situation and to let others learn and benefit from it. We are so often taught that success in a family requires everyone to be together. But sometimes being apart makes for a stronger family and a stronger future for some family members.

    This family is also struggling with what's the best thing going forward for our older. While the wonderful alternative school has seemed to be a blessing, social issues remain a thorn that could jeopardize even that. So other situations similar to what you've chosen for DS2 (and he's also apparently chosen) are still on the table here.

  3. Gosh I dont know what to say. I check in every so often but wasnt ready for this announcement..
    All I can think of is how I wish I could give you a big long all encompassing hug.I cannot begin to comprehend the emotions that you all mustve gone through.Just want you to know I support you from afar with all my heart.I know it wasnt a decision you made lightly but now thats its been made I can say Im so relieved for you . for him. I raised a RAD foster child (way before my own kids) and to watch her now as a grown woman with her own kids its like nothing has changed. ON one hand she is the same- pulling away, ready to step over my dead body if need be, but then functioning so
    "normal" She actually seems happy although its a word I would define much differently from most people. She IS happy as much she can be & her life is good. I wish this for your son as well. Please keep in touch here or privately. I'm here to talk or listen or laugh or cry. Watching your journey has been heartwrenching but you are doing the right thing. Maybe this will be a new step in getting him healed. Good to see you too Jim!

  4. Rainyinga@aol.com in case you dont have it!;)