Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Mom issues

We have actually had nice weather...even a day where the kids could wear shorts without freezing to death. I've been able to sit at a couple of baseball games without a winter coat on...

However, I realize that this could change at any moment. We live in a gorgeous place with a very real chance of snow every month except July and August...the change is ok with me.

We live with quick change every day - in many more ways than the weather.

I was thinking about the future yesterday on my walk. We don't know for sure where we'll be and we often talk about retirement and where we'd want to live. I consistently say that I will base it on where our children are...I want to be involved in my grandkids lives and I want to see my children succeed. Especially in relationships. But, I know they may not want me there. I wonder how that actually feels. I know multiple women who've been cut out by grown kids - both RAD and 'mainstream'. I know that I've done so many things that (especially DS2) can and will view as negative. Will he not want me even then?

Of course, I can't help but mix into these thoughts the fact that my mother and I are estranged again. It's a roller coaster ride, but I did not choose it. As a mother - even a mother of troubled kids (which I suppose I probably was/am) - I cannot fathom cutting them off completely. What would be the reasons? I'll admit that I would have trouble with major committing of crimes. I may not be the first in line at a prison gate or sitting right behind the defense table during a trial. I am not sure I would 'get that'...and I wouldn't want to hear excuses for why my child could not help it. I'm not sure how I would do with drug addiction. Then again, you can't aid and abet if that happens. I know that I would be able to 'intervene' to let them know that I wasn't going to help them until they were clean. Beyond that - I can't imagine what would make me totally cut them off.

Religious differences wouldn't do it (ok, if they decided to take up the flag of jihad...I'd have issues with that)...and lifestyle choices wouldn't do it (although I also would be sure they came to MY house for dinners if they chose to live in a mud hut in a desert)...but those are my transgressions. Going on five months without a call or anything from my mother - and I have decided that this time (compared to the 100s of times before that she's done this) - I'm not making the first move. I have to deal with the fact that this could be long-term. And, I can't imagine doing it to my kids.

We've laughed that I'm probably RAD. Heavens knows that I'm a carbon copy in so many ways - or vice versa - of all DD's issues. I told her the other day that we are very much alike and she started listing the ways...thankfully the list included good stuff...not just our 'crazies'.

I hope that all my kids want me in their lives. I hope they want me for more than just a babysitter (although I'll do that with a 48 hour limit)! I hope that we can sit down when they are adults and I'm open to talking through the issues they feel I've created in them and they are ready to hear the more grown-up version of events. I hope that I love them for what they become and I hope they love me for what I've always been.

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