My mom called me. Shouldn't be a big thing...but we hadn't spoken in almost 6 months and well, it's usually me that calls first. So, it was a deal - although I tried hard not to make it a big one.
We talked for a while. It just doesn't feel like I wish it did.
And, then my sister crashed in. I'm pretty sure it will never feel like I hoped it would again.
My sister is a hateful, spiteful person. She has been rude and nasty to me for as long as she has been old enough to be those things. I have always longed for a relationship with her...probably because she is so attached to my mom and I also long for a relationship with my mom. But, today I realized (again...and who knows if this big revelation will stick?) that will probably never happen. We are just too different.
I see those clips of dogs raising kittens or monkeys raising bear cubs...and I wonder how it's possible for my family to hate me so.
My sister actually likes to let me know that NO she doesn't care what I do or did, because basically she doesn't even think about me enough to care. Is that supposed to be soothing?
So...tough morning after getting a not kind email from said sister (for those who know my sisters, this is not the sweet little blonde) - I cried. DH couldn't understand it and pointed out all the hurtful things she has done to me. All the times she ignored us, too busy to even call back when I tried to reach out...but I still mourn. I spent some time typing a response which I was happy with. It said what is true - that I'm hurt and tired of being so - and wrapped up with the fact that I am choosing to have people in my life that lift me up, not bring me down. I guess it was my ending to a long and troubled road. In that ending, I believe that so follows my ending of getting to talk to my mom as well.
As I wanted to say tonight after her new response (I was SO HOPING she would just read mine and let it go)...she and my mother seem very symbiotic...there isn't room in there for me.
All this to get to...
DS2 and I had a date today. We needed to go shopping for the last of his stuff for school. In one week we'll be taking him to KY and he'll be starting what I hope to be a fabulous year of growth and healing.
As we drove to the mall he asked me if I had been crying at breakfast.
Well, not crying AT breakfast, but yes, I was crying before hand.
I got hurt by Aunt XXX again. It's just enough and I cried because I'm going to miss thinking that we could be close. But, we can't.
I'm sorry she hurt your feelings again.
I'm sorry that we've hurt each other's feelings. I hope and pray I've never made you feel like I don't love you. It stinks to think someone who is supposed to love you, doesn't. It really hurts.
DS2: You should just be happy that you have people here who love you.
And, I honestly believe that somewhere deep down - he meant him.