Saturday, May 29, 2010

The ties that bind

My mom called me. Shouldn't be a big thing...but we hadn't spoken in almost 6 months and well, it's usually me that calls first. So, it was a deal - although I tried hard not to make it a big one.

We talked for a while. It just doesn't feel like I wish it did.

And, then my sister crashed in. I'm pretty sure it will never feel like I hoped it would again.

My sister is a hateful, spiteful person. She has been rude and nasty to me for as long as she has been old enough to be those things. I have always longed for a relationship with her...probably because she is so attached to my mom and I also long for a relationship with my mom. But, today I realized (again...and who knows if this big revelation will stick?) that will probably never happen. We are just too different.

I see those clips of dogs raising kittens or monkeys raising bear cubs...and I wonder how it's possible for my family to hate me so.

My sister actually likes to let me know that NO she doesn't care what I do or did, because basically she doesn't even think about me enough to care. Is that supposed to be soothing?

So...tough morning after getting a not kind email from said sister (for those who know my sisters, this is not the sweet little blonde) - I cried. DH couldn't understand it and pointed out all the hurtful things she has done to me. All the times she ignored us, too busy to even call back when I tried to reach out...but I still mourn. I spent some time typing a response which I was happy with. It said what is true - that I'm hurt and tired of being so - and wrapped up with the fact that I am choosing to have people in my life that lift me up, not bring me down. I guess it was my ending to a long and troubled road. In that ending, I believe that so follows my ending of getting to talk to my mom as well.

As I wanted to say tonight after her new response (I was SO HOPING she would just read mine and let it go)...she and my mother seem very symbiotic...there isn't room in there for me.

All this to get to...
DS2 and I had a date today. We needed to go shopping for the last of his stuff for school. In one week we'll be taking him to KY and he'll be starting what I hope to be a fabulous year of growth and healing.

As we drove to the mall he asked me if I had been crying at breakfast.

Well, not crying AT breakfast, but yes, I was crying before hand.

What happened?

I got hurt by Aunt XXX again. It's just enough and I cried because I'm going to miss thinking that we could be close. But, we can't.

I'm sorry she hurt your feelings again.

I'm sorry that we've hurt each other's feelings. I hope and pray I've never made you feel like I don't love you. It stinks to think someone who is supposed to love you, doesn't. It really hurts.

DS2: You should just be happy that you have people here who love you.

And, I honestly believe that somewhere deep down - he meant him.

1 comment:

  1. Just because you have sibling does not mean they will like/love you. I have one sister and the relationship is one of polar opposites at best. I love my sister (I am the older) I really do but her lifestyle (at times) and choices are not the best for the most part. She raised 2 (twins) beautiful daughters (single parent) and while they were little I was worried for their safety (physical and emotional). The people she choose to have in her life were questionable to say the least. She never understood why I would get so angry with her over the kids, she always thought it was pure jealousy because I did not have children. She also saw life totally different, we came from the same set of citcumstances (our mom died when we were 5 & 7) and our father took off a few days after her funeral. We went to live with our grandparents (maternal) and she thought they loved me more and she really thought I lived the princess life and it was actually quite the opposite. We have had many talks about our relationship and its jsut that we hang out with different crowds, I am married and have a small son (adopted from Russia) and now we are in different places in life. It does not change the fact that we are sisters, or our background and maybe we should be closer due to our history but we are not. We are what we are and I have gone on with my life and we talk, see each other once in while and still argue once in a while. She has made me look like the bad guy to her friends and our family, like the total bitch, the perfect child and it is all so far from the truth. BUT, I know I cannot change the past, she will always think this of me, I stay away from those trigger conversations and tolerate her when we are together. Mu husband has a hard time when she is around. She now does not hestitate to tell me what a bad mother I am (if I yell or correct my son for something) or GIVE ME MOTHERING ADVICE (that's a joke) or continually tells me I am mean (if I say no to my son in front of her) in front of my son. It's like she has an axe to grind and she will get her snarky comments out there. She constantly brings up things from our childhood that I did to her (whatever) and I say leave it alone and live in the present. So, i guess I am saying you are not the only one with sister problems but your son is right, appreciate who and what is in your life now, they love you. You cannot force someone like you or love you, it is what it is, sad but true. I also choose to live in a different state than my family, for alot of reasons. You will be OK, you have a different life now. Sharon (in NC)