Oh my...I really don't get my DD. I try to understand and maybe that's the first step I need to take - understanding may be impossible. She sabotages any and all happiness. Mostly her own happiness. I watch her at therapy and she can't stop fidgeting - dealing with her real feelings is so hard for her. She'll agree with him that she should try to do XXX or not do XXX...and then, five minutes later, we are back to square one. It's mostly the control. She seems to be at an all time high (although I think I've said that before - so don't quote me) about needing desperately to be in control of everything and everyone. She came to me two nights ago to tell me that she has another loose permanent tooth and she thinks that Dad should just rip it out. She doesn't deserve that tooth. When I pointed out that she'd never have another (a conversation I've now had a million times and still can't process) - she, once again, seemed shocked. Perhaps the Lord himself is supposed to be under her control - if she wants another tooth to come in - why not? I have begun pointing out to her when she's working hard to get negative attention by saying "wow, you really are putting in some effort to get me mad/frustrated at you...I think you should put that energy to better use" and then I make her go write or do a chore or play outside. She argues about everything and I'm of the camp that if I engage in an argument with a 9 year old - I'm going to win. I try to not engage...but sometimes I have a mental break and yes, it's worth it to argue about stupid little things. Later I realize how stupid it was...
Bright spot alert: DS2 is still rockin...he's really doing well. His only lingering annoyance is the soft talking - he gets some kind of high from people saying "what?"...now I'm ignoring or asking him to write it down. However, he doesn't seem to be tiring of writing it down...so, maybe it's not working? He's getting good grades and seems interested in school work (BIG step) and he's pleasant most of the time. I know that he's hoping for some restrictions to be lifted and we are starting to think about that. We have decided to let him join a track team this spring and I must say that it's the first time I've ever seen him passionate and excited about something. He's checking out books about track and field, telling everyone he sees about it and he's working out. The team sent a pre-season training manual and he's going for it...actually read it and is following the daily structure they have set out. Here's a biggie - he skipped his Xbox time (he gets 30 minutes on school nights) to work out because our schedule was hectic last night!
Speaking of last night - DD got to return to cheer/tumbling at a new gym. Week 2 and she acted like a fool...trying to show off for every coach on the floor and not completing the tasks she needs to complete. In some strange way it was good because her coach can now see that what I told her is not crazy...my DD the great manipulator...showed her colors last night. As I'm tired and this is her 3rd chance at this activity - it's one more mess up and we're done. I keep returning because she is good/gifted in that arena and I want her to feel proud of herself. There isn't a lot for her to show pride in...I'm not a good faker and won't congratulate her on something that she doesn't work hard at (please note: I did not say she has to excel...she must try hard)...but, she's blowing it! We are back to sabotaging her own life. Can it be true that a 9 year old can ruin her future? She's so young...please pray that she can learn to let go and let us help her. She needs to accept help.
DS1 is on his school's basketball team. He was disappointed to make the C team - but this is his first basketball experience and a lot of these other boys have been playing for years. That season runs concurrently with baseball for him - so lots of practices and little time for anything else. As long as homework gets done...I think maybe a break from social stuff would be ok! He still has that typical early teen streak (crud, he's not even 13 yet!) of nastiness and disrespect...but I think he's figuring out that we aren't standing for it. He has sweet days (ok, maybe hours) and has been reaching out more to hang out with DS2. Admittedly, it's hard for anyone to hang with DD right now...
So, life goes on day by day. I'm being as positive as I can be and hoping to rub it off on everyone in this home. Life is so startling, there is little time for anything else - my new favorite quote by Emily Dickenson!
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The thing that worked for me on the mumbling, I got from dh (who actually is hard of hearing and often does not wear his hearing aids in the evening) I just pretend I didn't hear anything until it's said loudly and clearly enough for me to understand it. He finally gave up on the mumbling when it got no reaction. Now if could just get him to quit saying "what?" after every single thing I say to him.
ReplyDeleteThe self-sabotage thing is very familiar, M...Nastia is an "expert" at that. She begged for a long time for a cell phone. We finally agreed that it might be convenient...for us...that she have one. She has it for two days and loses it for a week due to disrespectful behavior. She get is back after the proscribed week and not a week later (a few days ago) loses it again. For a month. It was her choice to continue her rant. So she lost the phone. She'll get it back tomorrow just for the day as she has a Bar Mitzvah to attend and we need her to be able to call us if she needs to leave early due to fatigue. (She had an appendectomy a week ago) That's for our convenience, of course. I hinted today in the car on the way to the farm that a sincere and meaningful apology might allow her to get the phone back sooner, but there so far has been none in the offing. Alison just speculated that Nastia may not actually remember why she lost the phone at this point...only that she lost it.
ReplyDeleteBut that's just one example. She's unfortunately very prone to sacrificing her own happiness through wanting to control others and not being able to control herself.
We had to stop M's activities.... She tried gymnastics and bombed it on purpose. She was taking Chinese lessons, but then had the teacher wrapped around her little finger...she kept using the bathroom during the lesson and getting the teacher to let her leave the room and copy papers in the main office there, etc..... and then there was dance class. I know that girl can dance, but in this class she stumbled and fell over and goofed off. So by the end of the year we offed every activity she was involved in..... because heck, those were privileges, and she sure as heck did not earn them.
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