Staring. You know, I've always found it sorta rude and a bit annoying. I do think there is a difference between spacing out and actually staring. Staring requires thought and being in the moment, knowing what you are looking at. This is what I always thought. Why would I be having a deep internal diatribe about staring? Because I now think I was wrong. Maybe staring is a mechanism to be used when you don't know what to say, when you have pain that you can't escape, when you are totally at a loss for how to function in the world. At least this is where I'm at in my thinking now. My children stare at me - a LOT. They stare if I say something that they don't like. They stare if I give a multi-step direction. They stare if I don't answer their questions. They stare. Two do this more than the other (any guesses?). And, one, oh one...well, SHE does it the most.
I have been thinking for some time that I need to take one big ole relaxation pill and just float sometimes. I'm always on high alert and looking for the signs that they are 'getting better' or 'getting worse'. Maybe this is just where they are. I wish I was the kind of person who could live in the here and now more. Not the land of what if's and coulda, shoulda, woulda village.
Do I ask DH a question, get an answer I don't like and stand and stare at him for long periods of time? Is there a mind control element at play? Maybe my children have superpowers that I've yet to learn about - perhaps the planet that sent them here is trying out new mental exercises on me. One day, I'll just drop to my knees and tell them 'whatever you want - you broke me with your laser beam stare'...then they can play Xbox all day and eat whatever they want and mumble instead of talk and...the list goes on.
When confronted with the question of what she is hoping I'll do when she stares at me, she says 'feel bad'. Well, I'm sorry to say that it's not working. I don't end up feeling bad - I end up feeling disappointed that, once again, she and I are not inhabiting the same plane of being.
Someone mentioned to me today that she might be doing some of these annoying things to get back to a place where she felt good (with me, before me, checkers, chess). I need to remember that. I am not ceeding control everytime I let her ask me a question twice. Right?