Tech and me - not a match

Could I be any less of a techno person? I've started a new blog to go from here and made it private. I'm happy to invite anyone who has asked so far, but I *think* I need your email address? For those of you who are followers here, you would think I could just invite you that way - maybe I can??? So, please email me with your email - or tell me how to do it easier!

Restricting blog access

I'm going to begin to restrict blog access to protect my family from hatefulness. No, there hasn't been much on this site, but I'm ready to start opening up about where we are now - which is a new place. SO...if you'd like to continue to access my blog, please let me know by commenting on this post. I have to invite you by email, so if I don't have your email address - you can also email me with that info at zougirl@comcast.net. At this time I may actually 'start' a new blog that will be different and by invite only and pick up our story.

I don't have to know you personally, but please do let me know a bit about you or how/where you found me.

Thanks! Sorry for the inconvenience, but really do want to tell the majority of you what is going on and have been too scared to do it in open forum.

Why do we cry?

I have not been very good at coming over here and posting lately. I think I'm trying to ignore so much of what's going on...and it's hard to write about it when you are ignoring it.

A few notes of late:
My grandmama is sick and not doing well overall. I'm going to head home to see her - because I absolutely cannot stand the feeling of being this far away. I feel so connected to her and while there are reasons, what I'm feeling now seems somewhat unreasonable. I cry a lot and randomly and she's still here. She hurts and I don't want her to. Anyway, soon I'll spend a few days with her - away from the rest of life and I'll always know I had that time.

DS1 and DD are both doing well. There is a calm here right now, but an underlying stress about DS2...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We are working on solutions for the long term, but it's still hard to think beyond tomorrow. He's safe where he is and seems to be doing well there - although I did find out that he and some other boys broke into the school store last night. It doesn't sound major - but it also doesn't sound like great progress from the things he's done before. I'm just not sure there is some fabulous answer that solves every issue.

I feel as though I'm grieving him lately...it's hard to look at pictures and some of those tears I'm shedding are for him or from him or over him...all mixed up.

2011 is 4 days old

First of all...second semester of DS1's freshman year has just begun and it's time to register him for his sophomore year. I don't know how they really expect us to know what classes he should take. We don't even know what classes he'll do well in this semester. So, the pressure now sits on his 14 year old shoulders to sign up for AP, College ready, Honors and basic classes. I do not remember the stress of these decisions when I was in high school. On his first night back to school he had four hours of homework. Then you read about AP and it tells you over and over that it's a larger homework committment. How is a kid supposed to feel good about committing to more than 4 hours of homework per night? Keeping up with the Joneses has never felt so scary...I hope that pushing him to do his best is not causing him to scrape the bottom. In the end, we will let it be his decision...painful as that may be!

DH spoke to DS2 last night. He was in good spirits and had no real complaints. He seemed very excited that all the new kids were coming in - school classes started there today - and was looking forward to meeting them all. I didn't talk to him. I will say that I'm sick - truly am - and have been basically sleeping for 4 days. But, deep down...I just wasn't ready to talk to him. I want to have positive things to say when I do talk to him. I'm not there yet. Christmas break was again, painful. I can say a million times that I won't get my hopes up, but I do. After they are dashed again...well, it's hard to stay positive.

DD is doing well over all. She continues to sabotage herself in tiny ways. Today she spent the better part of the day worried that she didn't know what two of her spelling words meant. She knew she would have to write sentences tonight and was so worked up before she even got home. I wish she could gain some perspective...but after five years I have to realize, she just may not ever gain that perspective.

DH is fighting with insurance companies over his mom's benefits. It's stressing him out majorly. Life becomes confusing when you have to start caring for the people that used to care for you. Full circle...

I hope that everyone is well and happy in these first few days of the new year! Can't believe it's 2011!!!

2011 moves in

Tomorrow starts a new year...2011 is here. How can that be? It's amazing how fast 2010 flew by. It seems it never even happened...but it did. 2010 wasn't a great year for our family. I'm hoping 2011 will be the turn around.

We took DS2 to his new school a few days ago. It seems like a better fit. Still holding back on total belief in an answer. Just don't want to be disappointed.

They tell us that he settled right in and was joking and enjoying his time. They do understand what that is...they understand that the other will come.

After our trip I cleaned DS2's room. Again...I found things I don't want to find. Lots of untaken pills, lots of chewed up gum stuck in carpet...and a note from a girl at his last school. It was a reminder note that she is his "mommy"...not to worry, she'll always be his mommy. Wow...

I don't even know if he understands what a mom is...but apparently he has one that lives elsewhere.

The "I don't even know what to title this" post

DS2 has been revealing some very interesting stories to us - when I say 'us' I mean sister and brother. He doesn't really talk to DH and I at all...at least not in a way that either of us can understand. We've learned the following in his few days here at home:
1. He was jumped in to a gang while at school this semester. He respects the boys that did it and they are more of a family to him than we ever will be. He feels that gangs are families for life.
2. He climbed up on a steel trash bin and jumped into the arms of one of his 'homies' who was supposed to catch him and the boy pulled back and DS2 hit the ground with his face first. That caused the bruising that we've been asking about since he got home.
3. He hates that people don't believe him and that is why he gets angry. He doesn't think it's wrong to get so mad so fast.
4. He believes that WE choose to pull him out of school. He thinks that everyone at school loved him very much and will be very sad without him there...we are the enemy of him staying with his 'friends' and new 'family'. That is why he isn't going back.

Interestingly, I do believe him - the whole entire story. I believe that his fight at school did have something to do with becoming a member of a gang. I am not saying that he joined the bloods or crypts while at school...but I think they called themselves a gang and I think they taught him about gangs as families. He found somewhere he felt he belonged.

The fact that these same boys used him as a scapegoat for all their misdeeds - the fact that he was, at best, a laughing stock to them - the fact that he was injured at their hands numerous times...none of this plays into his thought process. I asked him what he would have thought if we had jumped him in to our family...his answer??? "That would have been fine because then you would have gone to jail for child abuse". Fun.

DH and I are at odds right now. He believes firmly that it's all lies...that none of this occurred and that DS2 is simply trying to rile us up. I think it's the closest he's ever come to being 'clean' with us. I agree that he is saying it all to rile us up - but I believe firmly that sometimes the truth can do that. Chafe us...pain us...tear us to the bone. I sent my child away for help and he came back slightly more soulless than when he left.

I can't even grieve it all anymore. I'm lost for the next step. He goes to his new school/placement on December 30. We're all going to drive him there and have our good-byes. When we told him about where he's headed, there was no reaction at all. I guess somewhere in the deepest part of my gut, I wanted him to be sad - I wanted to see an iota of hope that he would like to stay here with us.

We are so broken and I'm not able to glue anything together anymore. I feel like he deserves so much more than me as a mother. I feel like I deserve so much more than what is happening to all of us now.

Off topic - my parents came for a long weekend and we had a lovely time. We got along and talked and enjoyed each other...I do miss them very much and I'm so happy that we were able to have that time. It renewed my faith in a million tiny little ways.

Then it led me back to the fact that no matter how old I am - I want my mommy to love me. Almost more than anything. I won't ever have the love of my biological father - he's unable to give that...and I've grown to accept that very crappy little detail. But, I need something to root me as the person I believed I was as I grew up. Having a parent that thinks you are a pretty good person is a gift. I'm sure it will continue to come and go...but for now, I'll take it.

Will my son ever want a mommy who loves him? And, when he finally does...will I be able to?

the final's' bomb

Overwhelmed would describe it right now...my heart mostly is overwhelmed.

Here we are at the crossroads of the exact thing I talk about. Does anyone believe in self-fulfilling prophesy? I was taught about that a lot in church as a child. You should never say something that you don't want to have happen...speak positives and they will come true. I try, really.

One of my biggest fears about raising one (or two depending on the day) troubled child(ren) is the fallout on the other kid(s). It's hard to balance. Even with DS2 not living here right now, there is a constant presence over our home. Of course, I do not want to erase him...

DS1 is struggling right now. It's a big change from anything we've dealt with before. Teen age drama - yes...more than that? I don't know. I remember being his age and thinking that pretty much everything about my family was totally whack. I was sure that I knew a better way and I could do everything better than my parents could do. I think that every teen goes through this time and it's ok if he feels he is smarter and brighter and more wonderful than us in every way.

Here is where I worry...bad grades, wanting to be alone all the time, loss of his sense of humor, grunting, anger, not doing work that is due...sadness in general.

He told me that he doesn't want DS2 to come home. He's worried about what this will do to his break. He is completely self centered right now - it's all about him. Isn't that true of all teens? I pointed out that DS2 will be home and no matter what that can't be changed. We have fun plans for Christmas break...we have family coming into town. We are going to make the best of it no matter what DS2 decides to do with his time home. I don't think he believes me. I don't think he believes we have control over DS2. I don't know that we do.

Things came out that happened over last break that I didn't even know about. At this point, DS2 will have to be on full line of sight. I hate that - but I have to listen to my other two kids...who have both asked to not be alone with him at all.

DS1's math teacher called today. He got a low D on his final. He had worked his butt off. Week one was tough and then he realized it was time to get 'serious'. He went in to school early almost every day to work with her. He studied at home and turned in his work. She wanted to let me know that two weeks ago, it all changed. Since then he hasn't turned in any homework...he didn't do his study guide for his final and that led to the D. His semester grade dropped to a C. He also did poorly on two other finals.

I question whether I should have been more involved with his finals and studying. I offered myself to him in any way I could help and he continued to grunt that he had it under control. I let him be - it's high school and I can't follow him to college, right? He has to figure it out. But, maybe I'm too 'out of his life'. Although he's pushing away, maybe he needs to be drawn in closer?

A lady I work with has a sign that says "parenting is like being pecked to death by chickens". It's funny...and true. It's just the daily loss of tiny pieces of your heart - tiny pieces of your child(ren) drifting off from you. High school is tough. You know (and they know) that the clock is counting down...it's now a matter of 3.5 short years before he leaves. Am I pushing at him as much as he's pushing at me?

wants of a wanted woman

I want to talk to him. Really, really talk to him. I want to have a conversation that consists of more than me asking if he's making good choices and him mumbling an answer I can't hear. I want to sit with him and talk. About something - about nothing...about the fact that we care about each other and therefore can talk about anything.

What if that never happens?

I'm living in guilt world lately. That guilt that I can't do enough for him...I've failed him. The guilt that I hate the people in Russia who did this to him for real. I even hate the people in Russia that lied about his emotional health. I did tell them I couldn't do this. I was honest. The 'good' part of this is that I learned that I can do most things when I have to...I never wanted to - but here I am...doing it. I'll readily admit that I'm doing it poorly, but doing it nonetheless.

We still can't tell him that he's been expelled...we won't be able to tell him for quite a while. I think they said 48 prior to him leaving...ummmm...that's December 15. Goodness. It's hard to think of things to say. I want to tell him what's next. Of course, we need to be sure of what's next.

The program in Utah is in full swing. We've got a spot held for him. I'm struggling with being excited. It sounds like exactly what he needs. It is exactly what he needed the first time. I let a rush of emotions and a rush of actual timing lead us down the wrong path. The school he's at now has done nothing for him. It has simply kept him away from here. That is not good enough.

It scares me to think it won't work...that residential treatment won't work. What is the step beyond that? I hope we don't ever have to find out. On the other hand, it scares me a bit that it may work. We have never lived in a household where DS2 fits. Never had the time of him being a normal member of our family. There hasn't been a time of calm that includes him. Not, at least for a LONG time...you'd have to go back to our honeymoon to find it. Did it feel calm to him ever?

I doubt it.

I realize now that both DS2 and DD have spent every moment in high alert mode. Figuring out if we were safe - if we would still be there after school...deciding whether or not loving us, respecting us and giving us a chance was doable. And, all that leads me to DD.

She is struggling. Does it have a thing to do with adoption or attachment? Not sure. Some of it is normal stuff: I'm never right - she always is. I can't speak two words without her speaking over me...pretty basic pre-teen behaviors.

However, do other kids do it get in trouble? Do they try to be 'bad' so that they feel rewarded? I still sense that is a lot of her reasoning. When I force her to calm herself and listen in a safe way - it nearly kills her. Truthfully - I can feel her heartrate speed up, I can see her eyes tear at the corners. She does not want to be treated fairly. That, I do believe, is based in her past.

I just so badly want my dreams of the future to be more than dreams. I want to talk to him. I want to be trusted by her. I want DS1 to never feel that our choice to adopt changed his life for only the negative. I want all these things...it's all I'm putting on my Christmas list.

rambling...

We have found a program/school in Utah that can and wants to take DS2 after Christmas break. They actually would like him to come sooner, but I'm trying to just ride everything out right now.

It's more of a residential treatment type program. They live in homes with a smaller group of kids and really work on living in a family environment. Each moment is a teaching moment. The goal of the program is not only academic - although they catch kids up to grade level before they are returned to family...but it's more emotional. They can't make any promise - but they want to return him to our family to live in a functional environment for all five of us.

I feel hope when I talk to them - but I'm tempering that hope. I felt hope that his school in KY was an answer. So, I don't want to hang everything on this hook either. I'm still looking for options because I've learned to have a plan B, C and D at all times.

I continue to be amazed at how many families have the stories we do. Sure, each family has a slightly different twist - but there is so much struggle and so much pain out there. Enough to go around for sure. While I feel a strange comfort in knowing we are not alone - I feel such an empty place that so many have ended up here. So much pain in so many little ones...and I wonder if they will be able to grow up and have normal lives. I'm worried about a generation of lost souls wandering alone.

Stress is weighing heavily on me. I push everyone away and get angry that no one is around for me. I'm trying VERY HARD to show a positive attitude and even harder to not take any of this out on DD and DS1. I haven't really slept in a while. Exhaustion can make a person crazy. I swear that I can't remember anything for more than 15 minutes.

We had dinner out last night and we truthfully had a nice time. That was a relief. We talked about normal family stuff and laughed and shared veggies. So, life goes on with a zombie for a mother...a zombie trying to pretend to be normal.

The squares

I hate not being able to tell him that he's coming home for good at Christmas. It's lying by omission. I get the reasoning I suppose. Kids that know their time is up there can act up physically and become even more disruptive. The list of things they are worried about - well, it's still hard for me to fathom DS2 falling into that category. I just wish I could promise them he wouldn't do those things. I know I can't. I don't think I know what he will or won't be able to do. I would have never thought that he would do the things he has done. I truthfully thought that getting away from us would be the answer to his behavioral problems. I thought that being back in a dorm setting and not having a 'mom and dad' would be the answer. It wasn't. We are back at square one.

I realize now that he was passing school and flying under the radar because I was basically sitting on him. I would stand over him and force homework to get done. I would give him a million daily reminders about how to act out of my presense and he knew the consequences for not following those rules. Not that he cared about the consequences. He was very good at not getting caught. He's not good at that, it seems, anymore. No one there is sitting on him to make him do work. That was what I wanted for him...to be responsible for himself. I truly hoped that he would choose to take care of his own business. He hasn't.

Our options:
1. Keep him home and find a homeschooler (not me) that can come into our home and catch him up, keep him caught up and knows how to deal with troubled kids. File all the paperwork to make that legal. Quit my job to be able to supervise him 24/7 and have a lot of lockdown to keep him away from the other kids.
2. Keep him home and send him to public school. I've called them to ask about the discipline protocol and the fact that he's so behind in school. No one has called back. I'm viewing that as not the best plan at this point. I would still need to quit my job in order to drive back and forth and be here whenever he is home.
3. Keep him home and try to get him into the alternative school. Not sure what that solves other than stricter structure. The quitting thing is all the same.
4. Find another school/program. We have one we like - but the cost may make it out of range. I'm trying to nail down more details. It's a more RTC type setting, but they work through school issues as well. Their goal is to bring him to a point, both behaviorally and academically, that he can return to home life and public school. There is no magic number for how long that takes - anywhere from 6 months to 3 years is average.
5. Well...I don't like to talk about this option - I'm sure you can imagine what it is.

I am not sure if I am ready to live in a prison setting for the next six years. I would love to say that we could go back to him earning privileges and becoming a more 'normal' kid...but I don't think that is the case. So, all options of him staying home would be hard on the other four of us. I want this to be about him...but it's hard to remove everyone else from the equation. Heck, it's hard to not think about myself.

We're just back at square one.

It's official. He's out.

They are doing us a 'favor' by keeping him until Christmas break.

Worst part is that there really wasn't a reason for why he's been expelled. No reason at all.

Panic at the inbox

The email came. He may be asked to leave the school.

Then, the panic attack came.

Full on. I've only had 3 in my life...but it was wholly real this time. It scared my daughter who happened to walk in the room. Breath wouldn't come, heart wouldn't slow.

All from hearing that my son may be coming home - and we don't have a plan B.

The communication hasn't been good between the school and us it seems. I continued to hear that he was a good kid who was struggling. They said that there was nothing that would have him close to being expelled. They still won't say expelled - "asked to leave". I think those are the same thing, yes?

I sent an email to address his recent punishment. Their answer included the fact that he may be asked to leave at Christmas break. Shocking...we need more time. My response was quite raw and I think it took him completely off guard. I believe we'll have to jump start the search for somewhere else, but I do think they'll be understanding of needing more time.

We just wanted it to work. We wanted DS2 to be happy (which he still claims to be) and to grow (which is obviously not the case). We wanted time to figure out what needs to happen here, in our home - that is something that we haven't done. It's just been quiet - for the first time in five years. A calm has fallen over our home in general...we just are.

So, I let the planning fall to the bottom of my list. I let go of trying to figure out the next step because I just wanted to sit and rest on this step. I still have to shake myself sometimes to realize that our house is happy and relaxed and calm. I can't help coming back to that word. It's a place I didn't know if we'd ever be again. Now, I'm not sure how to keep it.

I've been busy this morning. Looking into other programs and schools that had made our short list before. The admission that he's been 'let go' from another boarding school program doesn't bode well for his placement the next time. But, I've found a couple of places that are open at this point.

One of the places I spoke with today said that their goal/their job is to help a child through the troubled spot they are in so that the child can return home and become a part of the family again. Most places talk like DS2 will simply be there until graduation...like there isn't a chance of him returning. It was interesting to hear the difference.

Could these people help us find calm with all FIVE of us at home? It seems like a dream right now...but if we get to that point - I'm going to choose to sit on that step and wait for it. I will wait for it and fight for it and do whatever I can to make it happen.

The Mouse at his house (and now on my chest)

We just returned from a long week with the Mouse. You know the one that lives in Florida and has a lots of nutty friends. Yes, Mickey...and we liked it. The best part is people watching. Since this was our second trip in two years and we knew it would be our last for quite some time...we really took our time.

No rushing, no arguing, no stress (OK...when people stop dead in their tracks in the middle of the walkway to pull out their map thereby backing up the 100s of people behind them as they stand 7 across and block all access to getting by with their 3 double strollers and lots of crazy ear hats...well, that tends to stress me out)

For a place called the Happiest Place on Earth, there sure are a lot of unhappy faces. It can be so overwhelming for both parents and kids. Parents get an idea that it will be the greatest thing to ever happen to their kids and lots of these kids - really little ones - don't buy into that. Which, in turn, makes parents stressed...and well, I'm the one sitting nearby watching.

I gotta tell you that if you are a 'thinker' about Disney - and you haven't done it before or a lot of times or haven't done it with kids...in my esteemed (ha) opinion you would not catch me dead with a kid that still needs a stroller. Never. I know folks do it and love it and all that jazz - but it's a lot of money for your kiddo to not remember it.

Anyway...we had a lovely time. DS1 and DD got along pretty darn good and even hung out together at times without mom and dad. It was weird to vacation with only four of us. I thought of DS2 a few times, but realized I didn't want to spend the whole vacation thinking of what I wish were...just have to be in the moment with what actually is. For this trip - it was the four of us. We ate very well - haven't stepped on the scale today - TOO SCARED.

We saw and took pictures with all the characters...really - I would guess almost all of them. We rode all the scary rides and all the kiddie rides. We laughed and screamed (not at each other) and slowed our pace to really enjoy being immersed in all things Disney. We enjoyed looking for hidden mickey's (if you don't know what that is...google it) and found a lot of great ones. We sampled foods from every land in the world showcase and thoroughly scoured a million gift shops. I now own a shirt with Mickey and Minnie on it. Said I never would...but I did. I've fallen from grace.

At home today - going through piles of mail and learned that DS2 has been suspended again - this time for ten days. That's a long one. I'm just so dog-gone sad for him. I don't get it...I don't understand which way to go from here as his parent. How can there be a situation with no good answers?

The "STRANGE"r in my home

The human race has created a strange bunch of people. They are called children. There doesn't need to be a possessive term with that. It doesn't matter if they are my children, your children, biological children, adopted children...they can all be gathered under "strange".

Don't get any panties in a bunch here. Strange is a lot of things. At my house, this is what strange looks like lately.

A child who remembers a tidbit of conversation, said in passing from four days ago and actually does what was asked of her (four days later...but being honest - I had forgotten about it by then). Yet, she still doesn't remember to EVER turn off a light when she walks out of a room.

A kid who wakes me up at 6:20 because the sun isn't out and he doesn't want to walk to school in the dark (which I totally agree with), then tells me that he doesn't need to be at school until 7. We sit and watch the sun come up together. So, maybe he could have waited for the sun before waking me up???

The sweetie who sits and talks through the whole show of Amazing Race and then is frustrated at the end because they 'didn't hear' what the host said.

The kiddo who cleans the bathroom mirror and can't understand why it's so disgusting, until I point out that they used Pledge instead of windex. Very confusing...a yellow can versus a clear bottle full of blue fluid. I can see where they can easily happen.

But strangest still is all the great stuff.

A teenager who comes and asks me to dance with him like we used to. Him on my feet and us shuffling (carrying 120 pounds...trust me I shuffled) around the family room. Then, him adding in hushed tones - "would you sing that song you made up for me when I was little?" I knew that may not happen again very often.

The little girl who can be so lost sometimes - so confused - so sad...but still walks up from time to time and offers her greatest compliment. I love you mom. She says sweet things about me...and it's only for the joy of saying something nice. The sweetheart who shares her secrets with me when her guard is down.

Strange is as strange does. I'm strange and maybe they both got it from me. I think that is more of a contagious trait than genetic. When they ask someday why they do XXX - and it's something strange...I'll be happy to report - "You take after me".

Hurry up already

DS2 goes back to school tomorrow. I can say that the last 3 days have been very quiet - in the good way of quiet. Apparently it takes five days for him to wash off the school attitude and realize he's back home. It's not as though he's totally hanging out with us...but he's calm and more relaxed and most importantly...

He's just being here.

We (he and I) get to get up at 4am and drive to the airport. I know he's happy to be returning, but I don't believe that equates that he's happy to be leaving us. I just think that maybe he's happy in both places. I asked him if he could maybe try to take only four days next time - at Christmas - that he comes home. He's home for a couple of weeks that time and it would be lovely to have most of those days be calm and wonderful ones.

I'll miss him. When he's gone we don't have a lot of contact - not by our choice. He settles in there and we don't get emails or phone calls...he doesn't always answer when we call. So, I will miss him. I worry about him.

DD didn't get kicked off the team. They are counting it as strike one and two...one more thing - even a little one - and she's off the team. We decided to leave her be and perhaps pay a price we can't charge her. Everyone at the gym knows she did it. Rumors start and circulate - but this one is true. I doubt that the other girls will find it cute. She's been on suspension this week. She has sat at practice, but not taken part. Tomorrow is her first day back in the trenches. It will be socially difficult. I know it will. DH doesn't think she'll notice. She's not exactly socially adept.

I hope she notices. And, sadly, I hope it hurts her.

Maybe peer pressure can do more than we can on this front. I have to get past my embarrassment. Yep, it's terrible to be the parent of the kid committing crimes. I know that I'll have social reprecussions at the gym as well. I don't want to walk in waving the 'she's adopted and her birth family taught her to steal...she had to steal to eat and live...please, give me a break...I didn't do this to her' flag. But, I'm tempted.

Oh...so tempted. And, I might be weak because I can't think of what the right response would be.

Something very thoughtful like "My daughter made a terrible mistake and has paid the consequences asked of her. She will be working hard to change this behavior in the future."

That's scary. What if she doesn't change the behavior? What if she steals there again?

Then I look at DS1. Liar, liar, pants on fire...yes, he lies too. And, I raised him from birth. Apparently, all kids lie...so I've been told. I really didn't. I stink at lying. I stunk at it when I was young and I stink more now. Plus, the guilt. Oh how I hate knowing I lied.

Why can't my kids learn from my good points and ignore my bad points (which are so numerous, but at the top would be impatience). Come on...(quickly please!)

the ever changing days of our lives

My daughter stole money at her gym last night. Brazenly...just walked up to another girl's bag, dumped it and took the money. I would have paused a moment to struggle to put her in that position. She's been doing so well. But, you can't really argue video proof.

She did it all in front of a security camera.

I'm heartbroken. She really had been doing so well...now downhill spiral. We were even being careful to not build it all up too much. She's a saboteur of herself...

She is no longer on the cheer team. They are meeting about her to make a decision, but DH and I don't see how we can send her back. The death of a dream. She's so good...so darn good...at it. The dead dream is obviously mine.

All this on the third day of DS2's trip home. That, in and of itself, has not gone well. I won't bore with details, just pretty much exactly what it was last time. Except now you can throw in a lot of rapper/gangster/thug talk. I'm not using those terms in disrespect - but honestly...I don't know what to call it. Who dat? instead of who is that?...and uglier words that I'm not ok with.

I can stop it here (well, not stop it but keep it under wraps) but I can't do anything about it there. I know the school would not be ok with it, but kids are crafty - I'm sure they aren't saying it out in the open. I'm sure these names they call each other are reserved for personal time away from adults.

And, he can't remember why he got suspended again. For two days...he thought is was because he pushed a kid...but NO - it was for being tardy SIX times in a week. This notice, again, said that the behavior could result in expulsion.

Fabulous. I don't think that will happen...but I know that we have to re-think our plans for him. Or give this more time...or give up. But, I can't do that one.

At least DH and I sat and laughed so hard we nearly cried last night. We did that together. What else can you do? As with so many people - this isn't what we thought we were signing up for.

But, here we are.

Tootie knows best

DS1 is a nut...otherwise known as teenager. This is a species of person that I remember being. I remember eating a snickers and coke every day for lunch and feeling smug that I was eating 'ok'. I remember knowing how stupid my parents were and why I could never make them understand.

I just never thought I'd be the stupid one.

Now, I am.

He's not so bad. I've heard bad...I have been scared of bad teenagers...but he's definitely emotional and so darn smart. Maybe the thing that drives me the most crazy is that he won't ever admit that he is wrong. Even when proven to be so...he will simply never admit it.

Do I admit it? Openly to my kids?

I think I do. I can remember plenty of times that I've said "I was wrong and I apologize for that".

I don't remember him ever saying that. Is that just something that enters your life when you become stupid?

DS2 has earned his first grade card of 7th grade. It wasn't good. I can't make it good. He comes home on Friday and I'm hoping for the best. No big plans...just a regular week. I think that will be best. No pressure on any of us. I found some new trails since he was home last and it will be fun to introduce those to him. Just the two of us (I'm rather happy the other two are in school while he's home)...

DD is kicking butt and taking names. She is really blossoming. Of course there are still snags - but they are so minor and I'm so proud of her. She has totally gotten into cheer...like a new 'getting into things'. She's excited to start competitions! Her grades are good and she's becoming so independent (in all the right ways). I trust her to make good decisions and we continue to talk about how to choose that 'right' path. The greatest thing is that she is seeming to accept my guidance. I just can't stop gushing about the fabulous changes I'm seeing in her. Dare I say it - maturity???

Six of one, half a dozen of another...something is always happening around here. I feel like I can handle the majority of it. I've realized the facts of life. Seriously folks - has there ever been a theme song to a show that says it more perfectly?

You take the good, you take the bad
you take them both and there you have...the facts of life.
There's a time you gotta go and show
you're growing now you know about...the facts of life.
When the world never seems
to be livin' up to your dreams
and suddenly you're finding out
the facts of life are all about you...
(sadly, I didn't have to look that up...actually knew it by heart)

going the distance

DS2 is hot and cold. He's having a tough start this year in behavior and grades. We got notification that we could finally view his grades online, in real time.

I thought "whoooopppppeeeee".

Then, I looked.

How do you fail PE? I'm questioning how hard he must be working to do nothing. PE is fully graded on participation. This is my kiddo that is always moving and can find something active to do at all times...but he can't participate in PE? That one stumps me. DH is totally convinced he's trying to get kicked out of school.

In a shocking way, I'd be touched by that concept. But, I don't believe it.

He's been suspended twice so far - stealing from a vending machine (he must be happy to be so skinny) and being tardy numerous times. I've seen the middle school 'campus' at his school. There is no more than 15 feet between classrooms.

They get three minutes between bells. You do the math...you could crawl in slow motion and still make it there. OR - you could get stuck in a traffic jam at a water fountain that causes you to be tardy four times in one day.

He must be one very thirsty young man.

The great news is that he joined the cross country team - because we forced him to. AND - he likes it. He called today to let us know that he placed third in his meet yesterday. He rocked it...he's never run distance like this before. I'm so proud. He also called to wish DS1 a happy birthday. It was one day late - but such an amazing feat for him. He remembered something...about our family.

Yes, DS1 had a birthday yesterday - one more year into teenage wasteland. He's pulling himself together after his very rough start in high school. DD is succeeding in 5th grade and is emotionally even keel pretty much all the time. Things are really going very well.

I realize what a wimp I am. Really enjoying my job - but how can I be so tired after only four hours each day? It's amazing! I go, go, go at the job - all the time...so I can count that as a work-out, right? I hope so because I'm having issues getting to the gym. Ahhh...life.

DS1 gets his braces off tomorrow. I'll go from having three in braces at one time to two...what a step down. I feel like I live at that ortho office. He's very excited and thinks it's the best birthday gift ever!

Empty teeth - YEAH!

the dog had to go

Today I met a neighbor that I've seen around with her dog. I was pulling weeds at the foreclosed home across the street (hey, it's still a house I have to look at) and she walked by. I'm a friendly bloke and said hello. We chatted.

I'm a pretty open book.

She asked where DS2 had gone...she used to see him at the bus stop and noticed he was gone this year. So, I told her. I didn't share gory details, but just that he is at a boarding school and is very happy there. I did tell her about his joining the family five years ago and that so many things about family were hard for him.

Then she tells me a story.

She bought a dog. The dog howled at night. The dog was mean to her first dog. The dog just didn't fit in her family...so, she sent him to a foster doggie home.

Therefore...

She said...

She totally gets what it's like to 'send a child away'.

OK, really?

Hubby and I have a 90-10 rule. Ninety percent of people in America are idiots. Maybe not in all parts of their lives - but at some point. Heck, I've hit in the 90 before. Today, she made me know my rule is right. I mean...REALLY?

I know that I speak 'lightly' about the subject sometimes. That is because it's tough to be sad all the time...it's tough on even him...while he doesn't seem to care if I'm sad - it does something to him. It does something to me when he's sad. I can't tell you the relief I feel when I speak with him and he's excited and happy. Yep, broken hearted on the inside because he can't have that here with me, but so darn pleased that he's got happiness in his life - wherever that means he has to be.

However, speaking lightly does NOT mean that I would equate our situation with my son with the puppy who couldn't stay.

Really?

A triangle with a missing side?

Maybe I'm a crappy member of the triad.

Don't know if I care if that is true. I think that sums up my crappiness. I'm simply not in a fight over any of this. I want my children to be healthy and thrive and I don't call that being 'active'...I call it being a mom.

I don't call myself an adoptive mom...ever. I don't like terms that are thrown around that somehow label me as an AP or adopter. And let me add that adopter is just as bad to me as birthmother feels to others. Adopter sounds like a robot set to perform a job. Heck...if I could be robotic about this - well, things might be simpler.

I have been catching up with others in my sphere of 'adoption'. Folks I've met either in real life or in cyber space - they've given me words of wisdom, words of support and vice versa. From time to time I set out to check in with them...because we are all living our lives and that causes some breakdowns in communication!

However, when we chat...it's not about activism. It's not about creating change in the foundation of adoption. Do certain things make me sick in this world? Yes. But, they aren't the same things that make most others sick...I'm darn sure of that.

So, since I'm an openly crappy member of the adoption triad - does that hurt my kids in some way? Does my decision to not march on Washington to change the rules in this realm mean that my kids will not feel that I care about their issue?

We don't talk about Russia everyday. There is no first family to visit or really even talk about. The memories of those people for my kids are not positive...and I can't force them to be positive about it. Or...

I won't force them to be positive about it.

Guess what? My kids had a sucky beginning. Yep...it's true. Adults wronged them - BUT I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE ADULTS. I've done what I felt was right for each and every moment they've been mine. And yes - they are mine...no one gets mad when a mother that gave birth to her child says:

That is MY child. Ownership. Doesn't mean I'm pointing out to you that I bought them or something.

What in the world?

So, am I taking sides? I guess not...other than my side. Mostly my kids side. I don't know if adoption 'helped' them. I know they have basics in life they didn't have before...

I'm not talking about clean beds.

I'm talking about parents. Some would believe that having parents is not the best thing for kids. I'm living in that - I get it. Maybe for some kids having parents is not comfortable...or not the happiest of situations. If you know what's happening in my life - you know I can fathom that...BUT how can you know that until they've been given the chance to try it out?

I'm not an activist. I'm just a mom who's still trying to learn. Ok, maybe I'm not really trying to learn...remember, I'm pretty crappy in that part of things.