Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Happy freakin' birthday!

It's my birthday and I'm not having fun! Seriously, DS2 has been a total jerk today...that stare saying "I don't care what you say or do...I don't even like you". I asked for an apology and he spit it out (no, literally, I had to wipe my face afterwards)! I want to send him packing...why, oh why, can't he give me a break? One day...just one day. I forced myself to go and get things back on track and it was terrible. He acted remorseful, but I'm not stupid. I find that I rarely, if ever, believe in him anymore. That's sad. I don't like feeling this way toward a child - but he is like an evil mastermind in my house. The dark overlord...
I cried in front of him. I'm not supposed to let him know it hurts, I know that. But, I couldn't handle anymore. I broke. There are times when a human heart can not go on and this morning was it for me. I really sobbed...so hard that DS1 heard me from upstairs and came running down to hug me and comfort me. All the while, DS2 standing about 2 feet away averting his eyes and doing everything he could to stay steely faced. Or, maybe that wasn't hard for him. He hates me. I feel like a raw open wound around him. It's not that I've laid myself on the line...I really protect myself so immensely from the pain he causes me - I'm quite closed off...but I do fake it, I do force it. I don't think there has been a time recently where I wanted to hug him. But, I do. I guess I just wish he'd fake it too. He told me happy birthday this morning and gave me a half-hearted hug...this was before the mess began. That was only the second nonrequested hug he's ever given me in private. He gives good night hugs because it's required and he'll hug me in public to make a good impression on others...but after 3 years I know for a fact that was only number 2.
The whole mess started today because he had blood on his pajama shirt. I (stupidly) asked why and he said "I was grinding my teeth last night to see if I could get one to fall out...I didn't work so I pushed and pulled it real hard and it bled". I ask to look in his mouth and see a very infected gum line and a tooth barely hanging on and it's a PERMANENT tooth. It came out. I will not spend money to correct that problem. I won't...DH won't. What on earth happened to that child to pull a tooth out of your head like that? Is he trying to punish me or himself? He has hurt himself before - pulling skin off his hands, pushing pencils into his fingers and then picking at the sore. I've tried a lot of things and I don't know how else to make him care about himself. And then I don't know if I can save him from that dark place that he must go to. What if I'm really not the best place for him. I'm not looking for sympathy - I'm serious. How do I know when I've done all I can? What if there is another, more prepared, stronger woman or man out there that could turn him around before it's too late? My dreams for his future are bleak - that stinks. You don't want to look at your child and wonder where he'll end up and your only thought out choices are a group home or jail.
Do I continue to sacrifice my sanity, my marriage and my other children? I do see that I can heal DD...it will take time and lots of work, but there is a shining part in her heart that comes through more and more. She does reach out to me for hugs and kisses. She misses me when I am not with her. She lies and manipulates, but she can discuss in some reasonable way. Maybe she is all I can do right now. I just don't know anymore.


  1. Oh Krez. Just many hugs and prayers.

    First off, take some time. Do NOT make any decisions now, in the fit of some deep emotions. You are more vulnerable on your birthday (or any special occasion) and to our kids those days are huge, gigantic buttons of triggers! To be honest, even after 9 years there is STILL some sabatoging that goes on on special days, and birthdays are particularly difficult in our house.

    Secondly -- grieve all you need to. This day sucked and its ok to rage, be angry, sad and mad. You need to let it all out ...

    Thirdly, I know how anti-medications you guys are. I think you need to STRONGLY consider that C might need something to stabilize his mood. If there is something off balance (and self mutilation would show that as a STRONG possibility), medications might be essential for him to heal. They were absolutely LIFE CHANGING in our household and stabilized our son to the point that he was even CAPABLE of healing in attachment/logic. C might not be able to "get out of his head" to attach or heal if the messages he is getting from his brain are not healthy or straight. Before you consider disrupting, I hope you consider (and try!) this.

    Lastly, you are a good mother, a wonderful wife and strong woman. Celebrate who you are. Your birthday, your years. Praying for you and happy birthday.


  2. My thoughts echo Jen's in totality. Hang in there...

  3. Happy Belated Birthday! Hang in there.

  4. I'm sorry you had such a miserable birthday. It's not fair that all of these things pile up at the worst times.

    I want to echo what Jen posted in her comment, though, about C needing to be stabilized somehow, possibly with meds. Hurting himself like that, whether it's a way to hurt you indirectly or because he needs to feel the pain himself in some way, is a big thing. It needs to stop, and it doesn't sound like he can stop it by himself.

    Meanwhile, the progress with D sounds very encouraging. Keep up the good work!

  5. First off a late Happy birthday. You share a birthday with my second son. He turned 14. (wow, where did the time go?) My little radlet tried to ruin it, but we managed to save it. He is like your child trying to hurt himself. Only he uses different methods, he starves and dehydrates himself. I don't get hurting yourself either. I am ready for school to start back up!