Tough night...her versus me

I don't mean DD versus me - although it felt like that last night. I mean, DD's birth mother versus me. I know that many adoptive parents do birth parent searchs, but I would never want to know those people. They scarred my children - deeply.
I could tell the moment DD walked in the door that it was 'one of those nights'...I must admit that I tensed up and felt prepared for battle somewhat. I've been doing so dang good...really staying calm and using the techniques the therapist is teaching us. Well, last night was a bust. I think it just builds up. Having a child(ren) that push you and push you and try their darndest to get you to not love them is tiring. I don't think that I could explain to anyone not living it, what it's like. There isn't a lot of common ground, because they will find a way to switch up anything you say. Yes, all kids are argumentitive...this is more. They tell me they like something one day - art for example. Then, when they are bored and I say "why don't you go paint me a picture" they say "I hate art...but if you are going to make me do it..." The glee I sometimes see in them when I'm sad is lonely and isolating.
So, back to last night...it was a small thing, really. She simply was not taking instruction - but it was the seven hundred millionth time and I saw red. Literally had a physical reaction to her smart pants remark. I broke, I yelled, I said some mean things, I took her upstairs and put her in her room and slammed her door. One thing I know I said was "I'm not your birth mother and I never tossed you aside." The therapist says to be honest about their birth families and to not sugar coat what happened there. However, doing it in anger was not my best parental choice. Fast forward and I'm calmer and I go in to talk to her and she says "I know you aren't her". I wish I could say I felt total relief...but I felt manipulated. I just don't know if she's honest when she says those things or if she even is understanding the feelings she has. She cried, I cried...real hallmark movie - you know the ones where the DD stabs the mom (ok, bad joke).

As is always the norm at my house, DS2 was pretty angelic last night. At least they don't generally gang up on me.

DS1 is another story. Told me last night that he's not "popular or cool"...but refuses to talk about it. There seems to be a mean kid at school picking on him. I want him to stand up for himself, and I wonder what leads to this. He's had numerous bullying issues and I just don't know how he is setting himself up. He isn't a geek - I know that. He wears the right clothes and does the right activities...yet, he ends up in this position time and again. He is VERY immature for his grade...I'm sure that leads to this. I tried to gently point out some things he could do to minimize the differences between him and his classmates. I was met with hostility. I feel like I'm missing the boat with him a lot. DS2 and DD take up so much time and DS1 is supposed to be easy, right? Crud to teen angst!