Here goes the mean stuff...and let me just say that I'm feeling very good right now. Christmas parties were today at school and DD did well at hers. I didn't get to be at DS2's party as I'm the room mom in DD's class. I appreciate all the kind words that parents give me when I plan a party and I like doing it - however, I'll be done after this year! It's just one extra thing on my very full plate.
I, of course, think about our situation a lot. I wonder which came first: my attachment disorder or theirs? Yes, theirs - I know...BUT, I did struggle mightily in my attachment when they came home (yet another thing I wish I could do over). Did I make it worse? So, I was trying to think about what made me struggle and I realized that some of it is physical.
You are single and in a bar (for lack of a better pick up place coming to mind). You see a cute guy, just your type and you're trying to figure out a way to strike up a conversation...suddenly another guy is beside you. You like dark hair - he had light hair. You like beautiful straight white teeth - his smile is from a trailer park. You like a tall guy - he's not tall. So, do you give him a chance? Probably not - but what if you were forced to elope with him right then. You couldn't make another choice - that was it...he's yours forever.
Sadly, it can be like in adoption. DS2 has many physical traits that I actually have a reaction to. Small things: the way he licks his lips to big things: the very hot state of his body at all times. I really have to learn to re-train myself to not react to these things...but it's hard. OK, so most folks are thinking "geez, he's a kid, that's mean"...but, basically I eloped with him 5 minutes after meeting him. There wasn't an out door - he became my son before I could get to know him and the great things about him.
It's my next big frontier...I'm going to figure out how to stop my reactions to those physical things. Wish I didn't have that problem to deal with.