I'm talking for myself

I'm a talker...for those that know me - you are laughing as that might be a major understatement. I like to hash it out through words and talk to myself, the dogs, the quiet DH and anyone else who will listen. So, I want to (and sometimes do) talk to my kids. I know that it is more for me than them (at least DS2 and DD)...and I can see the glazed look (well, that's immediate and ever present with DS2), but I have a real issue with shutting up sometimes. DH and I talked to DS2 last night. For him, hearing it from Dad is WAY different than hearing it from mom. Now, there was brutal honesty. DH is trying to protect me and present a united front and he did that last night. I just keep thinking how a "normal" child would handle this and the difference is startling. So, we have this big "come to Jesus" meeting and his reaction was "OK"...basically. It was actually a little more startling than just ok...but I digress.
There are moments of clarity where DH sees that I'm not nuts...that was one of them. The complete lack of remorse or even really the complete lack of giving a crap. I know I shouldn't be shocked, but I still am. I'm heartbroken for him and where we might be headed.
I did call his ped today. Through many great and supportive people I know that medication does work for some kids. This is not the time for my close-mindedness. So, we have the initial meeting on Saturday (hopefully) and we'll either get some meds from him or he'll move us on to someone that can help us. DH and I are not granola, heal thyselves kind of folks at all...I take meds for my bi-polar and am happy and healthy (although I don't sound like it now) on them. So, if there is a 10% chance that our family can survive with meds...I'm going to jump on board and see what happens.
Today we went to a movie. I know you are thinking - "OH, good...give the bad kid a privilege why don't you?" BUT...I did it for me. We had plans with friends and I can not give up all that I want to do, especially now in my very low state. So, I got to see Slumdog Millionaire - little plug here - VERY GOOD (but sad and sometimes hard to watch...bad things happen to kids)! No, kids did not see it - all kids (big and small) in different theater, an actual break!
After movie, came home and talked more to DS2 - again, for me...blowing off the steam. He continues to discuss how I "always" do this or that - pushing off all his bad behavior on me and my choices. I don't let that happen...he even tried to say that I knocked his tooth out!!!!! Holy cow! We get to the end of the talk and I point out (AGAIN) that he can make the choice to do things differently. I'm here to listen and I know it's hard, but there is a wonderful kid inside that I'd like to meet. He looked at me and said "I want to behave, but I need advice on how to do it". He's gotten more advice than a kid can handle...really...BUT, due to being asked I repeated something I've said a thousand times. "If mom was standing beside you, would you do what you are about to do?"...it's the easiest way to explain what I want. He does know the rules and he can follow them when it's beneficial to him. He also pointed out that he is good in public - which is true. Besides a little pouting in stores sometimes, he IS good in public! I agreed and gave him big kudos for that...
Anyway, I'd like to say it's day one in the new battle to be good...but I can't honestly say that I've wiped the slate clean.