Thursday, April 16, 2009

past injuries

I can already see a minor difference in DD since we started cycling down on her meds. However, yesterday was a day off from school (basically - they had to be there a whooping 1.5 hours to do some assessments...but they were home the whole rest of the day) and you know what, those never go good. You would think I would be getting nervous about summer. That's a lot of days off of school all strung together. I'm just not 'going there' in my mind yet. I'll get a plan, I know I will.
Very long day - told in short version...I sat DD down in my room and tried to get her to talk about things with me. I worked through some things our therapist works through with her - I wanted her to hear that it comes from me too. I got the response I nearly always get "I'm fine" - "I feel nothing". Last night she actually said "I'm blank"...I feel like that sums it up very nicely. She is so tuned out. So, I asked pointed questions about her last day in her birth family. We have to address the loss - I know this...but it's not always something I'm up for doing. Last night was a calm discussion with the smell of clean sheets in the air and we were face to face and well, I went there! Of course, I've read the story...and I knew most details from her own mouth - back when she liked to tell me these stories. But, last night, I really let myself feel it. I think I'd always pretended I was watching it happen in a movie - but she is flesh and bone and my daughter and it happened to HER. Her story matches up so closely with the police report, that I believe her. However, as she told it - I cried and she had no emotional reaction. I held her close - I told her that it is OK to be sad about what happened. One part is that she was begging for food or money outside a grocery store, which it seems she did on a regular basis (sent by her mother) she told me, I pointed out how sad we'd feel if we saw a child doing that at our grocery store. But, she said, it wasn't a normal was me. I held her tight and kissed her head and wished I could take away that part of her that thinks it's ok that it happened to HER. She never cried, never showed emotion...although she let me hold her tight and she let me kiss her and she even relaxed a little in my arms. I continued to tell her that she is safe here, that I will care for her for the rest of her life, that it's ok to feel like a kid that can have fun...she can stop being in control - I've got the reins and she is safe. And, I cried some more...she wiped my tears away and would look at her hand and kept asking me why I was crying? Can it be true that she doesn't know I'm crying for her past for what was done to her? I told her so. And yet, she'd ask again...

10 minutes later - she was back in her control mode and disregarding everything I said and purposefully not following house rules...and it occurred to me that there is a chance that this may not get better. Yes, I always say - if this is as good as it gets, are you ok with that? - and I think I'm living it...but I felt like a small breakthrough happened last night and apparently it was only in my head and heart - not hers.

On another note - teenage boys are ridiculous! I really thought I'd get to skip a lot of the hormonal drama until DD got there...but wow! DS1 was in a bit of a texting battle last night with his supposed best friend. He's pretty dog gone honest and was relaying to me what was going down as he was sending and receiving messages. It started out about girls and which girls think which boys are hot...then it progressed to baseball and name calling about who is better on the some point I started thinking there is NO WAY that a friend is saying these things. So, I took the phone and actually read the messages. Yep, his friend was treating him like dirt. I was faced with wheter to butt out and let him learn or step in. I'll end the drama - I stepped in. I don't want him to so under-value himself that he's willing to be treated the way this kid is treating him. I can't imagine what the commons were like for him today...where to stand, who to talk to - it's all overwhelming when you are losing a friend like this. I prayed with him/for him this morning and I don't do that very often. I think he realized that I understood what he's going through and my heart is breaking even now. This age is hard enough and it's harder when kids can't play nice!

Lastly, the 10 year Columbine anniversary is upcoming. I can't believe it's been that long. It seems like I was just watching that terror unfold on my TV screen. I think, for me, that was the first time I knew for sure that our world was different than my memories from childhood...of course, 9/11 came not too many years after and then I knew for sure. I hope that my children can salvage some sweet memories of the world they grew up in...but I'm not so sure. Recessions and murders seem to be the only news that makes the news anymore...why can't we find the silver lining just every now and then? I try to search out great stories on the web and share them with the kids at dinner. There are still people doing good things, teaching good values and working hard to make this a better place without a political agenda. I hope my kids can find those people. I hope someday they know that is what I'm even working toward.

1 comment:

  1. wow. Michelle.... Im in tears myself.. I had a foster daughter who had RAD and she just didnt feel anything. no emotion ever nothing. well she grew up married had two kids and although not touchy feely she seems happy. I always searched for emotion- that she was "getting it" but turns out on the inside she remained guarded and I had to change my expectations for what I wanted from her.I always seemed to care twicw as much about her than she did for her own self if that makes sense. anyway I follow along on your blog and Im thrilled when you make even the slightest progress. Hang in there you are doing all the right things I know its hard to be rejected but I know deep down they do attach themselves to you just in different ways. my foster daughter now seems normal by all standards although at time si still feel like shed step over my dead body and keep walking without so much a s glance backward!! but when she calls to chat or just stops by to see me I KNOW there will always be a bond there. praying for you!