Saturday, April 25, 2009

Where's HE going???

The waves of time continue to wash over us and as I've mentioned before, it's not always good. It is true in my home that the children feed off each other. If one is having a bad spell, the others are better - or at least the other (non plural). There is always one kid doing REALLY well. Much like six degrees of separation, there is usually six degrees of 'funness' at my house. DS1 has continued to fall somewhere in the middle. I'm stuggling with switching from attachment parenting to 'normal' parenting (if there is such a thing). He and one of his good friends have gotten into it a few times. He shares these things with me - usually when he starts to feel it's escalating. He does, at least, know when he can't handle it. However, that is when DH thinks I need to make him handle it - learn to fight his own battles. Maybe, that's right to a point. If I jump in at that dark moment and tell him what to say or how to fix his problem - am I saving him? Yikes...I have never thought of myself as overprotective or a helicopter, yet here I am. BTW, all these arguments are by text and I am starting to feel like an old codger. I hate that technology. Kids can say so MANY mean things by text that they would never say to someone's face - never. It just seems to be the new generations 'mean girl' in a handheld version. On a nicer note, he has met and become friends with some girls...I'm glad to see us getting to that point and I'm also sure it's the reason for some of the craziness.
DS2 may be the sadder part of my story today. He's slipping. I knew that it couldn't/wouldn't last forever, but I was expecting it to become just typical stuff. I did not expect to get back into attachment so hard, so fast. My brain always tells me to sit him down and chat about it...but that doesn't work. I'm reading "Dandelion on my Pillow, Butcher Knife Beneath" by Nancy, Terena and Beth Thomas and Oh My Gosh. It's resonating with me. Yes, my therapist has told me all these things - yes, all the 'guidebooks' to raising AD kids have told me this stuff...but reading it in a more story telling format is both exhilarating and hard on me. I find myself unable to put it down at times, feeling as though she is writing about my family. Then, I feel like I need a shower after other parts. It's a great read and brings me back to the fact that I've renewed my attachment parenting in many ways - which is probably rubbing DS2 the wrong way!
He's just angry again. Told me he would shot a guy in the head if they acted to him like he acts to me. Tells me I don't like him and that is why he never gets another chance to play violent video games (yes, there is no obsession there Virginia). When he was mad at me, he drew a Mom May Not Enter sign with dead bodies, flames and blood all over it and left it out for me to find when he went to school. When he returned home it was at his place and I smiled at him and said - Wow, your art is really expressive - I know your apology letter to me will be just as expressive and thoughful. I can understand that kids don't want to write a letter - but his anger is more because I didn't get mad, you know? Same as DD - he is searching for that hot, burning anger that fuels him. Yes, he's gotten it from me before and I'm sure he will again...but I'm human and I'm trying to be the best mom I can be. I realize now that I slipped in these last few months with him - it had become so regular and kind of a relationship, that I didn't do my attachment techniques. Not like I should have...then, I think "is there ever a time when I can let my guard down?" Do the experts tell me that? At what point can I say that he/she is acting healthy enough to be treated normally? Last night, he was curled up on his bed pouting about a choice he has to make - how hard it was and how he can't do it (another mantra for him). I sat down and reached over to rub his back and he rolled away and said 'don't touch me'. Yet, another piece of me broken off. What do I do then? I moved further and rubbed his back while he tensed and looked at the clock and said 'thank God, it's my bedtime'. Aaahhhh, what a sweet evening!
DD is on a new med...we're trying Zoloft. I'm keeping my eyes fully upon her - we've also added fish oil for the properties it's showing to help with emotional stability. We'll see how it all goes. She is being much more fun to be around and I can see that she is learning to cede control (it goes in waves within her little soul). She stood in my kitchen yesterday morning, ready for school in plenty of time, looking adorable and smiling and said "can you see I'm becoming more mature?"...maybe, just maybe we'll get a little upswing here!

Please come visit me at where I've been lucky enough to become a feature writer. I'm the resident "attachment gal"...please note, I would NEVER say expert!!! Just a person to tell my stories and hope others will want to read them. They'll be doing a cool mother's day giveaway, so get over there in the next few weeks. You can find my articles under the writer name "Voni" and it's the attachment section - I believe I'm the headline story every two weeks on Monday!

1 comment:

  1. It's interesting that you mention feeding on anger or the need for anger. I think that N has similar needs. She's gotten better about it, but that "need for conflict" is still there. And now we know that it's not something she picked up recently; rather, it's been there even when she was much younger.