running man

Excuse me for the fact that I'm going to copy a post I put on my forum today - then I'll elaborate.



Today was a big day for DS2. He had a field trip he was WAY excited about - first time I've seen him excited in a long time! He even used good words, like nervous and anticipating when talking about it the past few days. This morning, DD was running late and DS2 was leaving for the bus and I hollered at him to have a great day and behave well and I was so excited to hear all about it. I heard him leave and shut the big front door behind him - he never does that - none of the kids do. I knew something was wrong...ran from the kitchen just in time to see DS2 check the house (to see if I was looking - he couldn't see me at the small sidelight window) and then RUN - I mean FULL SPEED the opposite direction of the bus stop. I fly out of the house in my pjs and I'm screaming for him. I start chasing him down the sidewalk and he turns when he hears me yell and KEEPS running. He gets almost to the large intersection (5 lane parkway) before he stops. At this point I'm hoping DD left for the bus because I can hear it behind me in the neighborhood. I'm yelling at him to run back - still thinking I need to get him on the bus (I was delirious) and he walks as slow as he can. Once within grasp, I was mad. I held his arm as he pulled away shouting "you're hurting me". We got back to the house and yes, DD had left and made the bus and I sent him to his room. What in the HELL? As we were walking in he tells me that he was taking a short cut to the bus - which is 6 houses away from us but he was going about 2 blocks the other direction. So, lies on top of total disregard for the rules. I was on the phone with the school and DH trying to figure out if he should go on the field trip and then DH said - "let him go, it might be the last thing he gets to do here". I got to school to sign him in - and broke down. I looked like a maniac, I'm sure...mismatched clothes, no bra - you know, real classy. They pulled me in the office and got the counselor...that's always fun. I had to go find DD to let her know I was happy and proud she got on the bus and that everything was ok - she worries so much and I didn't want to ruin her day. I'm at the end of the rope here and I feel like a loser. So many people deal with so much more - but I don't feel strong enough. He had a good string of good days and while I felt happy...I still felt removed. It's as though I can't celebrate his accomplishments anymore - a stranger in my house (even on the good days). I'm going to get through today - waiting for a return call from the AT...I don't even know what the right consequence should be and I am about to give up - the consequences aren't working after 3 years...how long is it supposed to take? Anyway, I can't address the bigger issues in this emotional state. Yes, I know that he should not have gone on the field trip - but really, I didn't want him here. I have to be at the ortho for DS1's braces and it's a long appt...I didn't want to sit there with him either. I feel mean and ugly today. Crap! Crap!!! Crap...

I just don't know what to think. I keep saying "he basically ran away" - but was he running away from home or from his uncontrollable excitement. If he wanted to catch the other bus stop, he had overshot it...did he think he could run all the way to school (totally against the rules...to many big streets to cross?)?????????? I guess DH and I have to assume some things, because we'll never get the truth - so we assume he was going to run to school. I don't understand it...is there no concept of getting caught. And, I'm back at the thought that he has FAS or something - there is just no cause and effect thinking YET he was able to know that he didn't want to turn around when I was yelling for him...so doesn't that mean that he knew he was 'busted'. Talking in circles...thinking in circles and I'm right back at CRAP!